Open Letter to Maxim
Dear Maxim
A well meaning soul recently sent me this link to your 13 hottest nerd crushes. While certainly give you points for singling out Grace Park over Tricia Helfer , out of your 13 I agreed with less than half. This is when something I always suspected became confirmed for me.
Your magazine is clearly written by the same axe body spray wearing, beer guzzling, sport stat quoting, frosted tip quaffed, Spike TV watching, Jock preening, club hopping douche-tards that are your target audience, and clearly they wouldn’t know something genuinely nerdy if they walked up behind it and gave it a wedgie.
Your list gives me the impression that I am being laughed at, rather than with. Yes we are sad and pathetic in a way, but that doesn’t mean we will place not one, but 3 computer generated and or hand drawn FICTIONAL CHARACTERS on a list of our top crushes. Yes, the Greg Horn style super heroine is eye-catching and it sells comics…that doesn’t mean Emma Frost is on my celebrity crush list, and your implication that Aeon Flux IS on my list is condescending.
Well...on the other hand...NO! NO! Stay on topic!
If you actually had a nerd on your staff, there is no way he would have allowed that list to go out without Kirsten Bell on it, not to mention Tina Fey, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Selma Blair, Kari Byron, Felicia Day etc. etc. All lists of this sort will be guilty of a few high profile exclusions, but yours seem to point to not knowing what the hell you are talking about. I suppose if you did have a nerd on staff, he probably couldn’t make it to the meeting because you had stuffed him in a locker or something.
And how DARE you imply that we don’t enjoy Phoebe Cates coming out of the pool in Fast Times on the same level as you? The Red Bikini is every bit as sacred to us as the metal slave girl bikini is. Hey, you know who wrote that movie? Cameron Crowe…who is…you guessed it, a huge fucking nerd. (See “Almost Famous” for details. He met you all again on your long journey toward the middle) We were ruining VHS copies of that movie with pausing and rewinding the same as you, probably more, because you were out actually GETTING some.
We love you just as much as they do. Don't listen to them.
So in conclusion, I would ask you to perhaps take the risk of ruining your “rep” by taking the time to actually consult one of my socially maladjusted brethren before creating such a list in future. Thank you for your attention, you may now resume watching 1000 ways to die and Manswers.
Sincerely,
TBinns
P.S. Thank you for not including Olivia Munn, at least.
