CORRECTING: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
The Correctness is a website that’s only about comedy, you think. But, remember, you also thought that Stonewash denim was a good idea, and that Uggs were awesome. You were wrong. The Correctness plays many important roles in your life. One of them is to provide replacements for disappointing films. Today, we tackle the mess that is Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
1) As the point of the exercise is to Correct, any mockery of the source material must be relevant, on point, or incredibly funny.*
*(Or otherwise- RRT)
2) No new characters are allowed, unless justification for their necessity can be made. Existing characters may be removed.*
*(Except for RRT)
3) Any solutions provided, by The Correctness or comment posters, are subject to ridicule and nitpicking.
4) There is no collaboration between The Correctness, nor do we read one another’s entries until after posting our own.
DAVE: Let’s start out by putting a few things on the table. I LOVE Indiana Jones. Always have. I was in grade 3 or 4 when Raiders came out, and I was disappointed when my parents went to see it with friends, and determined I couldn’t go for a few years. (They were right, it’s filled with some pretty frightening images. When I show it to my 6 year old son, I have to be on the ball to skip over the body of Alfred Molina, as well as Mr. Face Melt at the end. Mostly, he just wants to see the boulder scene, after which he demands we play the LEGO Indiana Jones game for the Wii.)
In fact, one of the first articles I wrote for The Correctness was about whether there should be an Indy 5 (which is now in pre-production, apparently we’re heading to the Bermuda Triangle.)
I’m certainly in the minority when I share my feelings about the 2nd and 3rd films. That is to say that Temple of Doom isn’t nearly as awful as most people seem to think, and that on the whole, it’s much stronger than the disappointing Last Crusade. I think the Eastern subject matter, as well as Kate Capeshaw’s screaming is responsible for the criticism of Temple. It does have Indy’s best sidekick by far, and some great action sequences. Last Crusade is simply a gong show, with the introduction of Sean Connery as Indy’s dad giving the film a light hearted direction which doesn’t help anyone. Sallah goes from being a stalwart capable man to a bumbling fool, as does Marcus Brody. The villains are Nazis (AGAIN?), and many of the story beats are retreads of things from the first two films. The best villain in the film is the dude who gives Indy his hat, and that’s over in about 15 minutes.
But I digress. I really, really, really wanted to love Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but as I watched, it became apparent that they were trying to recapture the magic, and failing terribly. Actually, my first thought was “This is like watching my dad go an adventure.” I like my dad a lot, but he’s maybe a bit old for that kind of thing. There were moments of pure Indy, the chase inside the warehouse was great, and the cemetery scene was good as well. But for every one of those, we had a “nuking the fridge”, or “swinging through the jungle”. The other thing that still bugs me is the idea that the guardians of the temple near the end just hang out inside the walls for months on end, waiting, hoping against hope, that someone will come along.
So: How to fix Crystal Skull?
First things first, as much as I hate to admit it, Harrison Ford is too damn old. No one wants to see their grandpa adventuring. So we need to recast him with someone slightly younger. Someone in their 40’s (because we’re doing a movie from the 50’s, as opposed to an earlier Indy story.) Should be someone who can pull off swagger and bravado. We’ll save the actual casting for a “Casting Couch” article. Same goes for Marion. It’s not an ageism thing, but I want Indy to look capable of pulling off the stunts and the physical exertion.Shia LeBoeuf can stay. He was fine. The movie had his character doing some stupid shit, but he himself was not a problem.
The opening can stay intact, except we lose the cutesy gophers. The soldiers arrive at the base, and roll Indy and Mack out of the trunk. They go inside the warehouse and force Indy to find the skeleton. Mac reveals himself to be a traitor, and the scene plays out the same, with Indy escaping on the high speed rail. Only this time, he doesn’t end up in the test site. He watches it unfold from a distance.
Back at the University, Dr Jones’ class is interrupted by a brash young man who enters, leaving an envelope on the desk, while he makes eyes at a few of the girls in the front row. He leaves, and Jones goes to follow him, demanding an answer. However, Jones is met at the door by officials of the US Govt, who want to talk him about the Area 51 event. There is an interrogation, during which Indy’s loyalty is questioned. After much argument, he is released, but followed. He heads back to the university, and opens the letter. Realizing his friend is in danger, he immediately makes plans to head to Peru. At the airport, we see US Agents, as well as Mutt, following Indy. In a brief action sequence, he loses the agents, grabs Mutt, and gets him on the plane as well. During the flight, Mutt explains the background on Oxley.
