The Correctness Guide to Seducing a Nerd
Even though many of your people have never yet been enticed by the subtle delicacy that is Nerd Love, in time, you will find yourself inexplicably tempted. You will find yourself drawn to nerds like a moth to a plasma stream, or , possibly, a flame. We will draw you in with our intense passion for very specific things, we will draw you in with our charming inability to admit to being wrong about said things, we will draw you in with our extensive collections of things- Come to think of it, I’m not sure what our exact appeal is, but every year more and more non nerdy people find themselves suddenly and inextricably attracted to nerds, and you will need some advice. Oh- even if you didn’t need advice, we are going to give you some advice, rest assured of that if nothing else. Advice will be given, and you can smile quietly to yourself and tell us to go back to our RPGs.
How does one seduce a nerd, you ask yourself? That’s easy. Offer it sex. Did it refuse? It did? In all likelihood, you may have some serious work to do then.
Seducing a Boy Nerd (straight):
This is the easiest type of nerd to seduce. They are likely going to be so grateful that you are showering them with sexy affection that they will do anything- ANYTHING- to please you (see T Binns stand up act circa 2006 to present). Anything. In fact, if you are a gay man trying to seduce a straight nerd might be worth a try, if they didn’t already have strangely specific tastes for Hollywood actresses related to science fiction genre film and television. They don’t know Mila Jovovich doesn’t care who they are, and she might not be passionate about zombies in her real life, they only know she is related to zombies and therefore hot.
In any case, you can seduce them, and bend them to your will somewhat. I say somewhat because there is an argument coming. The inevitability of this argument is so uh, not evitable that it simply cannot be evitablated. If you haven’t done your research, and you cross your boy nerd on something specific, he might be willing to sacrifice the entire relationship to make his point. He might say something so cutting and harsh to you that you will feel stupid for years. There is a savage streak of correctness in most male nerds that defies their social standing. The nerdier the man, the more caustic and critical this argument will be. You will be left feeling so genetically inferior you will do anything to date a dumb jock like you did in high school- someone with pretty eyes who is deeply concerned with their resting heart rate…
One thing that makes it all worthwhile- if you want to be looked at like the single most beautiful creature in the world, and you have always wondered what it would be like to receive a look of pure adoration, kiss that nerd.
Seducing a Boy Nerd (gay):
This is one of those things that should be easy to, in theory. Since the nerd population is so overwhelmingly male, gay men seeking gay nerds should find the nerdy territory easy to navigate. Nerds are used to being not quite accepted by the mainstream, nerds are used to being misunderstood, nerds know the heartbreaking feeling of loving someone you can’t have, the whole nerd thing is totally gay. But, if you are a sexy gay hipster, and you have eased your way into the gay community by developing a taste for sexy gay hipster things like 1940’s cinema, and interior design (stereotypes come from somewhere boys, that’s why everyone thinks I’m gay- well, that and my effete demeanour) you may need to reach into your childhood and access the pop-cultural touchstones that raised you. Surely, Star Trek, with all its messages of tolerance and the trials of love appeals to you? Perhaps something inherently asexual like GI Joe? Find your common ground.
There is a class of gay nerd that really knows musicals. This is one of those delicate sub-nerd genres that leans towards cool in certain circles. You know, like car-nerds, or or baseball-statistic-nerds. God knows, it’s all equally annoying, but these sub-genres require a delicate touch- your nerd might not even be aware he is a nerd!
Seducing a Girl Nerd (Gay or Straight):
If you are attempting to seduce a girl nerd, you will be surprised by several things. One, it will be relatively easy, initially, to be more charming than the competition, and two, there will be an endless supply of lovestruck nerdy suitors (primarily male, no matter how gay your partner may be) trying to outnerd each other for your partner. Boy nerds love girl-nerds, they are the elusive white tigers of a vast forest of, uh, non-white tigers. Your real competition will come when these boy nerds assail your would-be girlfriend with a barrage of inimitable come-ons, some so elaborate you couldn’t believe. Trust me, I know of which I speak here, a nerd with time and a crush is an unstoppable force. Rest assured, they have spent their life savings to spell out your girlfriend’s name in flaming letters made of home-made napalm which they googled the recipe for at the public library to avoid incriminating themselves on their home computers. Your main job isn’t the seduction of your girl nerd, but the defense of her.
A personal story here:
Me: (jokingly)Hey, they make suspension forks for mountain bikes, but they don’t make suspension forks for the dinner table.
Unavailable Girl: What?
Me: I said: they should make suspension forks for the dinner table, you know, to cushion the blow while you cut your steak.
Unavailable Girl: That is the stupidest thing I ever heard.
Me: Oh, it’s been broughten.
1 MONTH LATER
Me: ( Producing a dinner fork with the middle section of the handle removed and replaced with a spring based suspension system I designed myself so the fork handle compressed when you plunged it into food) Here you go.
Unavailable Girl: WTF? Wow.
DO NOT underestimate the seriousness of the nerdy completion. I’ve played the “nice guy” card a billion times, and it’s easy for me because I’m actually a nice guy (see how that works? Build the image, then be prepared to follow through). While I prefer them single and hypothetically available, I have seen many nerds swoop in on your unattended girlfriend, charm her with a dizzying array of colourful objects, poems, and home-made suspension forks, and then after she breaks up with you (ONLY after she breaks up with you) spend one passionate but confusing night with her, only to have her return to you. Such is the way of things.
Well, pitter patter kids, 1/3 of The Correctness is still single and ready to be snapped up! Don’t forget to refer to our article “Nerd Fight” to get advice on ending it when you tire of me!
