XXX-Men : The XXX Parody
Lots of other sites will preview those OTHER movies. You know, they’ll show on set pictures of Captain America. Not holding a shield. Not even in the costume. And it’s blurry as all hell. Or they’ll show you a car on the set of Thor. Well, not the Correctness. No sir. The Correctness are a bunch of zeitgeist loving motherfuckers who know EXACTLY what our loyal audience wants. We are out searching for the REAL scoop.
That’s why our vast network of spy (Yes, the singular is on purpose) has been scouring the internet and sometimes leaving his house to bring you the freshest scoops from the world of Superhero movies.
There was the imaginatively titled “Jersey Shore : the XXX Parody”
There was “The Simpsons :the XXX Parody” for all you jaundice fetishists out there.
There was “XXX Parody : The XXX Parody” for the fella that likes a little meta with his spank material
Well The Correctness has gotten a sneak preview of the next great XXX- Parody. Here for your enjoyment, are selections from the screenplay for “X-men : The XXX Parody” which we all know should be called “XXX-Men” but evidently they really don’t want to mess with success over there at the XXX Parody studios.( Or at Least “Sex Men” I mean COME ON!! ) Now this is not the complete screenplay, unfortunately by the time I got to it to write the article, all of the scenes with Kitty Pryde were either ripped out or …rendered unusable by Robbie Robtown. Just a few selections for you to peruse before we are forced to take them down by Disney, Marvel and our wives.
Enjoy.
INT. SEX-MANSION – DAY
Young Rogue is speaking with Wolverine
WOLVERINE
So you wanna join the SEX-Men do ya, bub? Well…what are your powers?
ROGUE
Well, I guess you could say I…SUCK all of the powers out of superheroes
WOLVERINE
Is that so? Care to prove it?
ROGUE
I sure would, sugar!
Rogue drops to her knees.
(Zip)
(Snikt)
ROGUE (con’t)
Oh my! It’s so HARD!
WOLVERINE
That’s right. Those Bastards at Weapon XXX replaced my boner with Adamantium
ROGUE
You ARE a mutant! Do y’all know how to use that thing?
WOLVERINE
Sure do, Baby. I’m the best at what I do…and what I do is VERY nice…
*************************************************
INT. THE SEX-JET-NIGHT
Kitty Pryde and Collossus are in the back of the Sex-jet, waiting to go on a very important mission
KITTY
So…what’s the mission, Colossus?
COLOSSUS
Juggsernaut is on a rampage…we must stop him.
KITTY
How frightening. I hope it goes okay…I mean I don’t want to die a virgin.
Colossus smiles. Kitty smiles back. she slowly starts to unzip the front of her costume
KITTY
Say…why DO they call you Colossus?
(Whoomp. Clunk. Jet dips a little then rights itself.)
KITTY
Oh my God…I’m gonna have to use my phase power just to get that in my…
(Several pages missing…action picks up 15 pages later)
KITTY
That’s it…That’s it! Don’t stop!
JUGGSERNAUT
I won’t stop…I’m the JUGGSERNAUT, BITCH!!
**********************************************
EXT. SEX-MANSION GARDENS – DAY
Jean Grey is talking with her husband, Scott
JEAN
I’m so scared, Scott…I feel like I can’t control my powers anymore
SCOTT
It’ll be okay Jean… Professor Sex will help you
JEAN
I don’t think he can help me, it’s too big. It’s like a big hot ache deep inside me…
SCOTT
You seemed to handle big things inside you before. Like on our wedding night.Maybe I can help you with that.
JEAN
You mean you want me to show you my Dark Phoenix?
SCOTT
and I’ll show you my Cyclops…
Emma Frost saunters out from behind a nearby hedge
EMMA
Any room for me?
JEAN
YOU! Get lost bitch! Get Your Own Man
EMMA
Oh Jean, you foolish girl. Don’t you know I’m psychic. I can read minds…and I know just what you want…
Jean and Emma kiss tenderly…Scott smiles
SCOTT
You might be able to turn yourself into diamonds Emma…but I’m the one getting hard!
***********************************************
INT. BEASTS LAB-DAY
Hank is working away in the Lab…when Storm comes in
STORM
Hank! The Sextinals are coming, to destroy all the Sex Men with their Sex Rays. Also…sex.
BEAST
I can’t help right now…I have to work something for Professor Sex
STORM
What are you working on?
