Open Letter to the Prejudiced Dickhole T-Shirt sales “man”.
Size Small? How hard is this?
Dear Dickhole:
All I was trying to do was buy a superhero T Shirt at a comic book convention. Let me recap our conversation for you:
You: (plausibly friendly) Does anyone need a hand with anything?
Me: Yes, actually, I could use a hand. I don’t suppose you have any shirts in a size small?
You: (turning slightly) No Man, we never do, we just never – not at the conventions.
Me: Oh. I see. But you have an online store, is that right?
You: (getting douchey) Yeah, but you’ll never bother me there.
Me: I beg your Pardon?
You: (douchier still) I said you’re never gonna bother me there Man.
Me: I see…
You: (getting your shovel) Yeah, cause in the last 5 years I have had, like, 2 orders for size small stuff.
Me: Look, it’s okay, I’ll move on…
You (digging a trench for the battle): Yeah, and you know what’s wrong with you small people?
Me: (in silence, but having a feeling you are about to tell me what’s wrong with my people) …No?
You: (continuing the arms race without provocation): I’ll tell you what’s wrong with you small people. First we sell the XL, then the L, then the M, and we used to bring in a few smalls, but, see, we always have to sell you stuff on clearance, because you people drive the prices down.
Me: (mustering some logic) That’s ironic, because I usually find I have to buy stuff at regular price before they run out of my size…
You: (full on racist) No, that’s not how you do it. You wait until things go on clearance, and force me to drop my prices.
Me: (with an explanation, but lacking the willpower to bother) Uh yeah, okay then…
You: (Energizer Bunny of defensiveness) Yeah man, so you’re never gonna bother me online, I can’t do business like that. I’m sorry man. It’s just never gonna happen. There is no demand.
Me: (unCanadianly leaving without saying “thank you” or apologizing) Uh huh…
Dickhole, there was simply not enough time or reason for me to stand there and explain to you that marketing to smaller and larger sizes is, indeed, a niche business. There was no need to explain that I worked retail for 7 years, and that I sold a lot of size 7 shoes and size 14 shoes because I stocked them. Did I stock a million? No. Would I special order for people? Yes. Could I have started an online t shirt business and sold more than 2 size small shirts if I had offered them? Oh yes. I could also have stocked, nay, I would also have stocked 3XL.
Perhaps you are only losing 15% of your potential sales by spending your spare time dry humping your cat instead of business planning. I’m sure you enjoy stripping down naked and having your sharp-clawed cat swat angrily at your now unrecognizably scarred penis. I imagine that the time you save by not ordering size small is partially spent convincing yourself you are not losing any business at all, and partially spent engaged in your regularly scheduled cat rape.
Your impressive scapegoating of “The Small People” goes beyond my ability to rationalize. The conspiratorial objective of “my people” to ruin your business by ordering a product which you are unwilling to provide is indeed sinister. In fact, I have a confession:
We are out to get you. Even though I am 5’9”, and I weigh 140 of your Imperial Earth Pounds, (or 64 of your base 10 Earth Kilograms), I am still the leader of the small people. They chose me because I am medium sized, and I can blend in to your world of towering gigantic gods (Do you all have golden penises? Can I touch yours? Maybe not yours, yours is a fleshy disfigured knot, but one of the other Tall Person wieners?). We sit deep inside our lair – okay, we sit deep inside an H&M store, waiting for the day that you have invested too heavily in size smalls. Then, we will wait much too long to buy them, so you feel you must discount them! Only once you have discounted your shirts, will we then purchase them, wear them, and somehow mass-advertise and tell our friends how we masterfully bought t-shirts at 75% of the price the rest of you foolish Tallies! The Earth will be thrown into chaos! How dare the Smallites save nearly $4 on their t shirts! Soon, the Tallies will riot, and demand you also give them each $4! All because we Smallites colluded to buy your shirts, and then daringly wore those same shirts around!
Hyperbole aside, you sell shirts at a comic book convention. Where else would you expect to find, amongst the chubby nerds (who I am not denigrating, my friends are mostly chubby nerds, and many of them have exceedingly hot wives and girlfriends), would you also find a veritable shitload of skinny nerds? And teenagers? My god, skinny nerds and teenagers must have been 40% of the people at the convention! What about the kids? Easily 10% of the people in that room were nerdy fathers ( presumably with hot wives) and kids! WHAT ABOUT THE HOT WIVES? I spoke personally to at least one hot wife who could not buy a t shirt due to its immense size! There were thousands of non-giant nerdy women at that convention. Literally Thousands! What are the ladies supposed to wear? Wait, I see what you are doing, you are refusing to sell clothing to the ladies because you hope they will be forced to manufacture their own tight fitting superhero costumes, and then help you lasso your cat for raping.
I’m not asking for much. You don’t have my size? Fine. Just don’t be a weird prejudiced dickhole about it.
