Eat Spaghetti, Fast Forward a Lot, Shack up with Javier Bardem
Last week, The Correctness decided to address a recurring complaint: “You guys never write stuff for women”. This is clearly false, as RobbieRobTown’s regular missives to specific women, and at least one issue of the Casting Couch will demonstrate. However, to be good and fair minded, we decided to address the situation. We looked to some of the biggest movie events aimed at women of the last few years, “Eat Pray Love” and “Sex and the City 2”, and decided to write a review. Tbinns was waylaid by some Indian food thing (the cooking of, not distress caused by), so it was left to RRT and I to man up and get feminine. (I’m already envisioning the remark spcMike just made.)
I previewed the first 3 minutes of “Sex and the City 2”, and found myself utterly unprepared. RobbieRobTown was in favour of “Eat Pray Love”. I warned him that it would likely contain at least 3 incidences of the Julia Roberts “bellowing laugh”, and that sometimes she’s capable of opening her mouth so wide, you feel compelled to move toward the screen in an attempt to walk into it, but he would not be swayed. And so it was that we sat down, notepads in hand, and began a journey that would last 32 hours. Or at least it seemed that long.
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First up, there are no spoiler warnings here. “Eat, Pray, Love” pretty much gives it all up in the title. It’s like if the movie Se7en had been called “Gwenyth Paltrow’s Head is in the Box”.
For a movie that is over 2 hours long, the director decides to spend all of two and half minutes letting us know that Julia is not married, but not happy. She tells us she is “in serious trouble!”, that “the only thing more impossible than leaving was staying” and that “there can be only one!”.
She can’t take her normal life with Billy Crudup one minute longer. He dares to tell her he’s thinking about going back to school, and that is the last straw. How dare he change his mind about something and want to try something new, or not know what he wants!!! (oh wait…)
She leaves Billy (probably the only character in the film I liked), and shacks up with James Franco, an actor in a play she wrote. The film shows us a performance in which a couple gets up and leave. I wanted to do the same, but I’m tougher than that. I stuck it out. Things got a little tough, but I figured it out, and didn’t quit.
Julia moves in with James Franco, who is all crazy about the yoga and gurus. She spends time languishing there as well, looking through her box of travel brochures. In fact, Julia spends a lot of time checking out her box in this film.
So, she heads to Italy, and it’s all scooters, spaghetti, jeans, scooters, spaghetti, wine. Seriously, if you have like a weird food fetish thing where watching people eat spaghetti turns you on, this is freaking Nirvana for you. Eventually there is a Thanksgiving scene, and then she heads to India.
We cut to a cab weaving through traffic (hee, I accidentally wrote ‘a cub weaving through traffic’, which would have been an awesome visual) , and I am almost certain that Jason Bourne will pop up any second…. still waiting. She ends up at an Ashram, where she prays a lot, mops floors, and well… okay, seriously, I got boooooooooored by this part of the film, and skipped ahead a lot. Something about a dude from Texas who can’t forgive himself and a something about a rogue elephant. As neither of them really do much other than stand near Julia Roberts, who gives a crap.
So, with the Eating and the Praying done, it’s time for some Lovin! Off to Bali. Julia breaks all the rules, photocopies stuff she shouldn’t, and gets in a knife fight with Javier Bardem. Well, no. Javier Bardem cries a lot, and hugs his son. There’s a lot of uncertainty about whether Julia will return to New York, or take on the mantle of the ‘Last Samurai’. Okay, no, but fuck that would have been awesome. Instead, there’s more hand wringing about whether she should go back or stay with Javier. We get a flashback to Billy Crudup, who has met a woman and had a baby. We don’t get to see whether she too decides to flee from him.
Quick summary: WTF??? Italy looks nice, India looks crowded and hot, Bali looks tropical, Javier Bardem on a boat, this thing is done.
RobbieRobTown:
Watching this film gave me lice.
I don’t understand why it is that we, the audience, can relate to this lady. Her husband seems like a nice fellow, plus he is smart and handsome. Why is she leaving him? Is it because he becomes Doctor Manhattan later? Does he already have a blue penis? Has Billy Cruddup ever had a pleasant on-screen relationship? (Answer: I don’t care to know. I have lice to worry about now.)
Nobody in this film is listens to anyone else. Is this a type of sociopathy? Protip for screenwriters: If you are writing an adaptation from a novel, it is not wise to randomly select lines of dialogue from the book based on which ones contain the most inexplicable metaphors. A string of metaphors does not a conversation make. Shaka, when the walls fell.
That was a fancy continuous shot moving from one conversation to the other, but if you walk past James Franco while you are talking about him, he can hear you. He is not deaf- Or maybe he is, which is perhaps why none of the characters respond to the others? Nobody speaks in dialogue in this film- It’s a series of short monologues… Like the vagina monologues, only more vaginal. In fact, this whole film is like Georgia O’Keefe gave up on “flowers” and started trying to reveal the beauty of the asshole.
“You remember a couple of years ago when you threw yourself into the renovations of your kitchen? You were completely consumed.” Fuck. Right. Off. That is so retarded on so many levels that I don’t know where to start. Was it the kitchen renovations that made Billy Cruddup develop a blue penis?
About 15 minutes into this film, I think I shat a puke. How is that possible? Do women worry that men will consider this film to be a case study in feminine behaviour? Don’t worry, women, we don’t. This film no more explains Womankind than Manswers explains the heart of masculinity.
Julia Roberts is an alcoholic. How is this a spiritual journey? Is her rapidly worsening eating disorder also a spiritual journey? Why does her food squirt a money shot in slow motion? Was there not enough penis in the film? Is it the sexualized food which causes her to become addicted to it? Is this an AXE body spray commercial? If Julia Roberts ate all the food she appears to be eating, she might gain some weight. Wouldn’t that be nice? 15 pounds of plump would be really helpful on her.
Julia Robert’s spends a lot of time in the film trying to figure out what the “words” for people and places are. “What is the word for Rome?” Answer: The word for Rome is BORED. The word for India is also bored. Now Julia Roberts is mopping the floor in India. Do not mop with your hands, Julia. Mop with your spirit. What is this? You received a promotion at the Ashram! Your got a volunteer position promotion. That is interesting, I guess, if you are a 17 year old mormon missionary. You are not. I wonder if you know how a “plot” works. No, no, bear with me, because I don’t think you do. What happens in a plot is that a series of interesting events take us on a narrative journey. The promotion at your volunteer job is not a plot point. It is normal and dull, and does not affect the audience at all. It is a kitchen renovation- The kind where you are not consumed unless you are an asshole, which, on further thinking, you are.
The word for Bali is: “One act romantic comedy that should have taken place entirely here”. Sadly, Javier Bardem doesn’t make Julia Robert’s flip a coin for her life. I would have flipped a coin for my own life by the 2 hour point of this film. I still wake up screaming a week after watching this movie. The dialogue is as motivated as an episode of Family Guy, except without the attempt at humour. If I wanted to get raped, I would have gone traveling by myself.
