A Nerd’s Letter to Penthouse
Dear Penthouse,
I calculated the odds of the letters that people write you being true, constructing a formula based on ratio of repeated incidents, and comparitive studies on similarities of writing styles, and divided it by a whole number rounded up, calculated from an overall probabilty factor based on plausibility and came to the conclusion that the letters written in your forum were specious at best, and certainly would never happen to me.
But something happened recently that made me call some of my conclusions into question and I just HAD to write to you about it.
I was settling in for an evening of sorting and categorizing my Magic Cards, first by category, then by color, power level, and rarity when my doorbell rang. Well, I nearly dropped my 2 litre Mountain Dew (which to be fair was quite heavy and I was just recovering from a nasty bout of carpal tunnel syndrome)when I opened the door and saw my extraordinarily attractive neighbor, Janet standing there. Her big brown eyes gazing at me from behind those horn rimmed glasses. Her red flowing locks very much reminiscent of Allyson Hannigan, Felicia Day, Gillian Anderson , Kerry from Mythbusters and of course Mary Jane Watson. Her attractive mammmary area was swelling and straining against a vintage “Battlestar Galactica” T-shirt, and my eyes scanned her like a retina i.d laser, concluding that she did indeed have security clearance.
“Hello Arthur” she purred, “I have a little problem I was hoping you could help me with”
“What’s wrong?” I aked, longing to see her in some sort of metal bikini, or dressed like one of the many hot girls in Soulcalibur.
“Well, I’m playing Dungeons and Dragons for the first time tommorow, and I need help rolling up a character.” she said. “..will you help me?”
I invited her in and eagerly began working on her character sheet. I knew it was going to happen right there, right in that room…that would be where the magic (user) happened.
I moaned softly as she reached over and gently carressed my dice bag running her fingers along the faux velvet surface.
“Oh Arthur” she gasped “Make me an elf”!
As I slowly parted the Players handbook, I reached down and pulled out my athsma puffer. Tasting the sweet musky acridness of ventilin emboldened me and I ran my finger down her stats. “Your charisma is very high” I whispered
“Arthur” she moaned “Remember it’s my first time…so be gentle…and don’t baffle me with a bunch of bullshit 4.0 rule changes”
Each roll of the dice was sweeter than the next. the sound of four six sided dice banging together, picking up speed and intensity until they succumbed to the kinetic energy and tumbled out on the table filling her character with dexterity.
“Choose my feats!” she screamed “Oh God Choose them now!!!”
As I read out her key racial feats, she touched my arm and in a husky voice said ” Although I wasn’t completely satisfied with the ending, on the whole the new Battlestar Galactica was excellent, with great characters, and compelling storylines. Plus I would totally have a lesbian threesome with Tricia Helfer and Grace Park”
It couldn’t contain it anymore. My nervous twitch kicked in and I squeezed the big gulp cup hard. My Mountain dew shot all over her. “Oh God!! “I yelled” Oh God I’m so sorry, Oh I’ll pay to have that dry cleaned, Oh God!”
Needless to say, I did pay for her dry cleaning!
Which in this case is the literal truth and not some sort of euphemism. But every Sunday she still comes over for a little “Role Playing”. (Also not a euphemism)
Sincerely,
Arthur Pewtie
PS If you are a girl and got the reference from my psuedonym, I would also be very interested in exploring your MMO
