Transparent Roses
a short sketch about domesticity and time travel by Dawn Dumont
Erin: Why are the dishes still in the sink?
Todd: Umm…I thought you were going to do them.
Erin: Before I left, I distinctly said – “Do the dishes, Todd, its your turn.”
Todd: Oh, I didn’t hear you.
Erin: Yes you did. Because then I said to you, “Did you hear me?” And you said, “Yes, I heard you.”
Todd: Oh well, then sorry.
Erin: I don’t want sorry. I want clean dishes.
Todd: I can’t right now.
Erin: You’re playing video games!
Todd: Erin, remember when we were talking about the difference between asking and bossing?
Erin: They smell! Why didn’t you do them?!!
Todd: Do you want me to build a time machine? Cuz I will build a time machine.
Erin: You don’t know how to build a time machine. You didn’t even pass grade 11 physics.
Todd: There you go. Now I just built a time machine.
Erin: No you didn’t.
Todd: You shouldn’t have goaded me. Now I’ve destroyed the space time continuum.
Erin: Why are the dishes still dirty then?
Todd: Because I did the dishes – and then you dirtied them again. So now its your turn to do them.
Erin: Wrong. Cuz I stole your time machine and did them and then you dirtied them making it your turn again. And I also slept with Jack.
Todd: Why did you do that?
Erin: Because you didn’t do the dishes!
Todd: But Jack has herpes. Now we both have herpes.
Erin: No, I went to the future where they have the cure and I brought it back for us.
Todd: That was nice of you.
Erin: I’m not giving you the cure until you do the dishes.
Todd: Well. I do not respond to blackmail.
Erin: Thats not blackmail.
Todd: Bribery?
Erin: Kind of.
Todd: Doesn’t matter. I just went to the future and plant a car bomb in your car.
Erin: I just removed it and put it in your car.
Todd: I went to the past and killed your family cat.
Erin: Ryley! He got hit by a car.
Todd: No, I strangled him with my bare hands. Then I threw him in front of that car.
Erin: You’re sick. Wait, I just killed your grandfather.
Todd: Poppy! Not Poppy! He wore suspenders!
Erin: Oh get over it. I killed him only 10 seconds before he was gonna die anyway. And I used a down-filled pillow.
Todd: Still, its the principle! I’m so sorry Pappy.
Erin: Do the dishes and I’ll go back and stop myself.
Todd: I killed you.
Erin: When?
Todd: Two hours before we met.
Erin: Asshole!
Todd: Then I went back and stopped myself from killing you. I said, “She’s not worth it Todd.” And I agreed.
Erin: I can’t believe you killed me. Fuck. You know my mother always said you were the type to kill me.
Todd: I’m sorry.
Erin: (Sniffs.)
Todd: I said I was sorry.
Erin: Couldn’t you have at least brought me flowers?
Todd: I did.
Erin: Where are they then?
Todd: Right in front of you. They are invisible flowers. I invented them in year 2135.
Erin: What would be the point of…?
Todd: In time, you will understand.
Erin: I think we should see other people.
Todd: Why? We’re going to get back together anyway. I’ll go back in time, do the dishes, stop myself from killing your cat and then invent the I-Pod and then we’ll move to Borneo so you can study borneo wildlife like you always wanted.
Erin: Cool, then I’m gonna take a nap.
