Status Quotes: The Best of Cam Ashcroft
Michelangelo used paint and marble. Escher used Pencils. Andy Kaufman used confused looks and a sense of simmering anger. The dad in A Christmas Story used swearing. Cam Ashcroft’s chosen medium is the Facebook Status update. The Correctness proudly presents a brief sample Ashcroftian wit for you to enjoy.
Mon at 11:33am
Cam Ascroft still has a 3 and a half octave range. It just starts an octave lower than it used to.
July 5 at 7:28pm
Cam Ascroft has got all his bases covered. Apart from third base . . . which I rarely get to anyway.
July 5 at 12:15pm
Cam Ascroft is more idiot than savant.
July 4 at 6:38pm
Cam Ascroft – Neil Sedaka has just released a CD for children called “Waking Up Is Hard To Do”. In addition to the title track, it also includes “Happy Birthday Number Three” and “Lunch Will Keep Us Together”. Seriously. I can’t make this shit up.
July 4 at 11:11am
Cam Ascroft is capable of assuming many different shapes and sizes. (So why the hell did he choose THIS one?)
July 3 at 6:55pm
Cam Ascroft is the snaggle-toothed star of “When Ascrofts Attack”.
Cam Ascroft – this just in : Hundreds of Parachute Club fans devastated by recent announcement that Spirit’s time has NOT, in fact, come.
July 2 at 10:19pm
Cam Ascroft saw your shadow. You were NOT Dancin’ at the Feet of the Moon. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure WHAT you were doing. But it was very very . . . peculiar.
July 2 at 8:10pm
Cam Ascroft figures his current health kick will last approximately as long as the fruit in his fridge.
July 2 at 6:07pm
Cam Ascroft says, “Come on people now, smile on your brother, everybody get together, try to love one another right now.” Ok people. What part of RIGHT NOW do you not understand? Move IT! Move IT! Move IT!!!
July 2 at 3:46pm
Cam Ascroft thinks all this “Mysteries of Life and Death” stuff is pretty much just BS. Still . . . it’d be a shame to waste a perfectly good thunderstorm.
July 2 at 1:46pm
Cam Ascroft just better not try anything stupid. Uh-oh. Too late.
July 2 at 11:49am
Cam Ascroft is adding you to his collection. Just hold still . . . this is going to sting a bit . . . there! Now, that wasn’t so bad, was it?
J
July 1 at 11:35am
Cam Ascroft has been through the desert on a horse with no name. I eventually named him Bruce. Bruce the horse.
June 30 at 7:20pm
Cam Ascroft is pretty much what you would’ve imagined. Only slightly taller.
June 30 at 1:52pm · Comment
Cam Ascroft is in training, and has been for years. So many years, in fact, that I’ve forgotten precisely what I’m training for.
June 30 at 11:10am
Cam Ascroft – ok. Here’s a thought : “Cam & Kate plus 8”. Yes? No? No . . . perhaps not.
June 29 at 9:26pm
Cam Ascroft is not the Son of a Preacher Man. But I could probably still teach you a thing or two.
June 29 at 7:27pm
Cam Ascroft thought the new AC/DC album sounded pretty good. Of course, all the songs sound pretty much the same. But then, that’s been the case for the last 30 years.
June 29 at 2:53pm
Cam Ascroft is a contributing member of society. Mostly he contributes status updates and empty beer bottles.
June 29 at 10:00am
Cam Ascroft – Everybody’s talkin’ ’bout the new sound, funny, but it’s still Billy Joel to me.
June 28 at 9:43pm
Cam Ascroft – “You see, God is like a Shamrock. Small . . . green . . . and split three ways.”
June 28 at 6:29pm
Cam Ascroft is an excellent sleep aid. Not as effective as, say, listening to Margaret Atwood, but effective nonetheless.
June 27 at 6:40pm
Cam Ascroft appears to be the front-runner for the position. Although we’re still desperately hoping that someone more qualified shows up.
June 27 at 3:11pm
Cam Ascroft would make an excellent philanthropist. I just need a little start-up cash. Do they give grants for that sort of thing?
June 27 at 12:16pm
Cam Ascroft continues to strive to be a pseudo-intellectual. Striving to be an actual intellectual seems like a lot of work.
June 27 at 12:37am
Cam Ascroft is now on sale. Buy two, get one free. Helluva deal!
June 26 at 3:14pm
Cam Ascroft is a person in your neighbourhood, in your neighbourhood, in your neighbourhood. Cam Ascroft is a person in your neighbourhood. He’s a person that you meet each day! (Unless you don’t live around here. In which case . . . not.)
