Superteam Semi-Final 2: Justice League vs. X-Men
Time for some Superteam Smackdown, live from the The Correctness’s new Herodome, located in sunny downtown Newville. The tailgates are up, the beer is cold, the snacks are carby, it’s time for some smackdown! We have 8 classic superhero teams fighting it out to see who can claim the title.
This week It’s the Justice League vs. The X-men. Two titans of of the superteam genre, more titanic even than the Teen Titans, who suck a bunch.
The JLA (Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Batman, Aquaman)
vs
The X-men (Cyclops, Wolvie, Jean, Colossus, and Rogue)
RULES:
-The two day prep, fight in an arena still applies.
-No outside interference from people who are NOT on your team. Ie: No stunts from Franklin and Professor X. Your team is your team and that’s who you’ve got.
-Heroes with Multiple team affiliations can only fight for 1 team
– Only 5 members max per team. Current lineups are based on our choices, as we are awesome.
-Remember, this speculation is based on the TEAM MEMBERS we have assembled. Yes, the results would have been very different if Professor X was on the Team, or Green Lantern, or Martian Manhunter or whomever. But they aren’t, so the results are based on who we’ve got.
RobbieRobTown:
WARNING: I promised you people a non-sensical rant. If you want writing that makes sense, scroll down to the submissions from the other boys.
We have some lovely friends on FARK. Also, and somewhat unsurprisingly on FARK, we have some people who really hate us. That’s the whole point of FARK, really. Good on ’em. Thank Christ almighty we haven’t upset 4Chan.
In any case, “It’s Fixed!” comes the battle cry from the FARK forums! “Fixy fix fiiiiiixxxx!” they shout.
“But we have all those rules!” we explain.
“Fixy fix fix!” They type, aggressively.
“But we’re just writers anyway, and we have nothing to gain from fixing these events, not even favour from our dwindling readership,” we add.
“Fixitty fix fix!” They say. “Plus, you are phoning it in, and you suuuuhuuuuuck!”
But they are right of course. Nothing can prove we don’t preplan this in detail- every last unsatisfying detail. Every missed opportunity for a joke? Planned by me personally. I have been simply throwing you off the trail of my subversive plot to entertain you slightly less than I once did! I have everything to gain! HAHAHAHAHA! It all makes perfect sense.
I suppose, then, it is time I reveal the details of my plan. This article will be my Corbomite maneuver. This is tranya, bitches. I hope you relish it as much as I. Wait, this will be my Kobayashi Maru. No, wait- This is my Sci Fi Channel’s 2008 “Rock Monster”. You are about to witness the penultimate unmotivated, illogical, irrational adventure into sheer stupidity, really, second only to Sci Fi Channel’s 2008 “Rock Monster”, which was just appalling in every way. Made no sense. At all. Buckle up.
Fuck our rules, I am adding 3 people and one monkey into this fight. Why? Because in the end, no one interested in having sex with me is basing their decision on this article.
Our regular readers (reader) know(s) that I hated it as a kid when the ratings solution to every regularly broadcast television program in the seventies, and eighties, was the addition of some cute kid, or kids to entice , well, kids. Sometimes they even got rid of the first cute kid (Judy Winslow, looking at you…) to replace that kid with some cuter kid. I could make an exhaustive list of offenders, but we need not look much further than the satanists who work at Hanna-Barbera for the key evidence.
If we are going to have the Justice League fight, we are going to have them fight at their worst, handicapped (in both a golf way and a short-bus way) by the Wonder Twins. Not only that, but I’m adding Gleek. Gleek is a purple “space-monkey”, which is so wholly an unsatisfactory explanation for his biology or purpose that it just reeks of B science fiction writing- “Put the space-hats on the space-rack, and make it space-quick!”. It literally reeks, you can smell it from here, it smells like my lactose-intolerant poops after pizza night. Superman sure is mighty, he can deal with Brainiac, but can he deal with the Jar-Jar Binks of the DC universe? We’ll just see.
To the X-Men, I’m adding in Kitty Pryde. Why? A, because it is one of the few examples of the addition of a cute kid that has ever been successful, B, because she evolved into a kick-ass character, and C, because she has a dragon. Kitty Pryde has a motherfucking dragon. Is it purple? Yes, regrettably. Is it better than a space-monkey? Are you shitting me? Of course a dragon is better than a space-monkey, that is just a fact of science.
