ACTION SMACKDOWN: James Bond vs Ashley “Ash” Williams.
ACTION SMACKDOWN!
This week: Still reeling from the clusterf#$k that was last week’s smackdown, we attempt to move forward. James Bond British Superspy takes on Ash Williams of the “Evil Dead” films.
The rules are simple, and can be found HERE.
Admin_Rock here. So just a brief introduction before we get down to it. Last week’s smackdown was loaded with controversy, as we have differing results based on time of day. There was a versioning issue, apparently Benji put a draft up, rather than the finished version, and RRT is on the warpath. Watch your back, intern.
Tbinns begged us to use the Daniel Craig Bond, which is, with all due respect to Tbinns, just stupid. Clearly it should be Connery. I can understand not wanting to use Roger Moore, as the later Moore films were in the “silly” era. But really, Craig has been in a whole 2 films. The first was pretty good, the second almost incomprehensible. Not good enough.
Anyhow, just a word on the weapon situation. As per the rules, the weapons are stored on a platform 10 feet above the arena floor. The contestants start an equal distance from the platform, on opposing sides. Since it’s Craig’s Bond, less gadgets. We’ll give him a watch with a garrotte wire in it, and a Walther P99 (which, according to The Internet Movie Firearms Database (which is a real thing) is the main weapon used by Bond in Casino Royale). Ash gets his Boomstick (12 gauge double barrelled shotgun), and a chainsaw that will mystically attach itself in place of his right hand (or Bond’s for that matter) should he reach it first.
Anyways, enough of me… Let’s get it on, like the Viet Cong.
Tbinns
Listen up you primitive screwheads…
I pushed for Daniel Craig for a number of reasons. He’s the contemporary Bond, he is, in my opinion, our second greatest Bond ever, but most of all because he hasn’t done that much killing. Throw Connery into the mix and you’ve got a killer with YEARS of experience going through the competition like butter, then fucking their significant others… Put Craig in there and you have a Bond who is a little rougher around the edges…he’s damned good but he hasn’t quite found his rhythm yet. It evens the playing field and makes for a more interesting fight.
And then there is Ash. Ash has many pros and cons. Con: He is clearly an idiot. Pro: That means people underestimate him which allows him to bumble his way to victory. Con: He almost lost a fight with his own hand. Pro: It takes some balls and no small amount of skill to cut ones own hand off. And he LAUGHED WHILE HE DID IT! I’m not too sure I’d want to fuck with that guy. Con: Bond is a much better shot. Pro: That Chainsaw seems to come from miles around and magically slip on his stump like it was fucking Excalibur.
Sure, Ash could just raise his stump when the buzzer goes, watch the Chainsaw tumble through the air and land perfectly on his stump… but by that time Bond has the walther and he puts one perfectly between the eyes. No Ashley J. Williams’ Momma didn’t raise no dummies, and he didn’t survive an onslaught of Deadites twice and then once more in medieval times to be taken out by no tea and crumpet eating English fancy boy. Ash has a plan.
Bond is tense, coiled, ready to spring but unmoving Ash is giving him the eyebrow from across the arena.
Buzzer sounds…Bond bolts for the gun. Ash reaches into his pants and pulls out a flap of human skin (not THAT one, a page from the Necronomicon) and begins to read…Klatuu…Baraddaa Nenshifromayorummmm.
As Bond reaches the top of the weapons platform the audience falls dead silent. And I do mean dead. Suddenly, all the spectators are hissing and screeching, dead white eyes fixed on the combatants.
“Uh Oh”
“What the hell did you do?”
“HEY you wanna cut me some slack Nancy?”
“What did you expect to happen?”
“Do I look like Gandalf to you, I fucked up, okay? It happens!”
The audience rushes forward. Bond throws the chainsaw through the air to Ash…which lands perfectly on the right stump. Next the boomstick arcs through the air…perfect catch.
Bond keeps the high ground, picking off Deadites with precision. Ash is sloppily slashing and firing until the ammo is gone. Bond fights his way over to Ash.
“The page… the book page where is it?”
BOOM BZZZZ SPLAT GUSH
“In My Pants!
SCREECH, HOLLAR KICK SPLAT
Bond rolls his eyes and reaches into Ash’s Pants
“Hey, whoa, not on a first date…”
BOOM, SPLAT! SWALLOW YOUR SOUL DIE DIE DIE
Bond takes the page, wraps his pen around it and hits a button, then tosses the pen like a grenade.
The explosion takes out 12 deadites…the page gone, the rest of them fall in a heap, and slowly wake up as themselves.
“Hey, thanks a lot pal, you’re alright…”
CLICK
CLICK
CLICK
Bond has his gun to Ash’s forehead… but James is out of bullets.
TCHKT.
Boomstick empty.
