Victoria’s Trip to Rapture
(Note: This is a repost of the original).
Would you kindly read this column by Correctness Guest Correspondent Victoria Banner
So I am playing tons of Bioshock as of lately, not Bioshock 2 but Bioshock the original Game of the Year for the year of 2008. I am playing Bioshock because I am that special kind of magical broke you get when you are a student AND you work at Jubilations once a week for peanuts….yep that special magical type of broke. I am also playing Bioshock because I never beat it when I first rented it, *GASP* say you? I know crazy shit….but Bioshock scares the ever loving crap out of me. I know it is hard to picture me having the ever loving crap scared out of me because I have Zombie dumpster baby as a legit thing on my resume and I personally feel that Paranormal Activity is on the same level as the Godfather. But just cause I like scary stuff doesn’t mean scary things don’t scare the crap out of me. (Oh also I am in that one people watching hallway there @ the lovely university of Calgary and today’s Please don’t kill me of the day is the guy behind me who has been listening to the song “Bitter Sweet Symphony” over and over on his iPhone speaker really loudly he is just staring straight forward and hugging his knees, he has been doing this for the past 52 minutes, that actually also scares the crap Out of me). But yeah Bioshock scares the crap out of me mostly because its is a first person shooter that is too god damn first person! I can’t see my Characters back…I know in real life I can’t see my back but that doesn’t count because in real life you don’t have Big Daddies throwing grenades at the back of your head. Also I don’t like it because you are incharge of making choices as if you were actually in Rapture, but I feel I am making choices for Jack, Atlas and the guys down at 2K games. Very few thing I have done in that game are things that I would actually do if I found myself stuck in the crumbling ruins of an Ayn Rand-esque utopia. So without further a-do (cause this whole paragraph I typed is a giant shitload of a-do) I present to you:
Victoria’s Trip to Rapture:
Victoria: Dobie doobie do I am on a sixties airplane, eatin’ free peanuts and sitting on a plane, sure hope we don’t crash! Doop doop do!
Captain: This is your pilot Speaking, we are on route so some place across the Atlantic ocean, I hope you enjoyed you free peanuts, our current cruising altitude is CRASHING THE FUCK IN TO A FIREY ABYSS OF DEATH AND YOUR FUCKED! Please return your tray in to an up right position.
*Plane Crashes in to a horrible fiery abyss*
Victoria: Good thing I passed level three of bubbledunkers, there is alot of fire in this water and its weird because the flames always sprout up when ever I try to swim away from that ominous looking structure. Better swim toward the ominous looking structure.
Hmmm Rapture? I am immediately suspicious on this place because I once got sick from a wrap I got at a place called wrapture, true story. I am Just going to hang out on the stairs here…the ocean is pretty fucking on fire over here so I assume a boat will probably come check this shit out. Am I the only one who survived this? Awesome, good thing I let that bitch take the window seat.
Victoria: Okay I have been sitting here for about 30 hours, the ocean is still very on fire which I am immediately more suspicious of, that I was 30 hours ago…no boats have passed and no other planes have crashed…getting kinda thirsty I guess I will go in the big creepy building.
*opens the big creepy doors*
Victoria: Oh look at this room, this it nice…not as bad as I thought, look at that big gold statue , that Ryan guy kinda looks like Walt Disney…I am so hoping this rapture place is a new secret Disney land. Are they playing Annette Hanshaw over the radio? I love this song! OOooOOo whats this a Bathysphere? Nice I could use a nice bath, I wonder if there’s like a vending machine over by the statue?
*Goes in to bathysphere*
Victoria: LIES! This is on no way shape or form a bath…this is like submarine elevator, which is the two worst places to be stuck with a fat guy, so I guess I am luck in the fact I am not stuck in here with a fat guy. HOLY FUCK! IS THAT A WHALE?!?! SWIMMING BESIDE A SKY SCRAPER? What prevents the whales from smashing all these glass tubes that is not good infrastructure on a city. But then again how many people have functioning degrees in engineering and marine biology? Ho-well, I like the musi-*ZAP* FUCK! Elevator is sparking, in water….so not safe, not a fan roving black outs here. Rapture needs to pay more electricity bills.
