A Critique of Celebrity Tweets, and Primarily Justin Bieber:
Recently due to a scheduling snafu, I missed out on an opportunity to give a public reading of the most hateful literature I could find. First, I recommend if you are in the Vancouver area you check out the “Say Wha?” show on June 8th, but in the meantime, I have located the motherload: The immensely compelling world of celebrity tweets, and specifically the genre-defining work of Justin Bieber.
Already, twitter is a format which offers little in terms of depth of thought, or riveting narrative. Why should it offer anything ? It’s instant, it’s easy, it teaches retarded schoolgirls to type with their thumbs. 140 characters is hardly enough space to compose a great novel- A great haiku? Yes. A great novel? Unfortunately, no. If the medium is the message, then the medium says “Hey! Hey! Hey! Over here! Hey!”. We are a culture of desperate castaways, and the twitters are our bottled messages, cast adrift on a vast ocean composed primarily of other bottles with messages in them.
Sometimes I misspell my text messages, sometimes I use cute acronyms, sometimes I google a meme. Sometimes I store a message inside an R2 unit, but none of these things are intended for the general public. In fact, @thecorrectness sends the occasional tweet, usually proofread, and as such I know a lot about what @nathanfillion thinks about the amusing comments of @simonpegg. God knows I update my facebook status all the time, but people have to willingly participate in that comedic venture, and I never say anything personal.
Justin, with no further apology, here is where the sympathy train must stop. Celebrities know that thousands upon thousands of people follow them, and that their tweets are public.
An aside: Oh how I am loathe to use the word “tweet” as a noun.
“That blue bird is tweeting”: Acceptable.
“Did you hear the bird tweet?”: Passable, no worse than most Dick and Jane readers.
“Here is an old tweet I found, under the Christmas lights in the garage”: Appalling.
Celebrities are using Twitter as a means to reach the masses- the brain injured masses of teenagers anyway- and as such, they should think about what they say before they say it. But even more terrifying than the bizarre syntax and impenetrable intent, is the sheer inanity of the content. Justin Bieber knows this too. He knows, but sometimes forgets, that thousands upon thousand of people read his thoughts. I’m certain he is reeling from backlash lately (I read his tweets), and backlash is something which I have never experienced outside of a junior high school context. Actually, my ex lovers have participated, on occasion, in an impressive character assassination of me, but this is not my story.
Here are a series of examples from the creature known as Justin Bieber. For those who do not know, it is a thing which makes, what some pundits loosely describe as, “music”. The Bieber thing is very popular at its radio noise, or its Youtube lookables. I am not part of the Bieber’s demographic, I do not understand it, but it has legions of fans who tune in to hear it say the following things:
“Wow that was the longest flight eveerrrrr. At least I caught some zzz and watched legally blonde 1 and 2 haahahaah 10:42 AM May 23rd via Twitter for BlackBerry®”
Dear Justin Bieber: In response to your tweet on May 23rd, here is how a joke is constructed: Step one, say something funny. Step 2: Craft a punchline instead of saying “hahahahah”.
Sincerely,
RobbieRobTown
“lakers vs suns…this is a good game. about to just chill out for the rest of the night and watch the rest of this game. kobe is a beast 7:39 PM May 23rd via web”
Dear Justin Bieber :
Thank you for updating me on your whereabouts and current activities. After receiving this, I could not possibly join you, so I presume this was not intended as an invitation. Perhaps you were bragging about where you were?
Sincerely,
RobbieRobtown
P.S. You are so right. Kobe is a beast, both in terms of his skillful athleticism, and his unusual definition of “consensual”. Or did you mean “Kobe beef is from a beast”? How colourful.
“both shows were nuts and it was so loud u couldnt even hear urself think…the energy was amazing and that is what it is all about. thank u! 10:36 AM May 22nd via web”
Oh no, thank U, Justin Bieber. Thank U. I wonder what it is like for U to hear Urself think? Does it sound like when a 20hp outboard motor falls off the boat and into the murky lakewater? Surely it produces as much exhaust and sputtering before it is forever extinguished…
“Headed to radio station NRW! Where are all my Oberhausen fans!? 🙂 2:20 AM May 21st via Twitter for BlackBerry®”
Have you checked Oberhausen?
“i think my head still hurts from running into that door…haha. only thing u can do in times like that is laugh at yourself…and laugh hard 3:07 PM May 20th via web”
Where to begin…
“just heard SOMEBODY TO LOVE remix with USHER on the radio!! Very cool. Had a dance party in the car. car next to us thought we were nuts. 7:20 PM May 23rd via web”
OMGZ! YOU ARE THE FIRST PERSON TO EVAR DO THAT! U R SO CRA-Z! God, how I wish my life was your life. That has never, ever, happened to me about twice a month since I got my license, and I never get caught singing or playing air guitar. Not even once! Oh impetuous youth!
May I just point out a pattern here? Note that most of these tweets are coming from late May. These are the breaking stories broadcast to infinity by the Bieber creature.
“Craig Sager is a trending topic. That dude rules!! I met him and his family on a flight. Great guy and best suit game ever!! haha 6:22 PM May 23rd via web”
“This just in: CRAIG SAGER’s suit tailor is CHUCK NORRIS. epic 6:24 PM May 23rd via web”
The unit identified as “Craig Sager” is a trending topic, or a human person? I have never met a trending topic, as a trending topic is A) an abstract concept and not the subject of a sentence and B) constructed from a noun in verb form. Does his “suit game” refer to the quality manufacture and tailoring of his suit, or simply to the monopoly board which he has stapled to his blazer? Can I presume his whimsical tailor only is coincidentally named “Chuck Norris”, and is not the once famous actor? DOES NOT COMPUTE.
