Canadian Politics Explained
For Our American, or Apathetic Canadian Readers.
Canada is one of the greatest countries in the world…not because of our leadership but rather in spite of it. We have an election coming up. In the states, these occur every four years. In Canada we have one every four weeks it seems. So as a helpful guide to this quagmire of accusation and cronyism, the Correctness is pleased to present the Coles notes version of the mess we are currently in. Let’s start with the basics…Here are the players:
The Prime Minister: Stephen Harper.
Fig. 1 Stephen Harper
Stephen Harper is the leader of the Conservative Party, which is roughly equivalent to the Republicans in the U.S. When they talk about their “platform”, they usually mean the one on an oil rig. A few years back, we got so sick of the guy who WAS running the Conservative party we almost voted them out of existence. Back then it was the Progressive Conservative Party…and to save themselves they glommed on to The Reform Party which is roughly equivalent to the Tea Party in the U.S. (They were more polite about their racism, as many Canadian racists are) Then they got rid of the “Progressive” probably because it was all together too progressive.
It's just as well, these are the only Canadian Progressives I trust
Together they “United the Right” and from the Reform Party ranks came Stephen Harper. Or as he is known by his Ceremonial Aboriginal Name “Lying Little Fuck Weasel” His interests include fighting gay marriage, buying lots of airplanes with no real way to pay for them, taking credit for saving us during the crash (Credit that belongs to a policy from the thirties he has actively tried to get rid of) running a deficit for the first time in years, and spelunking…more specifically, spelunking up the ass of the U.S. and pissing away our natural resources. In his spare time, he likes to commit human rights violations on G-8 protesters, and he also enjoys pissing on the memory of John Lennon.
Deficit Road
His performance at the debates consisted of him denying everything (with no follow up facts to back up the denials) and them demanding a majority government. Many Canadians took that as a form of poise. He’s currently leading in the polls and is one of the many reasons why we are hooped.
The Liberal Leader : Michael Ignatieff
The Liberals have so named themselves because the more truthful name of “Shifty Little Ass Monkeys ,” didn’t have quite the same ring to it. The Liberals comport themselves like it is their God given right to run this country and anyone who doesn’t think so is either an idiot or lives west of Ontario, which to them is the same thing. Their last government was plagued by cronyism and inside deals which makes them virtually indistinguishable from the Conservatives. The only thing that redeems them from being the exact same party is they are not openly hostile to gays and the arts, and they DID tell Bush to pretty please go fuck himself and fight own war in Iraq. Other than that…it’s the same shit.
Many accuse Ignatieff as being an elitist prick who cares more about his own ambition than he does running the country. And this recently commissioned portrait isn’t really helping that image.
The monocle was their first mistake
He started off so strongly in the debates that he decided to keep making the same point over and over to the point of redundancy…which is exactly what Canadians would be doing by electing him.
Jack Layton and the NDP
NDP stands for “New Democratic Party” and not for “Never Done Parliament” as is popularly believed. They are a party that sprang largely from the Canadian labour movement. So imagine if the Union guy working the docks on season two of “The Wire” decided to form a Political Party.
Yeah.
As for their leader Jack Layton…He’s kind of like that gym teacher you had in Junior High….the one who smiled just a smidge too broadly at the girls in their gym strip.
"Knees up girl...thaaats it keep jogging"
And you’d think to yourself. “yeah Mr. Layton’s okay for gym. I sure as hell wouldn’t want him for home room though”
The NDP are comfortable making a lot of promises because they haven’t been anywhere near forming a government in decades…so they know they’ll never actually have to follow up on anything.
Gilles Duceppe and the Bloc Quebecois
Weasels subsist on a diet of berries and fish...
To put this in terms the American Correct might understand…Imagine if those crazy, racist Texans who want Texan Independence and fully supported seceding from The U.S were not only ALLOWED into federal politics…they actually got SEATS in the House of Representatives. So MANY seats in fact that instead of throwing these wackos out, or having them tried for TREASON many of your political parties had to court favor with them if they want to get anything done.
Welcome to Multiculturalism.
You see many years ago in a battle on the Plains of Abraham, The French were defeated by the English. The English, in a forgiving mood, allowed the French to keep their language and culture. In fact it became legally mandated. Which is why a party whose sole objective is Quebec independence is somehow allowed to be in the FEDERAL government. And every few years, our kindness is rewarded with a very expensive referendum in which the Bloc asks if Quebec wants to separate, Quebec says no, and then they ask again later like a child denied a cookie. Only these cookies cost millions and millions of dollars and they will JUST KEEP ASKING.
Elizabeth May and the Green Party
You know that guy sitting outside with his dreads and a bongo drum reeking of patchouli and B.O. who you cross the street to avoid passing in the park? That’s who votes Green.. I don’t even take them seriously enough to post a weasel picture, quite frankly.
THE PROBLEM
Right now, none of these clowns can get a majority government. At first glance that’s a good thing, but the problem is that nothing gets accomplished. Nothing except calling a new election and hoping this time one party will get a majority. Canada is a HUGE country, and as such each region has its own unique geography, culture etc. Everyone is concerned about their own back yard, regionalism reigns and wheels continue to spin uselessly like all season radials in a prairie winter. (Which like Westeros or Narnia lasts for generations)
Voter apathy is high. The east is generally pro Liberal, the west is still holding a grudge over Trudeau taking their oil money and will ALWAYS vote conservative. We are canceling each other out, and the right wing gets in power because the left vote is split between three other parties. Then the whole fucking circus starts again when the Opposition party starts sniffing around the minority government looking for any excuse to call an election.
In other words, we’re fucked.
Pictured...a Canadian during an election
I’m thinking of voting for the gym teacher. God Help us all.