June 26 at 11:00am
Cam Ascroft is basically just humouring you.
June 26 at 8:12am
Cam Ascroft does not have the mumps. This is what is known as a double chin.
June 25 at 10:34pm
Cam Ascroft – on the plus side, this is a great opportunity for Tito and Jermaine to get back into the spotlight.
June 25 at 7:42pm
Cam Ascroft assumes that those Michael Jackson comeback concerts are pretty much off the table at this point.
June 25 at 5:08pm
Cam Ascroft will do whatever the situation calls for. Luckily, the situation usually calls for a beer.
June 25 at 2:53pm
Cam Ascroft just got called downtown to talk to Mitch and Murray. I have a feeling I won’t be getting that set of steak knives.
June 24 at 11:48pm
Cam Ascroft came in here lookin’ like that, with his cowboy boots and his painted-on jeans. He was then physically assaulted by Dolly Parton. But not in a bad way.
June 24 at 2:28pm
Cam Ascroft is a little slow on the . . . . . . uptake.
June 24 at 12:37pm
Cam Ascroft is all about trial and error. well . . . mostly error.
June 24 at 11:14am
Cam Ascroft ‘s plan for world domination has been cancelled due a complete lack of reliable minions.
June 23 at 8:07pm
Cam Ascroft would make an excellent Member of Parliament. I don’t use Twitter and I haven’t got any kids to screw up by working outside the home. What’s not to like? Vote for Cam!!
June 23 at 2:12pm
Cam Ascroft will now astound and surprise you with his legendary wit and intellect . . . . actually I may need to rethink this a bit.
June 23 at 11:27am
Cam Ascroft still likes you. So, I guess you’ve got that going for you.
June 22 at 9:59pm
Cam Ascroft is one of those guys who can make the best of a bad situation. (The fact that Cam Ascroft has usually CAUSED the bad sitiuation is beside the point.)
June 22 at 7:55pm
Cam Ascroft is totally in your price range.
June 22 at 11:41am
Cam Ascroft (is using his inside voice.)
June 21 at 11:19pm
Cam Ascroft thinks creeping up on you would be a lot easier if mom didn’t make me wear these squeaky shoes.
June 21 at 9:00pm
Cam Ascroft wants to fill the world with silly glove songs.
June 19 at 8:23am
Cam Ascroft has yet to leap up and yell “That’s Bullshit!” at the screen while watching the “So You Think You Can Dance” results show. But I’m sure it’s only a matter of time.
J
June 18 at 3:27pm
Cam Ascroft would love to be part of the solution, but it’s so much more fun being part of the problem.
June 18 at 12:59pm
Cam Ascroft is laying his cards on the table. Here’s my equity card, and my union card, and, let’s see here . . . oh, here’s a gift card from Starbucks (gotta use that), and here’s my Alberta Health Care card (won’t be needing that anymore), and . . .
June 18 at 8:01am
Cam Ascroft is rather concerned and somewhat perplexed by the strange protruberance in the centre of his face. (Um, Cam . . . that’s your nose.) Yes . . . well . . . I still think I should get it checked out.
June 17 at 7:08pm
Cam Ascroft gets chills whenever Peter Cetera hits that high “Oo-woo-oo-oo” note in “If You Leave Me Now”. But not necessarily in a good way.
June 17 at 5:47pm
Cam Ascroft thinks summer’s here and the time is right for dancin’ in the streets. Not that I’ll be doing any. Cam don’t dance, regardless of the season.
June 17 at 2:10pm
Cam Ascroft was the main instigator in what eventually became known as “The Cam Ascroft Incident”.
June 17 at 12:21am
Cam Ascroft is primarily used as a noun, as in “Oh dear, I appear to have trodden in a Cam Ascroft”, but can occasionally be used as a verb, as in “Oh dear, I appear to have Cam Ascrofted in my pants.”
June 16 at 8:02pm
Cam Ascroft thinks we should let cooler heads assess the situation in Iran. Anybody know if Gary Busey’s available?
June 16 at 2:16pm
Cam Ascroft wears the chain I forged in life. I made it link by link, and yard by yard. It’s bronze painted gold. But I tell everyone it’s the real thing.
June 16 at 10:53am
Cam Ascroft wonders if you’ll settle for a PG-13 relationship.
June 15 at 8:42pm
Cam Ascroft is compact and efficient, kinda like a Smart Car.
