Two Open Letters of Complaint
1:
Dear Kellogg’s:
You are no doubt aware that you are the manufacturer of Frosted Flakes. If you are not aware of this fact, you should be. I am going to presume you are, indeed, aware. Of this fact. You guys make Frosted Flakes. Your “Frosted Flakes”, which are puffed corn of some variety or another, have the unlikely mascot of an anthropomorphic tiger, who wears a scarf for some reason. This he does, and I can only surmise, because Tony is a gang member, or possibly a barnstormer.
My primary concern, however, is not with the impractical attire of your talking tiger, but rather with his signature catchphrase (or that of the chorus of jingle singers who back him up, presumably because Tony threatened the lives of their families , or again, possibly, because Tony flew them high over the top of their Nebraska farms for $5 a ride) “The taste of Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes brings out the tiger in you!”
Imagine my surprise when your frosted flakes had not, in fact, brought out the “tiger” in me, but rather brought out what my GP referred to as “The worst case of herpes I have ever seen”.
I would like a refund for the $7.88 I paid for a 61 ounce box. I would also like you to explain to me why it is possible to buy Frosted Flakes on Amazon, which, is patently ridiculous.
http://www.amazon.com/Frosted-Flakes-Cereal-61-9-Ounce-Box/dp/B00032C8T6
Sincerely,
RobbieRobTown
2:
Attn: Local Police Department, Traffic Enforcement Division.
Recently I received a photo radar speeding ticket, which I will not be contesting, despite the fact that you can clearly see my break lights on in the image. I was going too fast. 11km per hour too fast, which is roughly 5 miles per hour. I am sorry.
I am contacting you on behalf of The Environment.
The Environment wanted you to know that you can stop wasting virginal, first-growth forests to publish your bleached white, glossy paper pamphlet entitled “Do your part to drive safely!”
No one, not one person on God’s green earth, now or in any possible quantum future timeline, has or ever will have read that pamphlet.
Some things, like most rational humans, I react to with anger. If instead of a ticket, you had faxed me a photocopy of your middle finger, I would have nodded my head and said “Yes, even though I was obviously correcting my speed, I was still speeding, and I deserve this middle finger coming through my Brother (TM) FaxBuddy 9000”. What I object to, If I may extend the metaphor, is that you then sent me, accompanying the middle finger, a photocopy of your sweaty balls.
How could you have imagined I would react positively to this missive? Did a committee at City Hall form a task force with the Local Police to generate this idea? At this meeting, did someone say the following?:
“Hey, When these guys get their speeding ticket, they are going to be in a receptive mood for some traffic safety tips. Let’s hire a writer, and publish a pamphlet at taxpayer expense.”
No one said exactly that? Strange, because the impression you gave me is that someone did.
Do your part to help the environment, and don’t sackfax me.
Sincerely,
RobbieRobTown