Hypothetical conversation:
Me: Would you rather have a saccharine cute dragon, or a retarded primate?
You: Dragon is an option? Dragon!
Me: You can have the monkey and a billion dollars.
You: Dragon!
Me: Both are pretty useless.
You: Dragon.
Me: Both are purple.
You: DRAGON!
Me: If you take the monkey, I’ll give you a dragon.
You: Dragon! Only dragon…or else…
Enough talk. Let’s fight! Here’s how it goes down:
Into the arena both teams go. Right of the bat, Gleek finds a chair to dry hump, and The “Wonder” Twins rush over to see if they can pry their monkey off. Yes, they have powers, but they are too distracted by their jack-off monkey to do anything. Bad news Super Friends, now someone has to babysit the teenage kids, and stop them from getting seriously killed. They aren’t listening to Mom, so better send in Supes to give the kids a stern, boring, Americana lecture about planning. He’s out of the fight, he’ll be busy for like, forever. Maybe Jan and Mike Brady, or whoever, will eventually turn into an ice gondola and a purple eagle (purple!)- unless someone has stolen all of their rings- Gleek? Arrrgh! You infuriating primate! Gleek stole all of the rings, both from the Wonder Twins and The Green Lantern- That means even if GL could help (which he can’t, because of the rules about no additional team members that I am adhering to strictly), his ring would be covered in purple space-jizz.
Meanwhile, Aquaman (checks to see if anybody cares, moves on)…
Kitty Pryde is not sitting around doing nothing. She punches Wonder Woman right in the breast. POW! Straight to the boob! An infuriated Wonder Woman spends the rest of the fight purposelessly trying to hit Kitty Pryde in the box. This fight lasts until one of them gets too hungry to continue, and the their eyes meet. Kitty Pryde, and immovable object, Wonder Woman, and unstoppable force. Kitty, young, inexperienced, just freshly 19 years old and back with the X-men, her kick-ass ninja skills opening Diana’s eyes, and heart. Wonder Woman suddenly sees something she never sees in the DC universe- a strong woman, a challenge. Kitty Pryde sees a woman she can respect.
There is a fight going on, but there is a spotlight on Kitty Pryde and Wonder Woman, at the center of the arena. “Dreamweaver” is playing.
“You fight well, young mortal, but you must learn honour,” says Wonder Woman.
Kitty Pryde’s uniform has been irreparably torn in the battle. “I rarely meet a worthy opponent.”
“Join me. I will be your teacher.” Diana, Amazon goddess, is then suddenly wearing a hot teacher outfit. Probably with really well tailored grey wool pencil skirt.
“Perhaps only you can teach me what I must learn,” says Kitty Pryde, as she is inexplicably re-dressed in a catholic school-girl uniform.
Yes, I know I have written this kind of storyline before. Stop reading if you are so bored.
Diana puts her hand up to Kitty Pryde’s face. She strokes her cheek, and pulls her close. “Only a woman can guide you,” she says, as she draws Kitty yet closer, pulling back on her hair just slightly- roughly at first, the smell of the sweat from the battle on both of their skin, and then gently, caressing her.
“We never had lessons like this at Xavier’s school,” moans Kitty. Even Aquaman isn’t as wet as she is.
“That bald fool doesn’t have a lasso that makes you tell the truth. Now,” says Wonder Woman, “tell me what you really want…”
If you want more, send me a goddamn cheque, or click on our advertisers.
Anyhow, our winner is the X-Men, because I’m tired of the “Batman always wins” paradigm too. But the real winner? The real winner is you, fair audience.
Winner: The X-Men featuring Kitty “You Can’t Hit What Isn’t There, But You Wish You Could Hit That!” Pryde.
Loser: Hanna-Barbera, The Colour Purple.
admin_Rock
So, a battle that we can finally sink our teeth in to. It’s been a long time coming. See the problem with building a bracket from entirely fictional things is that if you do it randomly, you’re stuck with the luck of the draw. If you select specific teams for specific slots, you’re chastised for setting things up. So we tend to stick to the random method. Which leads, for some reason, to being chastised for setting things up. Anyways, I think my smackdowns of late have been too much catering to the internet crowd, so today, it’s just for me.
