You’re a Grown Man Charlie Brown
(Note: This is a repost of the original)
I was very pleased to participate in the annual 10 minute Play festival again this weekend with my cohorts from Obscene But Not Heard (We’re a sketch group). In it, we are given a prop, a line of dialogue and from that, we create a 10 minute play, which needs to be written rehearsed, and teched for 7:30 the following evening.
It’s always a bit of a crunch, but it’s also lots of fun. We have produced gems, and some rather painful entries in the past. This year, our line was a Dr. Suess quote “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened” and our prop was a clock.
This is what I ended up writing. Seeing as how it will likely never be produced again (for copyright reasons if nothing else) I thought I’d post it.
Enjoy.
(Peanuts theme. Stage has Small Table 4 chairs. Enter Charlie Brown and Linus. Linus is clutching his blue blanket. It looks like he is sucking his thumb, but he actually isn’t. More on that later.)
CHARLIE: Linus, I’m depressed.
(Linus takes a deep drag from the joint he is smoking)
LINUS: You’re always depressed Charlie Brown. (Offers him a drag)
CHARLIE: No thanks, it gives me anxiety attacks.
LINUS : Are you taking your meds?
CHARLIE: I was, but they give me a stomache ache..
LINUS: You’ve got to take better care of yourself,Charlie Brown. it’s part of being an adult.
CHARLIE: You’re one to talk, you turned 40 this month and you are still carrying a Blanket.
LINUS: It’s not a blanket. (He slips it on, it is in fact a snuggie) I get cold.
CHARLIE: Good Grief.
LINUS: This will be good for you. Meet new people Get your mind off your divorce.
CHARLIE: I don’t think I’m ready for this, Linus. I really don’t
LINUS: Well, I told you I wasn’t having dinner with your sister alone. She’s been cyber stalking me for months.
CHARLIE: She’s just lonely, she lives in New York, it’s hard to meet people there. The break up with Shermie was hard on her.
LINUS: She keeps sending me Facebook gifts. Yesterday I got a virtual pig from her named “Sweet Baboo.” It’s weird.
CHARLIE: Linus, you’re the only person I know who could stand outside of a restaurant in a snuggie that smells like hash and say Facebook gifts are weird.
(LInus removes the Snuggie)
LINUS: I don’t like aggressive women, The one I grew up with put me in therapy for years. Just make sure she keeps her hands to herself.
CHARLIE: Why are you even here?
LINUS: Free food.
CHARLIE: I’m gonna blow this I know it. I ruin everything I touch, even my marriage
(They sit)
LINUS: Relax, Charlie Brown…there’s no expectations here, it’s just dinner with Sally and her friend.
CHARLIE: Why does everyone do that?
LINUS: Do What Charlie Brown?
CHARLIE: Call me by my first and last name all the time…it’s really irritating…
LINUS: Peppermint Pattie used to call you Chuck. Remember?
CHARLIE: Oh Yeah. What happened to her I wonder?
LINUS: Gym teacher.
CHARLIE: Ah. Is she…?
LINUS: No, she’s straight, surprisingly enough.
CHARLIE: How do you know that?
(LInus flashes a knowing grin)
CHARLIE: Really?
LINUS: Life’s a banquet Charlie Brown.
CHARLIE: Huh.
(Sally enters)
SALLY: Hey there big Brother!!!!!!!
CHARLIE :Hey Sally…Good To see you (They hug)
SALLY: LINUS…you look great…(She moves in for the kiss he stiffens up and turns his face)
CHARLIE: How was the drive?
SALLY: Good, we made good time I think…my…friend is just talking to the homeless guy outside
(Lucy enters, screaming off)
LUCY: GET A JOB, PIGPEN YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!!!!
LINUS: You Brought LUCY? Are you out of your mind?
SALLY: I know I’m sorry…it’s just…Schroeder is cheating on her, She only just found out, I didn’t want to leave her alone
LINUS: Of course he’s cheating on her, he’s a musician…
CHARLIE: Ohhhh this is not good…I’m gonna go
LINUS: Oh, no you don’t! You are staying right here with me!
SALLY: Please, Big Brother, she really needs to see a familiar face right now, and you are always so sweet…please please stay…
CHARLIE: I can’t stand it.
(LUCY turns to see who her date is, and is not impressed)
LUCY: Sally, you blockhead, you were supposed to set me up on a good date. Can’t you tell the difference between a good date and a poor date? You’re hopeless Sally Brown!
CHARLIE: Hey, Lucy. Good to see you again.
LUCY: Charlie Brown. Unbelievable. That is the capper to my whole week. That’s just great. (She sits down beside him.) You better not try and hold my hand or by Golly I’ll slug you. (Pause she nods)Linus.
LINUS: Lucy.
LUCY: How’s mom?
LINUS: What do you care?
LUCY: I don’t I was just being nice.
LINUS: First time for everything.
LUCY: Don’t push me, wasteoid. I’ve had a hard week.
((Wah Wah sound)
LUCY: Yeah, I’ll have a double Martini
(Wah Wah)
SALLY: Ooooh I think I’ll have a Ceaser
(Wah Wah)
LINUS: Uhhh Heineken, Thanks.
(Wah Wah)
CHARLIE : Just a root beer, if you’ve got one
(Wah Wah)
LUCY: Root Beer? You want me to hold your purse, Nancy?
SALLY: Soooo…Linus, I like your shirt. Looks great on you.
LINUS: Thanks.
