Smackdown Awesome Undercard: Batman vs. Bacon
Meme this, suckers! It’s Batman vs. Bacon!
Batman! Scourge of Gotham’s criminals! Batman! Brilliant single-minded vigilante! Batman! Nananananananana, etc! Nothing is more powerful than The Dark Knight! Except for Bacon, you mouth-breathing primitives. BACON!
Bacon is the only pork meat that I wish would make salty love to the inside of my mouth. Nothing keeps pork chops moist, and ham is gross and slimy, but bacon is the most perfect meat invented by man. Before Haliburton teamed up with Monsanto to create BaCon (TM), it was physically impossible for any food to pack so much tastiness into strip form. It would take 50 metric strips of gravy to be a delicious as bacon, and that is a fact of science. I am a scientist, and I know a thing or to about Ricard’s First Law of Strips, which states: “Strips of food cannot be at a more than 1:1 flavour to mass ratio, unless it is a strip of Bacon.” As a scientist, I can confirm bacon would give me a serious boner if it weren’t so full of fat and sodium it rendered me flaccid. Bacon is delicious. In fact, Bacon=Delicious, and that is one of the simplest Turing Complete logic statements ever made. Bacon is so densely packed with tastiness that they are smashing bacon into other bacon at almost the speed of light in the Large Hadron Collider to try and produce missing fundamental particles. It’s fucking yummy.
So, this is a smackdown undercard, and you are wondering “How can Bacon fight against Batman? Bacon is inanimate, at least, once it is butchered, hung, and cured it is inanimate, though it is moderately animate on a frying pan, but then it is basically totally still once served, unless you pick it up in BLT form, but it isn’t moving under its own power, so essentially inanimate.” You have a point, albeit a convoluted one. This will be a fight in which Batman attempts to resist a plate of bacon.
“How is that such a big deal?” you might be asking yourself, or maybe you aren’t, but maybe. “I can resist bacon”. Oh, can you? Can you really?(slides you a plate of bacon) Then don’t eat that. (let’s you smell it). Don’t! (fries up a bit more) Don’t!(wafts odour over to you with a GE brand BaConFan.) HA! I thought so.
The preparations will happen like this. Bruce Wayne will have Alfred lock him in a room, and go through intense psychological training so that Batman begins hating the mere thought of bacon. Every time Bruce thinks of bacon, he will pass out and wake up with a cage full of rats on his face, or some such. Anyway, soon the Dark Knight will begin to so despise bacon he will feel himself invulnerable to its effects. Maybe he’ll run security video of his parents being murdered, but instead of murdered by that dude, it will be by a package of bacon that has been digitally imposed on the footage. Something like that, you get the picture. Harsh psychological Bacon Aversion Therapy – That’s with the promising acronym of BAT.
No matter how much planning Bruce Wayne has put into this event, Bacon will have a swift and decisive victory. The Goddamn Batman knows that a single strip of bacon is so toxic to his system that he will lose all his well trained abilities, and his suit won’t fit anymore. He has further prepared himself by blocking his nose with a cream made from a specific amazon flower that catalyses aerosolated bacon molecules, and converts them into the weird McDonald’s french fry smell your car floor mats make in the early winter, even though you haven’t eaten at McDonalds in like, 6 years. That smell just sticks, man. Bruce Wayne now smells a horrific smell, he recalls the rats on his face, and how Bacon murdered his family, and he is prepared to resist, primarily on the health consequences alone. But Bacon has a trick up it’s sleeve- it’s plastic refrigerator section sleeve.
No matter how ready Batman is, when Alfred sets down a glass of orange juice and some multi-grain toast beside the bacon (maybe with those little stainless steel condiment bowls of organic butter and farmers market jams on the side), Batman’s legendary willpower will crumble like a ancient cake made of clay and , uh, cake. No living thing on earth, not even a self-aware talking pig who knows what bacon is made from, can resist bacon as a part of this complete breakfast. As soon as Batman thinks to himself “Oh, you know what, I can probably eat just a little bit of bacon if I have that OJ, and go for a run this morning. I’m a busy crime-fighter after all, and I burn a lot of calories.”, he will have lost this battle. The futility of resisting bacon is more futile than resisting The Borg, and ever since The Borg started assimilating inferior technologies like toasters and GE brand BaConFans, even they can be found snacking on down on some tasty bacon strips and letting their cubes get fat.
Winner: Bacon. God help us all.
Loser: Self Aware Talking Pig (tragic), also, Batman (helpless).
