The Correctness Casting Couch: Sue Storm (Richards)
Part 3 in our series in which we deny up and down that it is a piss poor excuse to post pictures of hot actresses. This justification comes from our earnest belief that some of our favorite Comic Book Heroines have been horribly miscast, and we suggest a few alternatives. Today we recast Sue Storm from the Fantastic Four. Not that it would help salvage two shitty films (I can’t believe they dangled the Silver Surfer in front of me and made me pay to see a second one.), but hey, it’s a start.
Who is being recast?
Jessica Alba.
Okay, it’s not a hotness contest. I’ve seen Sin City…I get it. She is a very attractive woman. A very attractive BRUNETTE LATINA WOMAN!!!! I could almost forgive the blonde hair and the blue eyes that make her look weird and creepy…IF she was a good enough actress to make it worth it. But we all know she’s stiffer than fanboy at a convention full of Princess Leia slavegirls. She was by no means the only, or even the biggest problem with those movies, but lord in heaven she sure wasn’t good. Let’s see if we can do better shall we?
Honorable Mentions
Amber Heard
Jessica Alba was cast solely on her sex appeal it seems, so if you are going for young sex appeal, as opposed to what the part actually calls for, why not go with an actual blue eyed blonde? Personally I think she’s too young for the part, but she was pretty good in Pinapple express, and Zombieland so if you are going to err on the side of hotness, you could do worse than Amber here.
Scarlett Johannsen
I wish I could put my finger on why I feel she is not quite right for the part, even though on paper everything seems to be perfect. She would certainly have the box office draw, lord knows the nerdlings are drooling at the prospect of her playing Black Widow already and that film isn’t even out until May. I guess I put her on here because it seems like a good fit, even though something indefinable is missing. Oh well, moving on…
Alison Lohman
Geek cred from a Sam Raimi horror film goes a long way toward making sure the target audience is happy. She is just on her way up, after a couple of solid performances, I think this could be a great way to really kick start her into the mainstream.
January Jones
She actually made my top 3 until I saw her on Saturday Night Live. Eeeeeee…….ooooohhhh …..ouch. Somebody referred to it as a “Hot Mess” I concur. But she does good work on Mad Men, so let’s give her the benefit of the doubt and say that live comedy and cue cards just aren’t her thing and include her on the honorable mention list.
Hey, you know what would be funny?
Don’t cast anyone at all. Just have the actors talk to an empty space all the time. “Still stuck in invisible mode Sue? Hmmm, I’ll have to work on that…but first, Dr. Doom is back in town!!!”
Makes me laugh, anyway.
The “If I Had a Time Machine Award” goes to…
Grace Kelly circa 1953
Although it would be criminal to have somebody who looks like that playing someone invisible.
And Now…
THE TOP THREE
3. Elizabeth Banks
Every geek knows that Betty Brandt was way hotter than Mary Jane in the Spider-Man movies. She’s got the right look, good comic timing, and comic book movie experience. What more could you want?
2. Kristen Bell
Wanna start a geek stampede to the theatre? Cast internet favourite Kristen Bell, Patron Goddess of the Fanboy nation.. I’ve seen her do some outstanding work in Deadwood,and Forgetting Sarah Marshall, although I have not seen Veronica Mars, and I don’t watch Heroes. Plus, look at this picture…
The only way that could look more like Sue Storm is if there was an Atlantean in a speedo leering at her in the background.
And my #1 choice for Sue Storm…
Naomi Watts
I can see this woman being the mother of Franklin Richards, the object of Namor’s desire, and someone who will fuck you up if you cross her or her family. She looks right, is the right age, and has the acting chops to pull it off. Naomi wins it hands down.
So…who did I miss? Let me know.
Next week there is another Storm coming, but this one DEFINITELY doesn’t include Halley Berry!
See you then.
