An Open Letter to Gibson Guitars re: The Les Paul
Dear Gibson Guitars:
Let’s get right to it: What have you done to the Les Paul? You took a childhood dream, a kind of faith, and murdered it. Gibson, did you never love me?
I went shopping today. I was going to buy myself a Christmas/birthday present for the years 2010 thru 2012, because that is how long it will take me to pay off one of your guitars.
So, as I just implied above, and after significant deliberation, I decided that I would buy a proper grown up Les Paul. You know, your flagship electric guitar. The FAMOUS one. The one that rawk music would be neutered without? The one made legendary in the late sixties when you stopped producing it, and brought back years later with unparalleled success? The UBIQUITOUS Les Paul? That one.
When I was around ten, my dad told me about when he was in a band- they might have been terrible, it doesn’t matter, but he had a buddy who had a Les Paul, and he said playing along the neck of it was “like playing on butter”- and I’m sure he meant that to be complimentary, because butter is smooth and creamy, and we were a margarine family at the time and margerine was supposed to be better for you. Since then, I have always wanted to play Les Paul- I’d never even seen one, nor could I recognize one. Plus, I grew up in the eighties, and there were armies of cheap strat copies being strummed hard through solid state amps with ill-fitted “overdrive” switches that did nothing. Pick up switches were thrown from one position to another, making no audible difference. Guitars that felt like rusty razors taped willy-nilly to a particularly unbalanced log, guitars painted the colours of hair metal and suicide.
I have a Les Paul, did you know that? A cheap one, because I was a student. It is from your sister company, it’s an Epiphone Les Paul Classic- It had those wicked exposed pick-ups (they looked so badass to me.) that were meant to mimic the Genuine Gibson (TM) 57 Classics your company still supplies, and it had the slim tapered 60’s neck- it was rad at the time. Rad factor, 7 out of ten. I later shelled out the money for the real 57 p’ups too, and had those bad boys installed. After a few tweaks, it has been a real workhorse of a guitar. I love it. Might I also point out here that your 57 classics were themselves meant to mimic the PAFs on the Original 57 Les Paul with humbuckers, and you got it about right, so what’s with the Burstbuckers? I digress- for now…
I picked up my LP classic the first year you were making guitars in China (more on this in a moment…), and it has been more or less bulletproof. God I love it so… Pretty as a picture too. I get that my book-matched maple top is a maple veneer on top of a plain maple cap, on top of some plain mahogany, and the materials on my guitar are of an acceptable standard, and that the finishing isn’t perfect- It’s meant to look basically like a Les Paul and sound basically like a Les Paul, and it is close enough- hell, with those new pickups on it sounded, well, it sounded damn near the real thing, if I do say so myself.
Sadly, my Epi Les Paul needs an overhaul, some basic maintenance, and it has a few electrical issues. What could I expect, right? I’ve had it five years without any real problems. So I went shopping for a real Gibson Les Paul. Plus, my guitar was made in China, and it is presumably mostly comprised of lead and melamine, because everything American is always better than anything Chinese- right? Right? That’s why the American stuff is more expensive- it’s labour intensive, and the labour is pricier too… I assumed. Anyway, like I said, I was off to buy a shiny new Les Paul! The guitar to end all guitars.
I’ll just throw this little question out there, Oh Gibson Guitars: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU SCREW UP THE MOTHERFUCKING LES PAUL! IT’S A MOTHERFUCKING LES PAUL, GIBSON! A LES MOTHERFUCKING PAUL MOTHERFUCKING STANDARD!!!
Whilst shopping, I fIrst thought maybe I would cop a Rivers Cuomo, or a John K Samson, or a BIlly Joe Armstrong and play a Les Paul Junior- You know, one pick up, two knobs, tonal options between crunchy and crunchy…
You rereleased the Les Paul Junior a few years back, and presumably because it is a simpler guitar to make, and half the price of a grown up Les Paul, you felt like you could assemble them with scrap parts, barbed wire, and unforgivable sin. The colour selection alone was sinful. I picked up a two-pick-up Junior (why two?) and I’m curious about who does the quality control in your top of the line American factory- You know, the factory that is hypothetically better than your Chinese one. When they were doing the fret dressing, is there a setting on the jig on the work table for “hilarious” ? Because I could feel my flesh tearing just looking at the side of the neck. Incredulous, I picked it up, and it was worse than I had imagined. $1200 my ass. Now I will give you that it sounded nice- quite nice in fact, but Sweet Merciful Christ, how about a little basic attention to detail, even on your lower priced models?
Oh, If I may take a brief tangent here, did you ditch the recent Chinese Epiphone Elitist line because the guitars were too good, and making your American Les Pauls look shitty? I only ask because it is the only thing that makes sense.
In any case, “Fuck that shit,” I thought to myself, “I’ll buy a real genuine Gibson Les Paul”. So, after looking at the train wreck top woods you have selected for your 08 models (I see you didn’t release an 09, could that be because of economic decline, of failing customer support in response to your ugly-ass, ear-raping guitars?) I selected the least visually offensive Les Paul 08 standard from the selection at the store.
I have another question for you Gibson: What happened to being able to hear the G string? Did the mid range suddenly go out of fashion? I ask because I sometimes play chords that use the G string- in fact, I’m going to say 90% of the time…
Why did you chamber the body of a classic design? It already worked, everyone said it worked, why did you fuck with it? Did you develop the new Burstbuckers to replace the 57’s because you needed pickups that would sound right inside of a redesigned body, or did you simply think it would be humorous to take the Les Paul “standard” and make it utterly nonstandard in every conceivable way?
GIbson, you can have this, you Ass-Hats: the “plek’d” process for fret dressing works great, and I hope to Christ my room temperature never varies from 22 Celsius, lest the extreme close shave you gave the frets becomes problematic.
Entirely against my better judgement, I picked up a Les Paul “traditional” which I’m told has a non-chambered body. This is a heavy guitar, the way a Les Paul is supposed to be- It should, in fact, be a neck breaking labour to wear an LP through an entire concert. The mass helps the sustain and the tone- I’m not saying I’m an expert, it’s just that a bazillion people say so, and a bazillion people must be right.
Here is another issue with the traditional: Speed knobs. I hate speed knobs. HATE. The knobs, which I somewhat controversially consider to be decorative, should at least be sexy to look at- and why GOLD speed knobs? Correct answer for the exam: Top Hat Knobs, Amber.
Mounting those gold speed knobs on top of the baffling selections of top woods is even more confounding. At least I could hear the midrange again. I know my bookmatched maple top is a veneer on top of real maple, but whycome my veneer is so sexy, and your hand selected, top of the line woods look like they were grown in a radioactive swamp? And how come you can’t seem to get heritage cherry sunburst right anymore? I might buy black, and avoid the whole issue.
Aren’t your finishes supposed to be nitro-cellulose too? Why does it feel just as sticky as the polyester on my Epi Les Paul?
I don’t think you guys are even trying anymore. If you continue to do ridiculous things like this, I will go out and buy a Telecaster. That’s right, a goddamn Tele. With tone so thin, anorexics will envy it.
Fuck you for ruining a dream I’ve had for more than 20 years,
Rob