*bathysphere docks*
Victoria: I can’t see anything. At All. Wish someone would turn on a light.
*Lights flash on a splicer ripping apart corpse, it is singing to itself*
Victoria:OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT LIGHTS OFF LIGHTS THE FUCK OFF!!!
Atlas: Hoi! I am going to do my god damn best to get you out alive, I am your only chance if you want to survive this hell hole known as rapture.
Victoria: OH good, I am just going to wait in here while you come get me, we cool?
Atlas: No I am not going to help you get out of here in the sense I am helping you get out here, I am helping you get out here in the sense I am going to say annoying shit with an accent through this radio.
Victoria: Fuck you, you better be hot.
Atlas: there you go I got the door off the bathysphere, go get a wrench.
Victoria: Why are you doing that no bad idea, leave the door on please…..fuuuuuuuuuuuck. Welp I got a wrench now I can bash creepy people who are here to do creepy things. EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW Grossss this place is covered in god damn syringes, this is worse than bad parts of Vancouver. Yuckkkkk.
Atlas: Oyi! You found a syringe of Adam Mate, jab that in your arm and you will have lightning hand powers. You can use that to fight splicers.
Victoria: No fucking way you disembodied voice bastard. I am not putting heroin in my arm not matter how much I can “hold the lightning”…wtf is Lightning hands anyway? The name of some whitesnake album you were listening to on your last bastard herion bender? Fuck you I haven’t even used a syringe in my life.
*Victoria gets whacked upside the head by a thuggish splicer, she falls and accidentally jabs herself with the yucky Adam Syringe*
Victoria: EWWWWWWWW!!!! Grossssssss! Ewwwwww! FUCK I have lightning hands, definitely on a heroin trip, only explanation
.
*zaps splicer*
Atlas: Good Job! You have lightning hands now! Go zap the door so it will get power and you can carry on.
Victoria: Nah actually I am going to zap the Bathy Sphere and wait up by the statue of Walt Disney.
*After Desperately Zapping the Bathysphere for about an hour Victoria gives up*
Victoria: Fuuuuuuuck I gotta go through the door don’t I?
Atlas(smug): Yup.
Victoria: Godammit. Why are there so many zombies in this stupid city…
Atlas: Those are splicers.
Victoria: Splicer- That sounds like a slap-chop add on. Also why are all of them doctors? Does the Rapture Med school have like super low admission standards? Like seriously there is doctors and women here and they are all trying to kill me? All all these women the doctors wives? Cause thats why Rapture collapsed…if every woman was married to a doctor, she wouldn’t be allowed a smug superiority complex that is needed by doctor wives, she would be miserable and start to deteriorate and she would nag her husband and than he would start to go crazy. That’s how this goddamn place collapsed: smug bitches. Also if everyone was a doctor who the hell did they treat? I guess all the people designing these posters everywhere…yep there’s a short cycle Doctors make products for advertisers, advertisers advertise products for doctors. Well that is lame, lame la-AHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!!!!!
Little Sister: Right this way Mr.Bubbles
Victoria: Ahhhhh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
Big Daddy: BLERGHHH!!
Atlas: Oi! Thats a Little sister and that big guy following her around is a Big Daddy. Hes like her body guard. Quick Kill that big guy and than you can harvest the Adam from the little sisters.
Victoria: You are telling me to kill that huge guy, so that I can commit homicide to a fucking cute kid so that I can get more dirty heroin needles to jab in to my goddamn arm. You my friend are a fucking junkie. You know what….having a giant ass guy throwing granades as my bodyguard is not a bad plan…that chick has got this place figured out.
Atlas: What do you mean? I need you to save my family who is in the explosive submarine and then save me and then save rapture than make a plant compound and then kill several key figures before finally killing Ryan!!
Victoria: You are crazy…I am not doing your chore list for you, you bastard. Nope I think I am going to go crawl in to those pipes and become a little sister.
Atlas: You can’t do that! You need to save rapture!!!
Victoria: Fuck it.
*Crawls in to little sister pipe*
(Victoria is a student living in Calgary. We still owe her dinner.)