The Asylum and Cemetery scenes stay intact, except that after they leave Peru, we have a brief scene with the US Agents arriving late to the game, and figuring out where Jones went from the ticket agents. They themselves are being followed by shadowy figures.
Indy and Mutt arrive in Brazil, following clues they have gleaned from Oxley’s letters and the info in both the asylum and the cemetery. They hire equipment, and make their way towards Akator. We have a scene at night by the campfire, in which Indy and Mutt begin to bond, as Mutt tells Indy stories about Oxley, and what it was like growing up in the midst of his genius and madness. Jones tells Mutt that in the morning, they’ll reach the temple. Without warning, the camp is attacked by the Us Agents, in an attempt to capture Jones. Jones and Mutt escape in to the jungle, where they are surprised to find the Russians (who have been following the Americans.) They are brought back to the camp, and Spalko, Mac, and her men attempt to get the location of the temple from Indy. He refuses. They threaten to shoot him. He refuses. They bring out Mutt, and threaten to shoot him. Mutt tells Indy not to tell them. They then bring out Marion Ravenwood, to Indy’s shock. They hold a gun to her head, and ask for the location again. Indy is about to tell them, when Mutt grabs a branch from the fire, and attack the guard holding Marion. A fistfight ensues, joined by the American agents. During the struggle, Indy grabs Marion and Mutt, and they escape.
As they trek through the jungle, we have a scene where Indy discovers that Mutt is his son. The morning arrives, and the adventurers stumble out of the jungle to the top of the Akator structure. As in the film, it’s determined that removing the sand opens the temple. They head in to the temple, and discover a room filled with treasures. They enter the “final chamber”, and see Oxley, sitting in the centre of the room, babbling incoherently. He’s trying to return the skull, but can’t sort out the proper method of approaching the throne. Each time he does, he is knocked back. Indy reads the markings on the wall, and realizes that Oxley can’t return the skull because he’s been using the wrong approach, and that the skull belongs to young child alien. Indy explains the correct way to approach. At this point, Spalko and the soldiers arrive. Spalko takes the skull, and uses the correct path. But she is greedy and angry and impure, and the throne rejects her, destroying her with mystical energy. The same fate awaits the soldiers. The room is sealed, and threatens to tear itself apart. Indy grabs the skull, and starts down the path. Marion realizes the problem, and grabs the skull from Indy, walking down the path. She opens her mind, and the throne realizes that Marion is also a mother, and that she has no ill intent. It accepts the skull, returning it the child skeleton. The door opens, and Marion tells them they need to leave. They head out, as the temple begins to shift. As they exit, they see the ship bury itself further in the earth, the ground above it becoming hills and thick jungle.
Indy is pleased that the Russians didn’t get the ship, but has nothing to show for his adventure. Mutt pulls out a piece of parchment he grabbed on the way out. Indy realizes it’s a map showing the location of an island that could very well be Atlantis.
End with wedding scene as in film.
Damn, that was long. Sorry.
Rob:
I swear to you, I have not seen Crystal Skull, and consequently, I am in the perfect position to fix it.
( I was not allowed outside during those years: see: all previous references to my ex.)
Fist of all (And I mean “fist”, and not “first”, because that is how I feel about seeing this film), Indiana Jones is very clearly a Hanna Barbera cartoon. Indy obviously requires the assistance of a Scrappy Doo, a Bam Bam, one or both Wonder Twins, an Orbity, or any other foolishly conceived youthful sidekick. Shia LaBeouf, who is a digitally created character, is nearly the perfect choice for this whimsical animated children’s series. Many have compared LaBeouf to Jimmy Stewart, who is said to have that same “everyman quality”. Indeed, LaBeouf has that everyman quality precisely because he was composited from every single man on earth. The resulting digital map was used to create the most average actor of all time. LaBeouf would have kid appeal in a Hanna-Barbera cartoon, but I have a better idea.