BEAST
It’s an experiment on the attraction of Magnetic particles. This could be the key to defeating Magneto.
STORM
speaking of attraction…I’ve been wanting to do a little experimenting myself
BEAST
With what?
STORM
Beastiality….
A small localized rainstorm begins, soaking Storm and her white costume right through
STORM
Ohh look…I got myself all wet for you…
BEAST
Oh My Stars and Garters!
****************************************
INT. SEX MANSION, DANGER ROOM – NIGHT
Jean is sprawled out in bed with Colossus and Wolverine, all three naked and exhausted
JEAN
Wow. That was incredible! What do you call that maneuver you pulled?
WOLVERINE
(Wait for it. Here it comes. Everybody together now)
It’s called a” Fastball special”
JEAN
It was amazing
WOLVERINE
Wanna do it again?
JEAN
Already?
WOLVERINE
Healing factor. (Snickt)
JEAN
I like how it’s retractable.
WOLVERINE
You ready, Colossus?
Colossus “Metals up”
COLOSSUS
Da. Good to go
*****************************
The Big Finale. Rogue, Storm, Psychlocke, Jean Grey, Kitty Pryde, Emma Frost and Dazzler are facing Magneto, Mystique, Scarlet Witch and Lady Deathstrike.
STORM
You’ll never get away with enslaving mankind Magneto…we are here to stop you!
MAGNETO
Fools. I offered you a mutant paradise. And now you will bow to your true master. It’s time to evolve ladies!
Magneto waves his hand, all zippers , buttons, bra straps etc come off, The girls scream and make a show of covering up.
EMMA FROST
Hey, what the hell? I wasn’t wearing any metal!
JEAN GREY
That was me.
They share a sly smile
MAGNETO
And now you’ll see my true plan come to fruition! Charles!
Professor Sex comes rolling out
KITTY (Whose name actually does sound like a porn star)
Thank goodness. Get him professor!
MAGNETO
Not so fast. I gained access to Cerebro and switched the components….the first time Charles used it, it changed his way of thinking forever…he’s with me now!
JEAN GREY
Oh NO!!
CHARLES
Yes indeed, Jean. and now I have a little surprise for you…
The Sex-Women all clutch their heads…then start touching each other
PSYCLOCKE
Aughh.. he’s too powerful…he’s controlling us…
MAGNETO
That’s right. You are powerless against him. Raven my dear, you know what to do…
MYSTIQUE
I sure do…
The Females of the brotherhood start kissing and fondling the Sex-Women
DAZZLER
I can’t resist…it feels…so right…
EDITORS NOTE: What follows is a lesbian orgy of unprecedented depravity and duration, topped off by Mystique becoming at various points in the orgy Elektra, Spider-Woman, She Hulk and every other female in the Marvel universe, and occasionally, when warranted, growing a penis. I would have included this, but Robbie Robtown got to it first, and he has told me that he will die before he parts with it. He has literally threatened to “Punch me in my face hole until I am dead” . Then he broke down crying, clutching the pages to his chest, gently rocking back and forth, uttering “here Kitty Kitty Kitty” between heaving sobs. So we must skip these 50 or so pages of spectacular finale and go straight to the conclusion…if you have a problem with this, take it up with RRT.
The orgy finally ends. Everyone lounges about…very satisfied.
EMMA
Wow…we aren’t just mutants…we’re also freaks.
KITTY
Talk about Sex Men United…
They hear a giggling from up above. The camera pans up. Nightcrawler is hanging upside down from the chandelier
JEAN
Nightcrawler! You Perv!
NIGHTCRAWLER
I’m sorry, I did not mean to snoop
EMMA
How long have you been up there?
NIGHTCRAWLER
Long enough to get a wicked case of…BLUE BALLS!
Everyone laughs. Nightcrawler gives a shrug and a thumbs up
Fade out:
The End
Well, there you have it. You may now proceed to your respective bunks. Stay tuned next week when we give you an exclusive preview of The Fucktastic Four
SUE
Looks like I’m caught between a rock and a hard place
BEN
I think it’s clobberin time…
and coming soon, a preview of the big budget Superhero epic, The Assvengers
CAP
ASS-vengers…ASS-emble!
BLACK WIDOW
Again? Jesus Christ we need more women in this group
Till then…make mine MARVEL!
