CORRECTING: How to fix The Phantom Menace

Posted By The Correctness on Feb 8, 2010 |

(Note: This is a repost of the original.)

With this article, we embark on a bold new task: Correct that which needs Correcting. To that end, we focus today on the most reviled of the Star Wars films: Episode I, The Phantom Menace.
This task is not an easy one, for there is much that needs fixing.

4) There is no collaboration between The Correctness, nor do we read one another’s entries until after posting our own.

TBinns

How to fix Episode one.

A subject I have devoted WAAAAAYYYY too much thought to.

Well, my goodness, where to begin? I think I’ll have to do this with bullet points, There’s much work to be done, and I cannot waste time on flowery prose.

In no particular order…

1. Assume the Audience can Read: Ben Burtt is great at creating alien languages, so why have those TERRIBLE ACCENTS on the trade Federation guys? Greedo had subtitles, Jabba had subtitles, nobody complained. Or, what the hell, they have a protocol droid hanging around…have HIM translate if you think the kids in the audience will miss out on something. At the absolute worst, take a few seconds and show them use a translation device…ANYTHING to get rid of “Awwwhatis.. Goingon downdere?”

2. Conflict : If the Ultimate plan is invasion anyway… don’t piss around with Trade blockades. Why not start with a small party of Jedi sent to put an end to an ALREADY EXISTING WAR (the name of the series is not Star Blockades, people) and are ambushed and marooned. Or perhaps a whole battalion of Jedi move in for a UN Peacekeeping type mission and are betrayed and ambushed, leaving only Qui Gon and Obi Wan alive. Then, they have taken a severe loss, and Palpatine’s ultimate goal REALLY gets going. Gets to the point quicker without all the yakkidy yak yak

3. Jar Jar: I believe he can be fixed believe it or not. Take away the voice, and the slapstick element. Maybe make him a criminal, banished for thievery or some such thing. A thief, a pickpocket a scoundrel n’er do well, who..and I cannot stress this enough…does not speak english. At all. You can still save him from the invasion, he can still get them into Gunga city, perhaps even through underhanded means. He can still be humorously cowardly, just in a slightly more subtle way. But that said he should know how to a) steal shit, b) fly and or pilot vehicles and c) find new and creative ways to get himself out of the shit. There’s still plenty of opportunity for him to cause the trouble he does, without the subsequent eye rolling “Oopsie mooie mooie” crap.

4. Amidala: The idea of an elected queen is just retarded. The whole switcharoo with her bodyguard? Equally retarded. Get rid of the title, you only put it in there to make the whole Princess Leia thing make sense anyway. There’s nothing wrong with making her a tough, no nonsense senator from a noble house. Drop the whole queen angle, the Kabuki outfits, the weird voice, the weird accent. I believe Leia’s mother would be a plain dealer with a soft heart, and a weakness for dashing rogues. Mostly because her daughter is much the same.. Natalie Portman CAN act. Give her someone she can sink her teeth into.

5. Anakin: Picture this…after getting through the Trade Federations vast blockade of ships, our heroes are tracked to Tattooine. The Federation Battle Cruiser pops out of hyperspace mere minutes after they do. Swarms of droid ships come out to finish them off, their doom is nigh. Or so it would seem, until an unmarked ship swoops in and starts taking out droids left and right. The pilot? 18 year old Anakin Skywalker (“When I met your father, he was already a great pilot”) who was trying to escape his bonds of slavery, but could not stand idly by while someone is in trouble. After a thrilling battle scene, our heroes escape, but the authorities lock a tractor beam on Anakin and he is recaptured. Wishing to not only get the part he needs, but to somehow repay Anakin for his help, our heroes head down to the planet to track down his owner who has, as a last resort, installed the anti escape implantations in Anakin and his mother.

This helps in a number of ways. It parallels Luke’s development by picking up the story at approximately the same age, it makes the romance angle more believable, the pod race more believable, and it really does make him too old to begin the training. Plus, when he takes out the trade federation ship at the end, it’s more than just a blindly heroic accident.

6. The droids: A cameo would have sufficed. A cameo somewhere far away from Tatooine. Darth Vader creating (and defacto owning in Artoo’s case) the droids he was looking for in a New Hope is just too much of a coincidence for me. Although , I enjoyed watching them meet for the first time. Ditto Anakin and Obi Wan

7. Midichlorians: No No no no no. Wanna show how strong he is with the Force? I’m prepared to take a simple “The Force is incredibly strong with our young friend here” and a reply from Obi Wan“I have felt it too Master, but I also felt…something else.” There. Done. It’s that simple. Wanna show it in action? Maybe when he’s fixing something he absent mindedly reaches for a tool that flies into his grasp. Maybe in a barfight scene he instinctively force pushes someone. Ability to tap into the force may well be genetic, but it shouldn’t be due to parasites. You can’t cure the force with Penicillin, people.

8. Pod Race. Keep the Race, lose the announcer.

9. Darth Maul. More Please. And he lives at the end. He shouldn’t die until episode three where Anakin kills him and takes his place.

10. Make battle droids look a little meaner. Even if Stormtroopers couldn’t hit shit, at least they LOOKED bad ass.

11. Give Obi Wan More to do. I actually wouldn’t have minded a bit of sexual tension between him and Padme actually. Nothing serious, but enough to plant a few sees of hostility in Anakin… and speaking of Anakin….lets revisit him again, since he is so crucial to the whole affair….

