25 Things Right with The Star Wars Universe
We get dozens of emails saying that The Correctness does nothing but make fun of, and mock things. Those emails are just stupid. Clearly, The Correctness is a bastion of all things good AND bad. To that end, we present the mirror opposite of our list of 25 things wrong with The Star Wars Universe. We know that the normal behavior of Star Wars fans is to shit all over the thing they claim to love the most, but if we didn’t love it in the first place, we couldn’t hate it so much.Again, these are not in any particular order.
On with it!
1. The Lightsaber
No weapon in the history of film has had as much impact as the Lightsaber. For decades now, children have been pretending to have one, making the unforgettable whhhah whhhah sound, and mistaking the pronunciation with a popular hard candy.
And why not. It’s a kick ass weapon, deadly, elegant, and glowy. It has distinct sound effects for both the activation and swinging of, and it comes in a variety of colours. And who didn’t make an excited squeal noise when they first saw the double sided bad boy Darth Maul had?
2. Boba Fett
Boba Fett is a fantastic villain, mysterious, mostly silent, hidden behind a really cool helmet. He also flies, has a BFG, and a rocket launcher on his back. Arguably, he was taken out too soon, and didn’t get a lot of screen time. This actually added to the mystery, and guaranteed his place in the list. He died like a bitch but damn if he didn’t live like a man. We think. Again the whole mystery thing. Jetpack. Cable ropes. Awesome.
3. R2D2
There is no better droid one could ask for. R2 is a faithful, stalwart companion who is completely driven with carrying out his mission, whatever that may be. The Correctness has a theory that R2’s intelligence and capacity is highly underestimated, and that he was, in fact, one of the Rebellion’s 3 Super Spies, constantly pulling strings from behind the scenes, and even hiding in plain sight much of the time.
4. John Williams
We remain firmly convinced that 30 to 40% of Darth Vader’s coolness stems directly from the “Imperial March”. Part of what got us so excited during the Episode 1 trailer (besides the double sided light saber sqeeeealll!!!) was hearing the strains of “The Force theme” in the background. Cue after cue brings us right back to the excitement of the moment. The Tie Fighter attack, the opening theme, even the Cantina theme it all comes back to us when we hear the perfect music from the Maestro. and in a similar vain…
5. Ben Burtt
Light sabers switched on, blasters firing, tie fighters roaring by, Jawas chattering, Huttese Rumblings,droid noises, Ion Cannons blasting, Racing Pods thundering by, these are highly unique, identifiable and fully awesome sounds. Ben Burtt is the driving force behind creating a complete a believable soundscape that a) puts you right in the moment, b) thrills you every time you hear it, and c) makes you want it for a ring tone.
6. Darth Vader (Particularly, Empire Strikes Back Darth Vader)
One of the great villains of all time at the height of his powers. The breathing, the voice, the armour…here was an actual PRESENCE. The best villains are the ones who don’t actually have to rant and rave and scream. The best villains are totally in control, like Don Corleone. Vader can kill you by thinking about it. He can stop laser blasts with his hands. He can kill you by thinking about it when you are on a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SHIP, so when he very calmly says to you
“Perhaps you think you are being treated unfairly?”
Rethink whatever shit you were about to pull on him immediately.
BAD ASS!!!!
7. Han Solo
We don’t know anyone who idolized Luke growing up. It was Han all the way. He had the attitude, the cool ship (more on that later) the Wicked Side-kick (More on THAT later) The Cute Girl (Definitely more on THAT later) and on top of it he had all the best lines. And back then they were funny! They are only unfunny now because we’ve been quoting them at each other for 25 years.
“I Love You”
“I know”
Classic!
8. Star Destroyers
Blast of Music. Logo. Opening crawl. Planet. Blockade runner. AND THEN SHEER FUCKING BUGSHIT CRAZY AWESOMENESS THAT SEEMS TO GO ON FOREVER!!!
9. The Millennium Falcon
We have no idea what the Kessel run is, nor do we know why it is measured in unit’s of distance instead of time, but whatever it is, the Falcon clearly owned it. It, more than any other ship in the Star Wars universe, was a character more than a piece of hardware. Temperamental, vulnerable, heroic, and brave. The Correctness loves and misses the Falcon.
10. The. Metal. Bikini.
Thank you George. Thank you.
11. POV shots from spaceship cockpits
Back before high end videogames, this was the only way nerds could experience the Star Wars universe first hand. It almost took it out of movie realm and into amusement park ride.The Battle of Hoth was made 10 times cooler with pov shots, as was the Death Star trench run in A New Hope. Didn’t you used to dream of an immersive 360 photo realistic Star wars flight simulator showing up at your local arcade? no? Just us? Fine, moving on…
12. Darth Maul
Ahhh Darth Maul…who used the power of the dark side of the Force to prevent Episode One from being a total loss. Here is a direct quote heard at the first night screening of Episode One, regarding the lightsaber fight… “There’s two of them…and he’s KICKING their ASS!!” Imagine how much better the subsequent films could have been if he had been able to stick around.
13. Chewbacca
“At last, we have the mighty Chewbacca.”