How about this:
Indy goes on an archeological adventure in the jungle. Upon rescuing an implausibly young, widowed mother of three from a giant spider, or a giant ape, or a tribe of giant ape-spiders, Indy feels compelled to marry this sad but beautiful (also, young) woman, and help raise her family. Also, this woman has a giant rack- like a gonzo Reno stripper rack, like, it’s kind of gross to look at but you have to keep watching it, because it’s like a freakshow. And the eldest daughter, at 17, also has an implausible rack. Might as well slap some enormous tits on the young boys too.
On a nonstop musical road trip in their converted bus, “Papa Jones and His Singing Indies” dance, play and jiggle their way into the hearts of the world, until one fateful day, while touring in Antarctica, they are sucked down into a Lost World.
In a strange prehistoric land, The Singing Indies stumble across a wounded triceratops who happens to speak English. Not only does this gruff dinosaur named “Trike” speak English, but he also plays the most rock-steady drums this side of the stone age. Also, his rack, while scaly, is pretty big too.
Winning over the hearts and minds of an entire prehistoric world with their family oriented Christian rock, Papa Indy establishes a school for dinosaurs, and his hot wife and daughter bathe a lot. They all go on many adventures, and Trike eventually gets a spin off series in which he becomes an AM DJ on the Above-World, and adopts a family of Catholic College girls with extraordinary racks. Trike gives them fatherly advice, and they all take their tops off a lot.
How am I doing so far. Better than Crystal Skull? Is my satirical intent clear? I will finally watch Indy 4 when they digitally remove Shia LaBeouf from every last frame.
TONY
First of all, I would like to say that Crystal Skull is not as bad as people seem to think it is.
It has deeply, deeply flawed moments to be sure, but nothing that can’t be fixed. It’s not a disaster of Episode One like proportions
Secondly, (Admin Rock I’m looking at you. ) to replace Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones is insane. You know why I didn’t watch Young Indiana Jones Chronicles? Because it didn’t have Harrison Ford in it, it wasn’t Indiana Jones.
Either deal with an older Indy…or do without.
HERE’S WHAT HAS TO GO
1. Nuke The Fridge: Now let’s be fair, straining credulity is not new to the franchise. Technically we should be no more uncomfortable with this than we were with getting your heart ripped out and still living, flying from track to track in a mine car, jumping out of an airplane in a life raft, then swooshing down a mountain side, over a waterfall and then to safety. It’s all total bullshit.
However, for some reason this seems to cross a line. I think it’s the enormity of a nuclear explosion that finally triggers our “OH COME ON!!!” response. Or maybe it’s just the fact that we aren’t watching these as kids anymore. Either way, I think the fight scene and the rocket escape were good enough…in the grand scheme of things the nuclear blast didn’t really serve any function anyway, apart from trying to raise the stakes again. Although I think they should totally nuke Buster in a lead lined fridge on Mythbusters
2. Monkeys. : Raiders Monkey= Awesome, Crystal Skull Monkeys =embarrassing. That HAS to be a George thing, it has to.
“The Monkeys look like greasers, so they decide en masse to help Mutt. Because of his hair.”
“But George, I think…”
“GREASER MONKEYS!!!!”
“Okay, okay, settle down…”
3.Sword fight : The kid having an interest in fencing to justify the swordfight is lame. They can find a different way to fight that would be just as exciting without having to resort to an actual, barely justifiable swordfight.
3. “I’m a double agent, no I’m not, yes I am, wait no I’m your pal” 1980 Indy would have shot him after the first turn, I’m not sure why 2007 Indy didn’t
4. “Here, grab this snake, I’ll haul you out” Ugggh…just ughhhh.
But having said that, the Warehouse sequence is great, the fight scene in the ravenous ants was inspired, the scenes in the graveyard with the blowdarts was classic Indy. I even liked the motorcycle chase. I liked the idea that Indy was O.S.S, I liked the fact that Marion was back. I didn’t HATE Shia LaBouef.
And I did not have the slightest problem with the inter-dimensional beings macguffin it is NO WORSE than having a centuries old knight that’s still alive, or Deus Ex Ark that wipes out your bad guy problem for you..
So my solution to make it better would be to lose what I listed above, maybe write one more really good action piece in its place, give Marion a little more to do, maybe bring in Kasdan to do punch up on the dialogue and bingo. I think you’ve got a good little Indy movie.
Having said all that…don’t make another one.