“everyone go unfollow @dankanter for an hour then add him again hahahahahahhahahaha 5:34 AM May 20th via mobile web”
Okay…
“Bieber!!!!! http://twitpic.com/1pe543 6:46 AM May 20th via Twitpic”
It refers to itself in the third person, doesn’t it precious?
“Just left Planet Radio! Thanks to everyone there…now all the girls that skipped school…you should go back 🙂 hahaha 2:59 AM May 20th via Twitter for BlackBerry®”
What’s your buddy Kobe up to? Yes, the beef one.
“Music is the universal language no matter the country we are born in or the color of our skin. Brings us all together – http://bit.ly/b20UsT 9:37 AM May 19th via web”
Justin, another popular universal language is language, look into one.
“@TheEllenShow Ellen you have serious swagger. haha. thanks for the love as always. see u soon 4:21 PM May 17th via web in reply to TheEllenShow”
Are you flirting with Ellen DeGeneres? We should talk.
“had dinner at this spot in Tokyo tonight and i swear ninjas served us…try telling me they dont exist…just try. stay out of the shadows 8:36 AM May 17th via web”
Okay, that is a joke, that is pretty funny. Racist, but funny.
“got to go to Sea World yesterday and see. Shamu made me believe and i got to make out with some Beluga Whales. good times 12:43 PM May 15th via web”
Shamu made you believe what? In the beauty of nature, or the horror of captivity? Or in the murderous intent of killer whales? Hey, Shamu, you had your chance, why did you waste it?
“excited for the SOMEBODY TO LOVE video…. 3:03 AM May 13th via web”
Mr. Bieber, A variation of this message appears on your twitter page approximately 73 times in the last 2 weeks. Is there something that you would like to promote?
“Let’s goooooooooooooooooooooooop 3:48 PM May 12th via Twittelator”
Let’s goop? What the fuck?
“Charice is amazing and a sweetheart too. I’m excited to get home tonight and watch the Oprah episode!!! 1:44 PM May 11th via mobile web”
Oh my god, so much about this is wrong. You are a 16 year old boy, are you genuinely excited to see the Oprah show? Oh, wait, are you on Oprah? Then who is Charice? Are those unrelated topics? Visit a library! They want to help!
“only CHUCK NORRIS can save us now…he is the only one still following all of us. haha 10:13 AM May 10th via web “
“looks like twitter is back to normal. CHUCK NORRIS must have saved us all once again. Thank you Chuck…Thank you 5:15 PM May 10th via web
You are 16. Have you even seen Chuck Norris? Who instructed you that it was fashionable to make references to Chuck Norris? News flash: they were incorrect.
“This fool fell asleep haha http://twitpic.com/1lzh18 11:22 PM May 7th via Echofon”
Allow me to explain. The attached picture shows a man who has fallen asleep. This is a close up photo, so I will assume this man is not a hobo. I will further assume, if you will all allow it, that since the entity known as “Bieber” has the time available to take this photo of a sleeping man, perhaps both he and this sleeping fellow were on a break. Far be it from me to suggest that one of your crew, back up dancers, musicians, writers, choreographers, handlers, marketers, or green grocers fell asleep because they were tired, and deserved a nap. No, whoever this “fool” is, as you have so aptly designated him, is clearly deserving of some kind of hilarious prank style punishment.
I refer you back to your May 23rd tweet, in which I instructed you on how to craft a joke. Since you could not have had a chance to read this information until today, but it seems you make frequent attempts at humour, and may even have the capacity for moderate success (see: racist ninjas), please allow me to give you a few more pointers:
The situation or “premise” here is that a man is sleeping. First, you must explain to us why it is inappropriate that he is sleeping, and how that is associated with you. Otherwise, you have stalked and illegally photographed a real human being, who just needed to catch, as you so eloquently put it, “some zzz”.
Next, for observational humour to be effective, you, or someone near you must be affected by this man’s slumbering. If his sleeping does not alter your life, immediate choices, or alternatives in any way, the fact that he is asleep is not funny.
Perhaps you find the concept of sleep amusing in and of itself. I assure you, Bieber Creature, you are in a unique minority in that regard.
Finally, if your humourous intent is to do something to this man, perhaps the following:
“loyaljessica about 16 hours ago : lol draw on his face”
Then post a photograph when you have carried out this masterwork of practical jokery. Or maybe you have something more insidious in mind, I know you’ve just been touring in Japan and that can “do things” to people, but whatever the case, if your intent is to do something to this sleeping man, if that is your cup of tea, it that is what floats your boat, if that is what teabags your roadie, then, please, do something to this man, and then and only then, photograph the result.
If you do not make a witty observation about this sleeping fellow, nor reveal to us how it has adversely affected the life of someone around you, nor indeed do anything to him in any way, then the entity known as Justin Bieber has no reason to write “haha.” NO RIGHT!
I know I’m a has-been curmudgeon, or more accurately, a never-been asshole, but are these truly the missives we wish shared far and wide? I believe it was Oscar Wilde who said “I just took a shit in Denver, and boy are my arms tired”, and he was a man who carefully selected his words.
Let my epitaph read “My last Tweet is 4 U dawg! L8Rs!”
RobbieRobTown