It would be like hanging around with a big, loyal dog who could fly spaceships, and rip the arms off of your enemies. Who wouldn’t want that? Chewie never said a word of intelligible dialogue in 4 films and we love him anyway. Perhaps in the case of Mr. Lucas’s dialogue skills it was largely for the best. We got a tiny taste of what the Battle of Endor SHOULD HAVE BEEN in Revenge of the Sith in an all too brief battle scene on Kashyyk, but shouldas and couldas aside, wookies, and Chewie in particular are teh awesome. The Correctness has determined that Chewie was likely the second Super Spy, as he patiently pulled strings and gently nudged things in the right direction for decades.
14. Stormtrooper uniforms
Well, the armour doesn’t seem to work against rocks and sticks, much less blasters, and they clearly can’t hit shit, and if your visibilty is limited on a space station notorious for not having safety rails you might have some workman’s comp in your future, but damn if they didn’t look cool!
15 The Emperor
When faced with a script full of terrible dialogue, Shakespearean actor Ian McDiarmid made a decision. He was going to tuck a napkin into his shirt collar and mow down on the scenery for the duration of the film. His plan worked gloriously. With each passing moment we made ourselves more his servant. You practically wanted to hiss at him every time he was on screen. We’re shocked they didn’t give him a mustache to twirl.
16. George Lucas
Two Words: Lifetime Pass. Eat it Nerds, he owes you nothing. He was nowhere near your childhood on the night in question. The Prequels had way more bad than good, and it hurt us all, but we wouldn’t be so over the top about it if we didn’t insanely love what he gave us in the first place. As much as we make fun of his dialogue and curse him out, (and we do) there isn’t one of us, or dare we say one of you that wouldn’t geek out if he invited you to take a tour of the ranch. And you’d be all nervous and refer to him as “Mr. Lucas” while avoiding eye contact. Search your feelings, you know it to be true.
17. The Speeder Bike Chase
If the Correctness could sum this up in 3 words it would be AAAAAAGH! LOOKOUT!!! TREES!!!! a super high speed chase (once again enhanced by POV shots) in an area where the use of such vehicles would be dangerous and stupid. So essentially they are just like ATV’s , only you have to imagine drunk assholes instead of Biker Scouts on them. A great sequence and a super cool vehicle.
18. Yoda
Told you, we did. Kick ass is he.
19. AT-ATs
Practical? No. Cool? Fuck yeah. That seems to be the Empire’s motto, now that we are thinking about it. Imperial Walkers looked nigh unbeatable. The original shock and awe tactic. They are the primary reason we play the Hoth level over and over again on Star Wars Battlefront. And unlike the Death Star, AT-ATs actually completed their mission of destroying the Rebel Base. Now if only something could be done about those pesky trippable legs.
20. Leia
This is not your typical damsel in distress. She gives as good as she gets and generally takes zero crap from anyone. Don’t believe us? Ask Jabba, who died a somewhat Carradine-esque ignominious death. She can swap a) quips with Solo, b) blaster fire with Stormtroopers, and c) spit with her brother and still have time to lead the Rebellion, and look pretty damned hot doing it.
21. Peripheral Aliens
The Correctness would like to give a big shout out to: Jawas, Sandpeople, Snaggletooth, Walrus Man, The Cantina Band, Bib Fortuna, Weequay, Rodians, Transdoshians, Hammerhead, Gammoreans, Nikto, Yak Face, Ree Yees, Sy Snoodles, Max Rebo, Lobot (WTF?) Ugnaughts and anyone else we may have forgotten for “Filling in the corners” of every frame and adding even more color to an already pretty colorful universe.
22. The Toys
The Correctness has very fond memories of opening up that Christmas or birthday present, revealing the Kenner Star Wars Logo after the first rip, and then tearing away at the rest of it like a deranged badger until we found out what we were about to add to our collection. We have less fond memories of giving all that stuff away to various young relatives only to have become insanely valuable later on. Doh.
Correctness survey question: Did you own the big expensive multi level Death Star Playset,
or the somewhat less expensive rounded cardboard dealie?
23. “No…I am your Father!!!”
Before it became a punchline this was the biggest mindfuck there ever was. This was long before the internet and spoilers, so it was the subject of SERIOUS playground debate for three years. Was he lying? The “That’s not true, that’s impossible!” faction said yes, but the “Search your Feelings” faction knew otherwise. An audible exhalation of bated breath was heard in the theatres world wide in 1983 after the words “Your father he is”.
24. Nien Nunb
That’s right, The Correctness is down with The Nunb, bitches. You might say that we are “Comfortably Nunb”. If fact, we think he is the THIRD Rebel super spy, and he is one of the few beings in the Galaxy who can pull off the whole 1920’s aviator cap thing.He could also kick Chuck Norris’ ass in a fight. Pure speculation on our part, perhaps, but we stand by it.
25. Luke Skywalker
Okay, he’s kinda whiney, but the dude is an ICON. He blew up the Death Star, rescued Princess Leia, redeemed his father, and you have to admit, he was pretty bad ass while rescuing Han from Jabba’s palace. Plus Mark Hamill went on to do a kick ass Joker. So the Correctness salutes you, Luke for being our wide eyed guide through the Universe we love so much. Tell you what, take the rest of the afternoon off, head on down to Toshi station and pick up a set of power converters on us. You deserve it, buddy.
So there it is…our Gushing Love Letter to Star Wars. We loved it then, we love it now. We make sure our kids love it, and annoy our wives and girlfriends with it. Did we miss something? Forget your favorite? Neglect to hold you like we did by the lake on Naboo? Let your outrage spill forth in the comment section.
