The Correctness Guide to Filler: Help with Writer’s Block
Dear Correctness Readers:
A lot of people ask us how we here at The Correctness can generate so much fresh content, ensuring that so much of our written effort is largely ignored by the people we hope read our articles, like Henry Kissinger or Emma Stone. “How can you generate so much fresh, funny content?” those people ask us, redundantly, “That could be enjoyed by Henry Kissinger for example, or Emma Stone, perhaps?” they continue, reiteratively.
Well, the secret to our success, apart from my stunning good looks, is filler.
“Filler?” You ask?
“Filler.” I respond, nodding. “Fill.The.Fuck.Er.”
“How,” you begin, “does filler help you generate content”, you continue “for your site?” you conclude.
It’s easy. Or, in the convention of the above dialogue, “It’s easy”. There are literally threes of ways to use filler and fluff to plump up even the weakest premise and make sure that people keep coming back to your website!
Pictures of things are also good filler.
1. Make lists of things
Lists of things require minimal effort. You just have to think about a category of things, and then list them. That’s easy. Here are some things you could make lists of:
a) Dogs
b) Cats
c) Lamps
d) Colours of mittens you have owned.
e) Types of mittens.
f) Types of kittens.
g) Colours of kittens wearing mittens.
h) Types of kittens wearing colours of mittens.
i) Triangular Diplomacy in the Nixon administration.
j) Types of lamps.
k) Colours of things that could be on lists.
l) Types of Nixons.
Just imagine the fun you could have discussing lamps!
2. Have an opinion. Have a point of view. Have a burrito.
Maybe, for the sake of argument, lamps make you really angry. You can generate a list of things about lamps, and then narrow it down to the few things that really bother you about lamps. Many of my recent articles highlight my grievances with a specific subject. FYI, another great way to generate filler is to link to things you have already written and use them as examples, like this:
http://www.thecorrectness.com/correctness/a-critique-of-celebrity-tweets-and-primarily-justin-bieber/
or, to a much lesser extent, like this:
http://www.thecorrectness.com/writing/stopping-by-the-woods-to-poop-on-a-summers-eve-by-r-frost/
By venting angrily about the minor annoyances that are inherent to almost any subject, you can spend seconds upon seconds of reader time cranking enjoyment juice into their fun-hungry tummies. Let’s use the lamp thing as an exemplar . Perhaps try our classic “open Letter” format which we are so fond of here at The Correctness. FYI, I typed “asan exemplar” and Microsoft corrected it to “Asian”. The racist concept of a singular Asian exemplar is just another of the typical offensive coding errors present in Word 2007, see the following:
http://www.thecorrectness.com/writing/an-open-letter-to-microsoft-re-word-2007-list-of-demands/
Now, I said we would try using the open letter format with our weak, but serviceable “lamps” rant, and we would see what kind of gold we could prospect from this iron ore mine.
Dear Lamps:
You broke my heart, lamp.
I have often used you for lighting, along with ceiling fixtures and rope light. Your free ride just ended, however, because I’m sick of your shit, Lamps. You. Make. me. Sick. You are always burning out and needing new bulbs. What is that, planned obsolescence? You are hard to clean. I always have to be the one to turn you on, you never turn me on. You lamps are always coming home late and not telling me where you were, showing up drunk, hurling abuse both verbal and physical, and then threatening suicide, only to break down crying and beg me not to call an ambulance, making me complicit in your carefully constructed facade of sanity. Fuck you, lamps!
Sincerely,
Blah blah blah
Now, to be fair, that didn’t really seem to be focused on lamps so much as my own issues, but it would still be a place to start.
3. Having a third thing in your list of things
Having a third thing really helps to round your thing out. Your thing won’t seem a lush, full or complete without a third thing. When God created the Heavens and the Earth, he said, “Let there be light, but not fucking lamps, and let there be some fish and plants n’ shit, and let there be a third, humourous thing!” and when that guy makes demands, things happen! That third thing is everywhere. Always have a third thing.
The only thing that shouldn’t have a third thing is this thing:
10 PRINT “Always have a Third Thing”
20 GOTO 10
If you are looking hard at that solitary example of a list of things that shouldn’t have a third thing, there is still a third thing embedded in it, both as text, but also implied in the absent line 30 which is line 10 repeated.
So, dear readers, I hope that helps. I know a lot of you publish comedy on a several times weekly basis, and you can now generate content like words are going out of style. To recap:
1. Make Lists of things
2. Lunch.
3. A Third Thing.
Sincerely Yours,
RobbieRobTown
P.S. Still waiting on your contest submission, Emma.
