Things that won’t help with the H1N1 Virus
The Correctness has seen a lot of stupid things in its day, but few more stupid than the recent spate of “alternative remedies” which purport to make you immune to H1N1. Things like “wash your hands”,”gargle with salt water”, and “drink oil of oregano”. Washing your wands is a great practice, and gargling with salt water makes your throat feel nice, they won’t increase your body’s immunity to an airborne virus. Many people are claiming that the H1N1 vaccine is “untested and rushed”. We’re assuming that these same people can point us to the Lanset Journal article on the double-blind study on the efficacy of Oil of Oregano…. We’re still waiting…
In light of this, here are some other things that won’t raise your immunity level.
Eating Tacos at Lunch – Tacos are delicious, and we love them. They combine many of the good things in life. One time, when we were leaving Monterey, we stopped for a burrito, and it was awesome. But it didn’t make us immune to the flu.
Midichlorians– In fact, we wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t cause H1N1 with their crappy expository existence. Seriously, Lucas, WTF?
Saying Please and Thank You– Again, we fully endorse this behaviour, and being Canadian, we pretty much can’t help it. But our studies haven’t conclusively proved this helps with flu.
Crossing Your Fingers – This one is just bad form. Usually, it’s a sign that you’re attempting to deceive someone, or renege on a deal. Flu can see right through that shit.
Not Feeding it After Midnight– Wait, no, that’s for Gremlins. That one you should listen to, just not for H1N1. Damn, you really thought that?
Using Q-Ray Bracelet– This will be as effective as the Slap Chop, which is to say, not at all. Or maybe that’s just what the military industrial complex WANTS you to believe.
Not Drinking Water with a Meal– The idea of this stopping the flu is much like the idea that you can’t get Syphilis from a hooker as long as you pay her. It’s simply not true.
Introducing Small Pox to the Flu – What? Are you people serious? That not how it works, but, forget it. Look, this is difficult at best, because as we all know, Smallpox was eradicated through the practice of pouring Hydrogen Peroxide in your ears. Oh wait, no, it was through a VACCINE.
At any rate, we wish you well this flu season, and remember, wash your hands, look both ways before crossing the street, and above all else, remember to hang an onion above your door.