June 15 at 5:02pm
Cam Ascroft is all smoke and mirrors. Well . . . mostly smoke.
June 15 at 12:25pm
Cam Ascroft is not one of the boys in the bright white sports car. He is, however, the guy in the teal green Pontiac. Not quite as impressive, I realize.
June 15 at 10:10am
Cam Ascroft would not have laughed quite so heartily had he realized you were being serious.
June 15 at 7:04am
Cam Ascroft cannot get his head out of his ass, as he is currently too busy trying to get his foot out of his mouth.
June 14 at 11:55pm
Cam Ascroft , much like a Little Caesars medium pepperoni pizza, is both hot and ready.
June 14 at 8:21pm
Cam Ascroft is extremely sympathetic to your cause. Um . . . what is it again?
June 14 at 5:57pm
Cam Ascroft is trying to figure out how he can be both underappreciated and overrated all at the same time.
June 14 at 2:19pm
Cam Ascroft saw something nasty in the woodshed. “Sure you did, but did it see you, baby.”
June 14 at 12:11pm
Cam Ascroft plans to do very little moving around today. Movement is overrated.
June 14 at 10:34am
Cam Ascroft thinks “Scrubs” is the funniest show I never watch.
June 14 at 1:28am
Cam Ascroft – Ok. Here’s the thing. Either the new Fatburger in my neighbourhood moves, or I do. Otherwise, this is not going to end well.
June 13 at 7:05pm
Cam Ascroft is currently surrounded by incompetence. Unfortunately, I’m also currently the only one here.
June 13 at 4:42pm
Cam Ascroft has 243 Facebook friends. Of course, several of them are imaginary.
June 13 at 12:31pm
Cam Ascroft . . . or, at least, we think it is. You can’t really tell anything from a police sketch.
June 13 at 11:16am
Cam Ascroft is an honourable man . . . apart from that whole “stabbing Caesar” incident.
June 12 at 8:33pm
Cam Ascroft thinks the ridiculous number of DUI’s partly explain why Rip Torn is so friggin’ good at playing drunk.
June 12 at 6:48pm
Cam Ascroft has nothing wrong with him that couldn’t be cured by a 12-pack of Stella Artois. Oh my! What have we here? . . . Ahhhhhhh.
June 12 at 5:29pm
Cam Ascroft wants to have kids just so I can pull them out of classes teaching creationism or abstinence.
June 12 at 8:05am
Cam Ascroft wants to make this absolutely clear. I do NOT need to lose weight. I merely need to acquire larger belts.
June 11 at 7:41pm
Cam Ascroft is not to be mocked! (Cam’s a moron.) Alright. What . . . did I just . . . say.
June 11 at 5:15pm
Cam Ascroft is unlikely to get a sports-related injury.
June 11 at 1:53pm
Cam Ascroft coulda been a barTENDah! I coulda been SOMEBODY. Instead of a . . . what? What do you mean that’s not the line? Um. I was “making it my own”.
June 11 at 11:45am
Cam Ascroft just got around to watching “The Watcher”. Funny thing about Keanu; I’ve never bought him as a hero, but he makes a fascinating villain. Something about that semi-smug, semi-stoned, blankness of delivery makes for a very good psychopath.
June 10 at 10:12pm
Cam Ascroft welcomes you to another exciting, exhuberant and somewhat excrutiating edition of, “So You Think You Can Dance Like Cam Ascroft. (It ain’t all that tough.)”
June 10 at 6:28pm
Cam Ascroft can smile and smile and still be a villain. It’s all in the teeth, really.
June 10 at 5:17pm
Cam Ascroft a disparu! Ou est Cam? Ou est Cam?? Il n’y a pas au bibliotheque. Il n’y a pas au salle de bain. Ou est Cam??
June 10 at 1:37pm
Cam Ascroft is NOT the Queen of the Roller Derby. Just in case you were wondering.
June 10 at 11:43am
Cam Ascroft can be found under many of the better porches and decks.
June 10 at 8:38am
Cam Ascroft wants to make it clear that when I referred to you as an “ego-driven self-important boob” I meant it in the nicest possible way.
June 9 at 5:20pm
Cam Ascroft has a free afternoon and a bunch of leftover beer. Hmm. What to do, what to do, what to do . . .June 9 at 2:25pm
June 9 at 1:16pm
Cam Ascroft says, “Take the ribbon from your hair. Shake it loose, and let it fall . . . . whoa! CLEARLY not the way to go . . . ok, let’s get that hair back up, shall we? Yipe!”
