Action Smackdown Semi Final 1: Indiana Jones vs The Man With No Name
ACTION SMACKDOWN! Semi Final 1: Indy vs TMWNN. Let’s get it on like the original Red Dawn.
Cub Reporter Keith
Welcome back, Action Fans! This week we get one step closer to the final battle. This is the geek equivalent of the Olympics for you and the Bataan death march for the judges.
Let’s put them in the arena – I will treat this match as a sequel to the previous matches so in keeping with their own sequels Indy is three years younger and The Man With No Name doesn’t have his poncho yet.
Both men learned from the first round, it’s fisticuffs immediately. Indy yells and dives at the MWNN.
Just a quick aside, I know Admin Rock still hasn’t watched the MWNN films. $10 at HMV for all three films. You can’t go wrong. Seriously, that is cheaper than cupcakes.
The fight is a bit odd in my head. Both of these guys are known for getting beat senseless by people bigger than them, healing up, then winning through a bit of sneaky action. But how do two characters of such similar style fight?
Indy beats MWNN to a bloody pulp while simultaneously being beaten into the exact same consistency. In a momentary break, Indy goes for the guns. He is a fraction of a second ahead of the MWNN and thinks he has the jump on him. But now they are in what’s-his-name’s world. Now it is a shoot out.
In a move so fast it defies film speed to even capture it, MWNN fans the hammer on his single action revolver and puts every slug into Indy’s brown on brown clothing.
The Man With No Name turns to the undertaker who I forgot to mention was hanging out nearby.
“I guess you’ll need one more coffin”
Lighting a cheroote, he walks off, not adjusting his poncho because I said he doesn’t have that yet.
(note to self, don’t forget to Photoshop out poncho before posting)
Winner: The Man With No Name
Tbinns
Admin Rock, in his tender care of this site, e-mailed everyone because he was a little alarmed that no one had as of yet posted anything for this Smackdown . I myself am very busy today studying screen caps from “Love and Other Drugs” so I’m unable to contribute today.
Oh I’m studying them alright.
I did send a text off to one of my stand up comedy buddies, classic observational comedian Shecky Hackstein, who agreed to live tweet the event. Shecky has been in the business since the boom in the 80’s (I know this because he still references Mr. T in the act) and has had the privilege of sleeping on the couch of a guy who opened for Jerry Seinfeld.
Let’s take a look at the live tweeting of Indy versus The Man with No Name live tweeted from the arena by Shecky Hackstein.
FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien
Did you ever notice how many Twits are on Twitter?
FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien
Here comes Indy. Did you ever notice that no matter what happens his hat always stays on? What’s up with that?
FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien
I remember when live tweeting used to be called “Talking”.
FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien
TMWNN is here. How did they find him? It’s not like you could look him up in the phone book
FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien
#FF @DonRickles a true professional
FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien
Thanks to Indy’s whip, the Man with no name is now the man with no gun.
FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien
Funny, you can grow dates, and you can grow rape…but you can’t grow date rape.
FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien
MWNN is taking the boots to Indy. That’s a weird phrase, sounds like he’s a shoe salesman… “Here you go Dr. Jones, size six”
FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien
Their fighting styles are very different. You know who else is different? Men and Women.
FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien
If The Man with No Name was the Woman with no name he’d be all “Does my ass look fat in this Poncho?” AM I RIGHT LADIES?
FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien
MWNN is strangling Indy with the straps of his own manpurse #menshouldneverhavepurseseveramirightguys?
FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien
I’m starting a new movement. Occupy Morgan Fairchild’s Vagina. Who’s with me, guys? Is she hot or what?
FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien
Indy just punched MWNN, I think you can hear it from space.
FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien
If Arnold Swartzenegger were fighting here, he’d be all “I’ll be back” and then he’d father an illegitimate child. #careerterminated
FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien
Indy trying to fight back but having trouble. Just like the girls at Tim Horton’s when they try and take my order
FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien
It’s a double double honey…Don’t you come from a country where they grow coffee you’d think they’d know that
FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien
Boy Timmy’s is addictive, what’s in the stuff, heroin?
sgtMIKE2 Michael Mazurek
I don’t know what’s worse…the Shecky Smackdown or the coin toss from last week . @FunnyShecky, @thecorrectness
Retweeted by FunnyShecky
FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien
Okay…where did that plane come from? And what’s the deal with the food on airplanes?
FunnyShecky Shecky Hackstien
It’s over.MWNN diced by a random plane propeller. Can I have my peanuts now stewardess?
Okay so here’s what really happened. MWNN had gun, Indy had whip, Indy took gun away, Indy shot MWNN. But there is no way on Earth Admin rock would have klet me get away with that. Either way the result is the same.
Winner :Indiana Jones
Loser: Tired old road comics.
RobbieRobTown:
I have already mentioned, Oh Faithful Readers, that I feel like Indy’s vulnerability is his weakness. It makes him more compelling, more fun to watch, we find him easier to relate to. Nonetheless, being vulnerable, no matter how much humanity and depth that gives you, still leaves you, well, vulnerable. God, that line sounded like a line from a televisoon high school weekly drama- You know the kind where the main character writes on their blog, or in the Livejournal account, or what have you, and there is a narration over top of it right at the end of the show? We found out that Dylan or Bethany or whoever learned something about themselves, and we are happy there has been a moral choice made. I think I’m going to complete this smackdown as if it were in the sports page of a high school newspaper, because I’m feeling inspired.
Hey, sports fans! It’s me your intrepid reporter Spiffy O’Mally, with another scoop that’s going to turn your your shoes blue! All you guys know that the Intramural action hero smackdown was happening in the gym this week (Go Goats!) and it sure was a wing dang dilly of a fight!
All the Fightin’ Billy Goats were in attendance, and the smackdown even saw the presence of such school luminaries as Chad Saunders! <3
First Indy came out swinging, shooting first, like he does! Then, TMWNN came hammering in like a saw, and started shooting off his six-shooter like a champagne bottle on grad night!
There was a bit of chat to satrt off the fight, and the trash talk was more trashy than a asomatous asmodeous spectre!
"Listen, we don't have to do this", impuned Indy, inpunefully.
"Hmm?" aborted-out TMWNN.
"We can just shoot each other in the legs, and call it even" , cried Indy, hospitalizationishly...
"..." rallied back The Man With No Name
"Which of you ladies wants to see me take my shirt off?", said Chad Saunders announcedly, to the satisfied cries of many a feminine goats fan- Oh, not me, obviously, I'm a boy- But it got quite the reaction when Chad Saunders finally did lift off his white t shirt and reveal his smooth and unmarked flesh like a roll of sexy parchment with a giant package.
But it was Indy's "can-do" attitude that won the day, because just like our own Fighting Goats, Indy knows how to get a job done! The after party at Chad Saunders' parents house was a real swinging affair, and your own intrepid reporter ducked into the closet for 7 minutes in heaven with an unsuspecting Chad! Boy was he angry when he found out what a hilarious practical joke I had played on him, letting him kiss and caress me for 7 full minutes...
That's enough of that, isn't it? I'm going to give this one to Indy because he is a well rounded character. Part of the fun of the serial adventure story is that the lead character always finds their way out of a bind. INdy is written to be vulnerable, to be sure, but he is also written to be clever, and quick on his feet. The Man With No Name seem calculating enough, but he doesn't have the same good-guy charm as Indiana Jones. Sure, we'd think the tides had turned, and there was no chance for Our Hero, but Lawrence Kasdan knows a thing or two about creating a sympathetic character that wins, plausibly enough, against all odds.
Winner: Indy
Loser probably: Han Solo in a battle with Indy, calling it now, Han is underwritten.
