Miley Cyrus’ Unicorn Rainbow Rescue Team
As many of you know, I have been working almost unceasingly on several writing projects this year. In between screenplays, and my shaky-to-start novel, I was asked to pitch something to Disney!
Some years back I co-wrote, with a good friend, a talking-dog script for Disney called “Dirty Dog”, which was, at the time, in some very preliminary consideration for production. I am always happy to do work for Disney, even if it doesn’t get picked up.
This time though, I was thrilled to death when my business partner told me Disney had asked us specifically to come up with a premise for a new Miley Cyrus project! Hannah Montana! Miley was to be the producer, but she wanted the series to have the same hip, teen feel of Dirty Dog. Apparently she had read our old script! How flattered was I, even if it was one of those showbiz lies? Answer: Totes flattered, for realsies. I really pride myself on doing the most fashionable, “now” writing possible for screenplays, and this show had everything that would engage current TV audiences.
Well, I worked to my usual standards and produced 13 episodes of a new series, perfect for her demographic called, “Miley Cyrus Presents: MIley Cyrus’ Unicorn Rainbow Rescue Team”.
How shocked was I when the whole series, after weeks of encouragement, was roundly rejected? Answer: Totes shocked, for truesies. I felt completely manipulated. Here are some samples from the letter written to me by Miley Cyrus’ production team.
“…Completely inappropriate for the target demographic”
“…Zero merchandising potential, and a larger potential for fostering mental illness, but at a bare minimum psychologically destabilizing”
“…An incalculable indemnity nightmare”
I was just shattered. I was Dasboard Confessional Emo-Stricken. I had worked so hard to pitch Disney something fresh, incisive, and cutting edge. Something to challenge the viewers, and avoid all the lowest common denominator bullshit that pre-teens see through in a second. Kids today are SMART and deserve our respect for being able to address adult topics in a forthright, mature manner.
So, my dear friends, here, for you, straight from my heart, because no one else will ever enjoy this, are some excerpts from my personal favourite, Episode 3 of Miley Cyrus Presents: MIley Cyrus’ Unicorn Rainbow Rescue Team.
MILEY CYRUS PRESENTS: MILEY CYRUS’ UNICORN RAINBOW RESCUE TEAM
Episode Three: The Longest Goodbye
SCENE 1
INT CHIEF TWINKLEBERRY’S OFFICE- DAY
CHIEF TWINKLEBERRY hangs his unicorn head over his desk. Case files form impossible towers around his desk, and dank sticks to the room like cold sweats on a junkie. His hoofed foot pushes aside a now empty COFFEE MUG emblazoned with the words “World’s Greatest Dad”.
(C/U) He glances at a photo of his murdered unicorn family, kicks the MUG against the wall where it shatters (SLO/MO) into cruel shards. He takes swig out of the dregs of a cheap whiskey bottle. Aggressively he hits the intercom on his desk.
TWINKLEBERRY:
(On intercom)
Send in Sunsparkle Unicorn. NOW!
SUNSPARKLE UNICORN enters. He pushes his AVIATOR SUNGLASSES off his face with one hoof, revealing bloodshot eyes. Sunsparkle sits heavily onto a chair across the chief.
TWINKLEBERRY:
Are you high again, you useless piece of shit?
SUNSPARKLE:
What do you care? See if me not coming baked brings your family back Chief.
TWINKLEBERRY
You leave my family out of this!
SUNSPARKLE:
What am I doing here, Twinkleberry.
TWINKLEBERRY:
You’ve got a case. and I need you together on this. You
screw this up, and i’ll be on you like a hawk… on rice…
like a… shithawk on fuckrice, you get me, Sunsparkle Unicorn?
Sunsparkle takes a long drag of his cigarette, and extinguishes it on his yellowed unicorn horn, the once ivoroid majesty losing the last of its blue sparkles. He reaches out to the closest file on the chief’s desk.
SUNSPARKLE:
This rape case- the M.O….
TWINKLEBERY:
That’s right. Grumplepuss is out of prison.
SCENE 8
INT LOCKER ROOM DAY
GLIMMERSHINE Unicorn is in the showers. He lets the water run down his pink mane, and splash onto the tile floor.
