Staite of Grace
It’s the Calgary Comic Expo, 2009 and unhinged nerdery abounds. At an autograph table, right across from Edward James Olmos, (If you don’t know who that is, stop reading. RESPECT THE OLD MAN, FUCKERS!!!)TV Uber cutie Jewel Staite signs a picture for a pudgy anime princess. Not realizing that destiny had just paid 20 bucks, and was approaching her with a DVD of Firefly in hand, she takes a quick sip of water, and stretches.
When they lock eyes, time stops. The vibrations are palpable. It echoes throughout the showroom floor, causing Margot Kidder to pause in her carnival barking for autographs and cock her head like a curious dog. Several aisles away a woman dressed as Emma Frost gets a shiver. (Although, to be fair she wasn’t wearing much, but we stand by the palpable echo nevertheless)
Finally after both an instant and an eternity, Jewel speaks.
JEWEL: Hello there!
(What she meant was “As I look upon you, I know at last what it truly means to be a woman. With needs.”
Tbinns: Hi. How are you?
(Please, I’m married, you are embarrassing both of us)
JEWEL: I’m good thanks. Do you want it personalized?
(“Tell me your name at least, I must know who you are!”)
Tbinns: Yes, please. My name is Tony
(I’m only giving you my first name, I can’t have you looking me up)
JEWEL: Sure, no problem
(I belong to you now. That’s why I’m signing this with a little heart on it. To let you know that I am utterly yours)
Tbinns: Long day?
(I’m changing the subject now, because your obvious carnal desires are making me uncomfortable)
JEWEL: Not too bad. Getting near the end, though.
(I’m done here at 5, I’m staying at the Hotel Arts just a little ways away from here, please meet me there. I find pudgy Kevin Smith types highly arousing and you are making me crazy. I mean, there are a ton of those guys here, but you clearly are the best one. I must have you!!!)
Tbinns: Well, thanks very much for coming, it was a pleasure meeting you
(I have to go now, Kandyse McClure from Battlestar Galactica is checking out my ass and I have to go tell her to cut it out)
JEWEL: Oh, you’re welcome it was a pleasure meeting you. Take care.
(NO!! Don’t leave! You mutsn’t!!! How will I live? Whatever will I do? Come back, I will totally introduce you to Joss Whedon and you guys will be best pals!!! YOU ARE MY UNIVERSE!!! COME BACK!!!)
So there you have it. Tragic really, that I had to utterly destroy her heart like that. When will these people learn that all I want is an autograph? Why do they always go that extra step with me? I’m not even going to get into the nightmare that was the Sean Astin autograph session.
