The Ungiving Tree: An Inspirational Tale of Unconditional Love
The Ungiving Tree
Once there was a tree and she knew a little boy.
She was okay with him-
Like, just okay. She tolerated him.
That’s it.
Every day, the boy would come into the forest,
and snap off her low branches,
and shit at her base when no one was looking.
He would climb up her,
and hammer in planks for a tree fort,
and when he was really chock full of bran,
he would take a second huge steamer at her base.
The tree was all like:
“I guess that’s fertilizer…
Look on the bright side, tree,
keep a positive attitude,
remember your affirmations,
Don’t forget what your sponsor said…”
And the boy didn’t so much love the tree as the convenience of the location,
but he still visited every day.
But time went by,
and the boy grew older,
and the tree was often alone.
FYI, The tree was all good with that,
because, hey, less poop.
Then one day the boy came to the tree,
and the tree said
“Oh, hey there, Slugger.
So, you’ haven’t pooped ‘round here in a while.
Been busy with school, or whatever?”
And the boy replied:
“HOLY SHITSNACKS A TALKING TREE!”
And he passed out, cold.
When the boy awoke, he came quickly to his senses.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been visiting tree.
You see, I am very sad, for I have no money.”
The boy reached for his wallet,
but couldn’t find it.
“And now I have lost my wallet”, he concluded, sadly.
“Yeah!” said the tree.
“Yeah, who could have taken that?”,
she continued, surreptitiously covering her back pocket with a branch.
“And don’t be surprised of you give ass-birth to a sapling in 9 months.
This is for my tree sisters!” She shouted,
and she zoomed into the sky,
using her rocket tree powers,
that all trees have,
If you would only stop to listen.
Epilogue:
On a windy day,
You can sometimes hear the rocket trees,
laughing and launching,
headed for planets that suck less than ours.
On planet tree,
they have an all night Entmoot,
and a glass bar where you can snort pure nitrogen.
Second Epilogue:
It came to pass one spring day
that the boy did gave ass-birth to that tree after all.
The scientists called it a miracle,
but the boy was not impressed.
Not at all.
