Two Open Letters of Complaint
1:
Dear Kellogg’s:
You are no doubt aware that you are the manufacturer of Frosted Flakes. If you are not aware of this fact, you should be. I am going to presume you are, indeed, aware. Of this fact. You guys make Frosted Flakes. Your “Frosted Flakes”, which are puffed corn of some variety or another, have the unlikely mascot of an anthropomorphic tiger, who wears a scarf for some reason. This he does, and I can only surmise, because Tony is a gang member, or possibly a barnstormer.
Filling in For Tbinns
Okay so last Friday, at 4:30…right before the long weekend, I get a call from Tbinns, who hasn’t shown his face around the office for at least a week. It goes something like this.
TBINNS: Hey Benji, what’s going on?
ME: Not much, just wrapping up some stats, about to head out…what’s up?
In Defense of Sucker Punch (which is, in fact, radtacular)
Dearest Correctness Peeps:
There have been some mixed reviews for Sucker Punch, and I would like to do what we do best here and tell the negative reviewers why they are so very, very wrong. So very wrong. I saw Sucker Punch recently (in IMAX, where it was delightfully large, and verging on too loud…) and I can assure you that it rocked my socks so so hard my socks became molecularly unstable and evaporated out of my shoes. That’s some serious sock rock. I don’t know much about Brownian motion, but i order for my socks to be rocked completely off some serious energy would have to have been harnessed, and then directed at my socks. I’m going to try and do this without spoilers, and just encourage y’all to get out of your basements and go see this film on the big screen before it disappears. Is this one of those positive reviews that I get paid for? AHAHAHAHAH, no, I just sincerely think people are missing some really impressive details in this film. I really liked it.
Correctness Smackdown Awesome Undercard: Gandalf vs. Santa Claus
Dearest Correctness Readers:
Due to recent concerns about certain members of our writing team and their certain problem with a certain kick-ass wizard, it behooves us, nay, it behooves ME, your faithful master of the undercard, to write a fair fight for a maligned magician.
Today’s undercard pits two white bearded old men against each other in a battle to the death for the love of humanity. In this corner, over by your start button, (or for those of you more civilized, over by your finder icon in your dock) is Gandalf The Grey/White, Wizard King of the Lollipop Guild and whatnot! In this corner (if I understand the placement of competitors in wrestling or boxing correctly, and therefore somewhere over by your search window, or by a post-it note of who to call when your Dell crashes), is Santa Claus, Jolly Fat Greed Bringer!
Let’s meet our two warriors and see who truly is the beardiest battler!
RobbieRobTown and the Curse of the Alphabetical Ladies
Hello Correctoids.
As you know, I maintain my own twitter feed, @RobbieRobTown, on which I occasionally tweet thoughts of tremendous importance. However, one such incident resulted in an inexplicable hack of my account… I think… Allow me to explain.
I tweeted the following:
“In Green Lantern Rebirth, they chase Parallelogram back into that big lantern on Oprah. Does that mean they have to fear The Colour Purple?”