LUCY: I’m glad you got rid of that ridiculous comb over. Looked like you had about 4 hairs and you were frantically arranging them around your head. I was embarrassed to go out in public with you
LINUS: Schroeder cheated on you huh? Bet that hurt.
SALLY : Wow…the nachos look good, don’t you think
LUCY: Well, lets see if that chick half his age sticks around when gets back into Jazz and restarts his adorable little smack habit
CHARLIE : ooohhh I really don’t feel well,
LUCY: If you believe I’m not going to take that self absorbed little prick for every dime he’s got , you are sadly mistaken
CHARLIE: Can’t breathe…can’t breathe…
SALLY: Are you okay?
CHARLIE: Panic attack….
LINUS: Do you need a doctor?
CHARLIE: I…I Don’t know…maybe I need to lie down or
LUCY: SNAP OUT OF IT BLOCKHEAD!!!!!
(He sits bolt upright…begins breathing normally.)
CHARLIE: Wow. That actually worked.
LUCY: 5 cents please.
(They all look at her…then remember the reference. Then everybody starts laughing)
CHARLIE: Wow, that takes me back a ways.
LINUS: Yeah me too.
SALLY: Oh man, my brother probably paid for your psych degree 1 nickle at a time…What did you end up taking in school Linus
LINUS: I was a Philosophy major
SALLY: Ooooh, that sounds really interesting.
LUCY: Trust me, it isn’t.
(Awkward pause. Linus browses the menu. Lucy pulls out her phone and start texting)
SALLY: so many good things on the menu here… hard to choose Linus, what are you looking at…
LINUS: Pumpkin soup.
SALLY: Heeeeyyy didn’t we make out in a Pumpkin Patch once?!!!
LINUS: No, No I don’t think we did.
SALLY: Sure we did, it was Halloween, I totally remember it, we were waiting for someone…and then we started kissing…remember?
LINUS: Uh No, I remember the Pumpkin Patch, but we were not kissing…at all.
SALLY: Are you sure? That’s how I remember it.
LINUS: Uhhh no…We were in the Pumpkin Patch and then your dog showed up and scared the hell out of me.
SALLY: Well…(flirtatiously) I like my version better
LUCY: Hey whatever happened to that dog of yours, Charlie Brown?
CHARLIE: He died.
LUCY: I know that, it was a dog, it was 30 years ago. I’m not an idiot. I meant how? Hit by a car?
CHARLIE: Bird Flu.
LUCY: Just as well, that dog was retarded. (she goes back to texting) Another excruciating pause)
CHARLIE: Uh, I’ve got a fold out couch Sally. There’s a bar that sticks in your back, but if it bothers you I can take that and you can have my bed…
SALLY: Oh, No I don’t want to put you to any trouble…
CHARLIE: It’s no Trouble…
SALLY: No, I already got a hotel room…(To Linus) it’s close by just two blocks down, the Driftwood inn, you just go down the highway half a mile take a left, I’m in Room 157. Top of the stairs. Good thick curtains. Very private.
LINUS (Trying to change the topic) Who are you texting, Lucy?
LUCY: Schroeder.
SALLY: Why…
LUCY: BECAUSE FUCK HIM, THAT’S WHY. (Throws the phone down) Jesus Christ, where the hell is my drink?
CHARLIE: Well, divorce is tough. I get it I kept phoning my wife after, only I’d panic and hang up the phone when she answered. Then one day a guy answered. Then I stopped calling.
LUCY: Divorce isn’t all bad, when I divorced my first husband I got a house.
SALLY: I got a car.
LINUS: I got the dog!
CHARLIE: I got a clock. (He actually shows them the clock)
LUCY: You’re hopeless Charlie Brown.
CHARLIE: I know. I mean I didn’t have a great childhood, but there are days that I would give anything to just go back, for even a day. Play baseball…
LUCY: Badly
CHARLIE: Fly a kite
LINUS Into a tree
CHARLIE: See Snoopy again.
(Sally touches his arm sympathetically)
CHARLIE: Aren’t they supposed to prepare you for Adulthood? Why didn’t they teach us about how to deal with your parents dying, or divorce, and bill paying and the mind numbing tedium of working in a barbershop your whole life? And because life loves cruel irony you get to cut hair your whole life without being able to grow any on your own. Adulthood seems like a series of footballs, you try and kick at and someone always pulls it away at the last minute. But is that it? Is there any more? Isn’t there someone who can tell me what being an adult is all about?
LINUS: Sure, I can tell you what being an adult is all about. Lights please…
(Spotlight)
And Lo, there were in the same country children, who were tending to games, and recess, and school friends And the Angel of Responsibility came upon them, and they were sore afraid, and he said unto them, Do not be afraid, for I bring you sex, and R rated movies, and the freedom to do what you want.but withat came money, and children and spouses, and dinner parties, and a whole lot of being nice to people you don’t like . But do not mourn your childhood, don’t be sad because it’s over, smile because it happened.
And that’s what being an adult is all about Charlie Brown.
CHARLIE: Fuck you, Linus.
(Blackout)
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Comments (4)
1/4 20 said on 11-01-2010
1/4 20
very nice mate.
The M-Daddy said on 11-01-2010
The M-Daddy
If you ask for a ‘Caesar’ in the states they’ll bring you a salad. Otherwise, fantastic.
Katie said on 11-01-2010
Katie
Love it! Nice work.
Karl said on 11-01-2010
Karl
I like it.
