Chief Defender of the Faith
Planet of the Apes Film Fests
Full disclosure: I love talking ape movies. I absolutely love them. The only reason I’m unsure on the up-coming Planet of the Apes prequel/reboot/reimagining/possible bastardization is that the apes don’t talk. I had even begun the research to study the Planet of the Apes films as my PhD thesis when I abandoned academia. I adore these films.
Last year when a friend of mine invited me over to watch a film on his mondo-fantabulous home entertainment setup, he told me to pickup a blu-ray of whatever I wanted for my first HD giant screen experience and I chose the 1968 Planet of the Apes with Chuck Heston. I didn’t have to buy it though, I had purchased the Apes original series blu-ray boxed set months before owning a player.
Battle for the Planet of the Apes (the last of the original films) is the second most-purchased film in my collection having had it on vhs, 2 versions on dvd and then blu-ray (the first is Die Hard which I had to replace on vhs). And it’s my least favorite!
I thought about doing “A Case for…” but then I thought “screw that! This is Planet of the freakin’ Apes and you like it or I don’t even want know you!” Instead I put together a series of viewing parties that present the films and related content as a variety of experiences.
All told there were 5 original films (POTA, Beneath the POTA, Escape From the POTA, Conquest of the POTA and Battle for the POTA), a half-season TV series, a half-season animated series, the Tim Burton Remake and the up-coming Prequel. Option 1 is spoiler-free, the rest are not.
1) The Classic: 1,2,3,4,5
As originally released, this is the most popular viewing order. You get the two highest-budget films and both Heston appearances at the top. This is the order that is for the newbie and I warn you that you will lose attention as it gets to the last film.
My personal fav of the series is 4 and I find it difficult to keep going into that last one. The budget on 5 was not much more than that of a TV movie and it shows. Watching on blu-ray and a big screen you will start having the uninitiated questioning the make-up effects by 2. To cut costs, background apes were given pull-over masks instead of make-up but the wonders of 1080 make these cut corners obvious.
2) The Chronological: 3,4,5,1,2 or 3,4,1,2
The order for those who have already seen the series and want a different experience. This version puts the films in chronological order from the perspective of the apes. 3 opens with the three apes crash-landing on earth in the 1970s and telling our world a wild tale about war, a rebellious ape, and the final fate of some missing astronauts.
We watch as the apes take over our world and the human race becomes a slave species. We jump ahead 2,000 years to see the ultimate destiny of our world. Not nearly as hopeful a tale, it is my preferred viewing order.
The screenwriter of 4 was told it would be the final in the series so he created a story that would close it up as a loop. It works well to watch them that way and makes more narrative sense.
- Did I mention Richardo Montalban is in two of the films? It has nothing to do with the fests, it’s just awesome.
3) The I-Need-More-Apes-But-Not-Closure: TV, animated
You’ve been through the series but still want more talking apes? Well there are the live-action and animated TV series. Both lasted less than half a season though and neither has an ending.
The live-action has it’s moments, and there is an episode with Marc “Beastmaster” Singer. The animated series features characters from 1 and 2 but doesn’t quite fit into the timeline set out in those films.
4) The Tim-Burton-is-All-Style-and-No-Substance: Remake and hopefully not Prequel
Tim Burton’s 2001 remake of POTA is a testament to how he just puts stuff together that looks impressive and doesn’t pay much attention to coherency, plot, characters, etc. It was an early sign of what post-Alice In Wonderland many more people have accepted – he’s a bit shite.
That said, it sure does look pretty. I got the blu-ray for $10 which I thought was fair for the best-looking talking apes so far. The ending will likely confuse and you will be left wondering what it meant. Well look no further than the commentary track by Burton who tells you with all pride that it means … absolutely nothing. He just thought it was an interesting visual and had no concern for the complete failure of the film to close on any sensible note.
5) Theoretical Trilogy: Prequel,1,2,3
If the prequel plays out like I think it might, it will make a new viewing order that is closer to the history told in 3 by Cornelius. I have heard rumour that the prequel will include the infamous first “no” which would drop it into the series fairly well (though I’m assuming that the prequel won’t reference the time-travelling apes of 3).
6) The Long-Staycation: The whole thing. 3,4,5,TV,1,2,Animated,Remake,Prequel,that episode of The Simpsons where Troy McClure is in POTA:The Musical, the fan-edit of POTA that makes it a Twilight Zone episode, and the grown-ups-only XXX parody Playmate of the Apes
As I said, the live-action and animated don’t fit easily into the series, but the original films had quite a few contradictions too so it can be forgiven. The biggest negative is that you get the best stuff early.
There is some very cool apes side content. The Simpsons bit was great (and I just found out there are magnets of those characters which is on my ebay wishlist now). POTA was written by Rod Serling and a clever fan made a terrific fanedit of the film that cuts it to 20-odd minute Twilight Zone episode, black-and-white including opening narration and credits.
And not for all ages is the 2002 porn parody Playmate of the Apes. It was shot mostly outside and the apes live in what looks like a 1970s basement rec room. No talking apes are involved in the *ahem* action. It isn’t art, but it makes more narrative sense than the Burton film so it gets its place.
With the prequel still to come, these may have to be revised. The trailer looks good and I am a Franco fan so fingers crossed.
Get your stinkin’ paws on some damned ape movies.
Keith works in marketing, which isn’t nearly as evil as you think it is, and is wicked smart. Follow him on Twitter as CubReporterK.
He didn’t do any we-don’t-call-it-TBinnsing-anymore photos in this piece because the hottest woman in the whole series is Helena Bonham-Carter who looks like this:
I guess there’s Estella Warren in the remake, if she’s your type of girl.
And the first two films have Linda “You have one line in two films, let’s see if you can get it right this time” Harrison.