12. The Missing Solo: The Rogue factor was definitely missing here. If Anakin had a bit more swash to his buckle, if he wasn’t so serious all the time, if he had even an ounce of charm, we could believe that Padme would fall for him. We could also believe that his rash, impulsive nature is part of what lead to his downfall, as well as his passion for Padme, and most of all we would actually dread seeing him fall. Remember when Han Solo got frozen in the carbonite? Remember how you felt about it? We should feel that times 10 when that helmet gets locked into place the first time. Instead, we are practically BEGGING for it to happen. If it’s supposed to be a tragic story, make me care about the tragic victims.

13. Make the universe look a little more lived in: That was part of the appeal of the original design. Save the slickness for Star Trek, this is a rough and tumble , usable Universe.

14. Yoda. Just use the old Puppet…for the LOVE OF GOD

15. A room full of script doctors. Get them in there to polish the dialogue, hire real comedians to write the comedy bits. Have them sit through a reading, and every time there’s a wince, there’s a rewrite. George needed to separate himself from the scripting process enough to be open to other viewpoints. Clearly he was incapable of doing that..

I’m sure there’s more but these are the ones that pop to mind right away. I suppose if you had to sum it up, it would be “Make it more like Star Wars” which is a typical old fart response. I don’t need all the same things, unless by that you mean Characters I care about, great action, a decent plot and fun dialogue.

admin_rock

The biggest problems in The Phantom Menace for me are

1) The Trade Federation nonsense/Political scheming
2) Too much focus on Amidala and Naboo.

The movie is supposed to be the first chapter in a giant epic story of “The Rise and Fall of Anakin Skywalker”. At least, that what George Lucas keeps telling us. That’s fine, we can dig that. We clearly can’t set the prequels too close to IV-VI, that creates casting issues (speaking of which, it’s high time we did a Princess Leia Casting Couch).

A lot of detractors put the hate on Jake Lloyd, but as a child, he does a fine job of playing a child. It’s more the dialogue that makes him come off as grating.

So, Episode I – Rise of the Sith

We keep young Anakin Skywalker, and we add the twist that his father was actually Darth Sidious/Palpatine, who creates Anakin using the power of the Dark Side, and Shmi as the vessel. This gives us another Father/Son situation to counterpoint the “I am your Father” and final resolution in Jedi. Likely, we as the audience know this, but none of the characters do. Palpatine’s keen interest in Anakin comes deeper. Anakin still grows up on Tatooine, though Palpatine keeps tabs on him from a distance.

The leader of the Senate is one Count Dooku, who, with the help of the mysterious Darth Sidious, is strengthening his power base, and building an Army of clones on a distant planet. He has the backing of the Trade Federation, without whom there is no way to transport supplies from planet to planet en masse.

We meet Senator Bail Organa, who is concerned with the government’s power becoming more and more centralized. He goes to visit the Jedi Council, to share his concerns with them. They are also concerned, but unwilling to get involved. Qui Gon Jinn and his assistant Obi Wan Kenobi meet with Organa in secret, and promise to investigate.

Qui Gon heads off to investigate Dooku, while Obi Wan is sent to Tatooine, where Dooku seems to be spending a lot of time. Qui Gon discovers the existence of the Clone factory on Kamino, and Obi Wan discovers Anakin Skywalker, a boy who is so strong in the force that Obi Wan is drawn to him, almost like a magnet. Dooku discovers the the Jedi are sniffing around, and tells his men to take the boy. They do so, and Obi wan saves him, in a brilliant high speed skiff/ podracer chase.

Qui Gon contacts the Jedi council to warn them of the clone army. They attempt to spring into action, but Dooku tells them to stand down. They refuse, telling him they will tell everyone what he is doing. He responds by having the clones attack the planet of Naboo, obliterating all the major cities, and wiping out a race of unfortunate water dwelling Gungans. Dooku convinces the senate that the attack was made by a new Rebellion, led by the Jedi, set on seizing the government. The Jedi are hunted, and they flee to Dagobah, making contact with Bail Organa, who has the support of a small number of worlds, and they form the rebellion.

Obi Wan and Anakin meet up with the Jedi, and they are all stunned by the power the boy possesses. They are concerned about training him, as he is a living weapon, and could be very dangerous in the wrong hands. Senator Palpatine reaches out to the Jedi, telling him he is siding with them, and will act as an informant for them. Anakin meets a young Padme, who is with her mother, among the Rebellion refugees of Naboo.

The movie concludes with a Jedi attack on Kamino, with an attempt to take out the clone factory. Qui Gonn heads to the control room to download the database info, hoping to learn more about the army and its leaders. He is confronted by a young Sith Knight, Darth Maul. There is a massive struggle, ending with Qui Gonn being struck down by Maul, right as Obi Wan arrives. Obi Wan and 2 other Jedi are able to fight off Maul, who escapes after destroying the database.

The Jedi hold a funeral for Qui Gon back on Dagobah. They discuss this new turn of events, that the Sith have reformed, and that they must be stopped.

ROBBIEROBTOWN

Lies weeping in the corner, reminded of the awfulness that was TPM. Perhaps he will regroup and weigh in. Who can say?

So there you have it. The Corrected version of The Phantom Menace. Agree? Disagree? Want to call us names? Suggest other fixes? Sell pills online? Do so below!