Ash revs up his right hand
“Groovy “
Which is EXACTLY how it would have gone if there was even the REMOTEST chance a clown like Ash could beat James Bond. What actually happened was that Bond parkoured his way up the weapons pole lickety split, just like he did in Casino Royale, and shot Ash twice in the head before he could say “Gimme some sugar.” But that’s not as much fun to write, is it?I like Ash as much as the next geek, but it doesn’t matter who is playing him…IT’S JAMES FUCKING BOND.There is no way he’s going down to a bumbler.
Winner: James Bond. Long live the Queen.
RobbieRobTown
“Why not Sean Connery?”, you ask, logically. I honestly cannot recall the rationale for using Daniel Craig. It’s not that I mind Daniel Craig, I like him better than Timothy Dalton, and for that matter, it’s not that I mind Timothy Dalton- I just kind of mind Timothy Dalton’s Bond. Heck, once you get over the physically impossible elements of “Goldeneye”, which takes place in a non-supernatural world where normal physics are supposed to apply, even Pierce Brosnan is a pretty good Bond. Lazenby was marginal, and Roger Moore I could take or leave. Anyway, There is nothing wrong with Daniel Craig. I like him in stuff, he seems fitting of the James Bond role. So why no Connery? I dunno. His improbably Scottish sounding accent? Not that I have a problem with Scottish people, my family is basically exclusively that… Anyway, I don’t know why we settled on Daniel Craig. Oh, right, sorry- We settled on Daniel Craig because it is all fixed.
I don’t need to explain Ash to you, do I? His heroes journey is the classic one which goes from selfish coward to selfish coward with no option but to fight. He gets in a lot of tussles with books, some of which have teeth. Also, it’s a trick, get an axe.
I can tell you very succinctly how this will go. The referee (Batman) will remind Ash and Bond of the rules.
Batman: (Gravelly voice): Everyone clear on the rules.
Bond: (Emerging from a woman) Yes, of course.
Ash: Yeah, I got it.
Batman (Gravelly voiceier) Are you sure?
Ash: Yeah, yeah, I got it!
And the fight begins! Ash shoots Bond in the face with a shotgun, and then saws off his head with his chainsaw hand for good measure.
Ash: Hail to the King, baby.
Batman: (Angry gravel with broken glass voice) : How did you get those weapons! Did I not explain the rules! You don’t start with the weapons, you have to get them off the platform! Did you not hear me?
Ash: Well maybe not every single syllable, but basically, yeah…
Batman: (While being shot in the face by Ash in a totally cowardly unfair way, so dialogue is mumbled through jaw fragments and blood) I should disqualify you!
Ash: What?
Batman: Gurble Burble!
That’s it folks. Ash might be the protagonist, but he isn’t very heroic, and he is not really a good guy. Is Batman pissed? Yeah! Is Bond upset? No, he is dead. Would Bond have foreseen this and planned around it? One might have hoped so, but I say no. Could Ash fire off a round into Batman’s face? In a non euphemistic way? If Geoff John’s says Hal Jordan can one-punch bats, then yes. Next round, Batman will have a tiny version of bad Ash to help keep Ash onder control, and in the mean time, it’s decided, despite the boos of an angry mob.
Winner: Ash
Loser: Classy heroes.
Admin_Rock
I’m on vacation at the moment, and wasn’t expecting to weigh in on this, but, as always, Admin_Rock is up to the challenge.
The two men enter the arena, and stare one another down. Bond removes his coat, glaring at Ash.
Ash glares back, as the camera zooms in on his eyes. His eyes go from hard glare to goofy widening surprise, then back to hard glare.
The horn goes, and Bond runs for the weapons, reaching the platform in record time. Ash strides toward the platform confidently. By this time
Bond has his gun, and has placed three in the chest, in a perfect triangle. Ash staggers, looks down, and coughs. When he opens his mouth, a
small demon begins crawling out of it. It pulls itself slowly from his mouth, grabbing his nose and hauling itself out. Ash looks in disbelief.
The demon smiles at him, then opens its mouth, showing four rows of teeth. It clamps down on his nose, engulf the entire thing and begining to
chew. Ash screams in pain, and tries to remove it from his face. He struggles with it for a minute, is able to pull the little bastard away, far enough to
see it. It smiles again, and scampers down, entering his pants. Ash screams in horror as the demon repeats his clamping. He yanks down his pants to
see that his dick is now enitre missing. Ash screams “Oh Momma!”. The demon spits out the disgraded organ, which begins crawling away. Ash tries to grab
it and begins to enjoy the way that feels. Suddenly, the dick turns on him, and jams itself in his eye. He screams again, as the penis repeatedly enters his eye socket.
Bond meanwhile, has been standing and watching. He puts Ash out his misery with two more bullets in the face and heart. Without a demon to protect him
this time, Ash succumbs, either to the bulet, or possibly the vicious skull rape. Bond looks down and ‘tsks’, as the penis goes limp, covered in ash’s blood.
“Now that’s what I call Spotted Dick”.
WINNER: Bond
Decision: Bond
So Bond wins, and moves on to the next round. Tune in next week for more excitement from the Action Dome.
Comments explode below.