FLOWERICIA UNICORN enters. Along a line of empty shower heads, he selects the one beside Glimmershine. He brushes his unicorn horn against Glimmershine’s horn.
GLIMMERSHINE:
Not here. Not now.
FLOWERICIA:
I thought you wanted me to surprise you.
GLIMMERSHINE:
This is work- we can’t get caught, they won’t- nobody will understand.
FLOWERICIA:
We can’t stay hidden forever. This is tearing me apart.
Flowericia nuzzles Glimmershines withers. Glimmershine stamps a rear hoof in pleasure. The steam of the shower build up around them, disguising them in in an intimate fog.
GLIMMERSHINE:
Wait…wait…
FLOWERICIA:
Too late…
Suddenly the two are fucking like- uh- like fucking wild unicorns can. Their unicorn horns glow and tremble, and so do their unicorn cocks. It is a hot, steamy, pointy, blur. Cocks, horns, cocks, horns. Impassioned whinnies echo in the empty locker room. The clattering noise of their shoed hooves is like some wild Victorian cobblestone street.
In a heightened moment, both of the unicorns emit jets of rainbows from their unicorn horns and penises, filling the room with sparkling iridescent rainbow juice. It hangs in the air with the steam.
Flowericia is crying.
FLOWERICIA:
Please, let’s just tell them. I love you so much.
GLIMMERSHINE:
NO! Get the fuck away from me. I’m not, I don’t…
FLOWERICIA:
Please…They can’t…
GLIMMERSHINE:
Go. GO!
Crestfallen, Flowericia canters out of the room. Glimmershine hangs his head, and returns to the shower.
SCENE 17
EXT DESERT DAY
Beneath a long line of high-tension electrical towers, TWINKLEBERRY and SUNSPARKLE have their guns trained on an unarmed cat in an orange jumpsuit. It is GRUMPLEPUSS. Speeding away is a courier van. Sunsparkle is near tears. High above, a police helicopter circles pointlessly, unable to do audio surveillance through the electrical interference.
Grumplepuss smiles wanly, serenely. handcuffed, yet somehow in charge. He stands in front of a plain, rectangular box- large enough for-
GRUMPLEPUSS:
She begged for her life, Sunsparkle.
SUNSPARKLE:
What’s in the box, Grumplepuss?
GRUMPLEPUSS:
In the end, they all, beg.
SUNSPARKLE:
(raises his gun again, cracking)
WHAT’S IN THE BOX?
TWINKLEBERRY
Don’t do this, Sunsparkle, this is what he wants!
GRUMPLEPUSS:
Become wrath, Sunsparkle. Become wrath.
SUNSPARKLE:
AW, WHAT’S IN THE BOX? WHAT’S IN THE BOX!
Sunsparkle rushes over to the box, kicking the lid open. Inside, a carefully combed blue mane, an ivory horn with a pearlescent caste. Is it her? His wife? Sunsparkle screams, and fires his gun, a direct hit on Grumplepuss. He fires again. And again. And again.
TWINKLEBERRY:
No! Sunsparkle- no! It’s… it’s… it’s what he wanted. Oh God. It’s what he wanted all along.
Sunsparkle turns the gun on himself. He fires.
SCENE 18
INT RAINBOW RESCUE TEAM HQ CHAPEL – DAY
A priest unicorn is reading the last rites for SUNSPARKLE., his body stilled and preserved. Several overweight pixies flutter and struggle to carry incense censer. They sully an otherwise beautiful moment.
CHIEF TWINKLEBERRY is evidently drunk, and barely hanging on to the last threadbare edges of his decorum. Scattered about, the rest of the Unicorn Rainbow Rescue Team are in various states of despair.
In the last row of pews, GLIMMERSHINE slips in beside FLOWERICIA. Flowericia turns away as he arrives. Pleadingly, Glimmershine slips his hoof on top of Flowericia’s.
Flowericia looks down. In his hoof, he finds Glimmershine has handed him an engagement ring. Something everyone will see on the tip of his horn. Flowericia looks up to meet his eyes.
In silence, hand in hand, the two watch the rest of the funeral. Both are crying.
FIN