June 9 at 11:23am
Cam Ascroft , for his 36th birthday, appears to have received jowls. These will come in very handy for all those wondeful character parts I’m going to be offered over the next few years, yes?
June 8 at 1:32pm
Cam Ascroft is not quite over the hill. But the summit is definitely in sight.
June 8 at 8:22am
Cam Ascroft – Why, god, WHY?!? We had a DEAL!!
June 8 at 12:05am
Cam Ascroft was kind of hoping Angela Lansbury would do a one-armed push-up. But . . . ’twas not to be.
June 7 at 9:37pm
Cam Ascroft , as in, ” . . . and the Tony goes to . . . CAM ASCROFT?!!? (Something has gone horribly, horribly wrong.)”
June 7 at 6:24pm
Cam Ascroft is a term used to describe a person, place, or thing. No . . . wait . . . that’s an adjective . . .not an Ascroft.
June 7 at 3:46pm
Cam Ascroft thinks that jumping in with both feet is a good way to break an ankle.
June 7 at 1:20pm
Cam Ascroft used to be a “sensitive new-age kind of guy”. I am now a “sensitive old-age kind of guy”.
June 7 at 11:05am
Cam Ascroft , unlike Groucho Marx, WOULD want to join a club that would have him as a member. Um . . . no offers yet.
June 7 at 9:20am
Cam Ascroft thinks perhaps I’ve been listening to too much Jerry Lee Lewis. My nerves are shaken and my brain is rattled.
June 6 at 5:32pm
Cam Ascroft – So, apparently the Carradine family wants the FBI to investigate David’s death. Perhaps someone should remind Keith that, even though he played an FBI agent on Dexter, he is not one in real life.
June 6 at 3:23pm
Cam Ascroft has nothing to lose except his dignity. No . . . wait . . . I actually lost that back in ’93. Cam Ascroft has nothing to lose.
June 6 at 12:11pm
Cam Ascroft requests that you wait in the antechamber. He is currently in the drawing room playing with his model trains . . . er . . . pondering the important political questions of the day.
June 5 at 7:41pm
Cam Ascroft is preparing for another lovely June day in Calgary. Let’s see now . . . Galoshes? Check. Mittens? Check. Scarf? Check. Jumper cables? Check. Ok. I think I’m set.
June 5 at 5:37pm
Cam Ascroft ‘s “Rain, rain, go away. Come again another day” chant doesn’t seem to be having the desired effect. Perhaps I need to be more forceful. “Rain, rain, go away . . . or I will kick you in the FACE!!” Ya. That’s more like it.
June 5 at 3:21pm
Cam Ascroft occasionally gets mad. But rarely “hopping mad”. Cam looks absolutely ridiculous when he hops. Also, it’s bad for the joints.
June 5 at 12:12pm
Cam Ascroft is not going to take this laying down! Reclining, perhaps . . .
June 5 at 10:04am
Cam Ascroft is the male version of what used to be known as “a woman of a certain age.”
Cam Ascroft – “And if it hadn’t been for that bullet in my pocket . . . that bible would’ve gone straight through my heart.”
June 4 at 12:18pm
Cam Ascroft is very user friendly.
June 4 at 10:40am
Cam Ascroft is a man on a mission. I’d love to tell you what it is but . . . uh . . . it’s classified.
June 3 at 10:37pm
Cam Ascroft promises to never do that whole “turn the mic out to the crowd so they can sing the chorus” bit when playing live. It’s a rip-off! I’ll give you your money’s worth.
June 3 at 5:16pm
Cam Ascroft thinks yer hot! (But not in a creepy way . . . well, mostly not in a creepy way.)
June 3 at 3:16pm
Cam Ascroft “Don’t go around tonight. It’s bound to take your life. There’s a bathroom on the right.”
June 3 at 8:26am
Cam Ascroft has got hungry thighs. One look at you and I can’t disguise, I’ve got hungry thighs . . . what? . . .”eyes”?!? Really? Ya, actually that does kinda make more sense . . .
June 2 at 9:49pm
Cam Ascroft ‘s recent status updates seem to fluctuate between goofy, bitchy, and desperate. (Also the names of 3 of the lesser known dwarfs.)
June 2 at 7:35pm
Cam Ascroft was halfway reclined in his hammock on the back porch when he suddenly realized he does not in fact have a hammock . . . or a back porch, for that matter. It came as a bit of a shock, I must say.