The Arena draws to a hush as the teams enter. The crowd is filled with with spectators, some of them former JLA members, the majority made up of othe X-Men, 6000 strong. The horn goes to start the match.
The Flash moves at imperceptible speed, ravaging through the X-Men, taking one after another down in less than a heartbeat. He stands over their collapsed bodies, blows on his knuckles, and waits for his teammates to congratulate him.
Sadly, this occurs only in his head. In the arena, Jean Grey has entered his mind, and is holding him motionless, but since she is kind and hot, and it makes for a better story, she’s also projecting these things in his head.
Colossus heads straight for Superman and tries to restart the Cold War. Knowing that Superman is ultimately stronger, he relies on his artistic soul and his spirit to carry the day. Their battle continues on…
Cyclops is firing optic blasts at everything in sight, forcing Batman on to the defensive, as he dodges and weaves through them, trying to get closer to Cyke.
Wolverine is barreling through the middle, heading for Aquaman, who is still trying to figure out how he pulled this duty, rather than, say, Green Lantern or Martian Manhunter. He sees Wolvie coming fast, and gets nervous. Wonder Woman comes to his aid, knocking Wolvie to the ground, and throwing her lasso around him.
“Why are you doing this?” she asks. Forced to tell the truth, he admits “It’s a distraction.”
“For what?” she asks quizzically.
“For Jean and Rogue to do their thing.” He says, smiling.
Wonder Woman turns and sees Rogue walk up to a still frozen Flash, and lay a huge kiss on him, tongue and everything. Flash crumples to the ground, and Rogue starts smiling as she takes stock of what she’s now capable of.
Before she can pull in her breath to say “Uh oh”, she and Aquaman are down for the count, courtesy of the Southern Speedster.
In the meantime, Colossus is in trouble, as Superman is pounding him around the stadium, and Cyclops’s time has run out. Batman closes the distance, and drops him with a well placed karate chop to the back of the head. He turns, ready to move forward with his meticulously well crafted plan, takes note of the location of Colossus, Jean, and Wolverine. Unable to see Rogue, he quickly grabs for his belt, looking for something that will give him vision in the infra-red. As he does this, he feels his brain starting to get hot, and then worries only about finding a drink of water. He walks toward the exit, and Wolverine takes him down with a few quick snickts. Jean’s mind control is proving to be unstoppable.
Now Superman is alone, once again, as he truly always is. Though he tries to fit in, and be one of us, he never will, as he is an outsider. This makes him sad. He grows tired of the distraction of Colossus, and throws him aside. He makes a beeline for Jean Grey, in an attempt to remove her from the fight. as he closes, he bounces off an invisible shield, composed of both Jean’s TK and Rogue’s wall of air. As Supes gets to his feet, he’s knocked over by Wolvie smashing into him, a la Fastball Special. As he rises again, he sees Rogue in his face. She kisses him. “I don’t think you can take my power,” he says. “Because technically, I’m simply strong due to the color of the sun.” “Ah don’t need your power, sugah. But y’all have a nice nap”. A fully powered Superman drifts off to sleep.
The X-men pick up Cyclops, and they all head back to the Mansion for a Claremont era softball game.
Winner: The X-Men
The Internet: Okay Tbinns. Let’s have it. X-men vs. Justice League. Go.
Tbinns: No.
The Internet: No? What do you mean no? It’s Friday. It’s Smackdown Day. You write something, we call you names. That’s how this works.
Tbinns: No. Not today. I don’t feel like it.
The Internet: Then just phone it in like you always do.
Tbinns: Bite me. Piss off, I’m not doing it.
The Internet: Wait a minute, are you…are you SULKING?
Tbinns: No, I am not sulking. I just feel like staying here in the bedroom with the door shut playing Moving Pictures over and over and writing letters to people I hate while stuffing my face with those marshmallow cookies that have a little bit of jam in the bottom of them.
The Internet: The chocolate coated ones that look like a bowler hat?
Tbinns: Yes.
The Internet: Those are awesome. Can we have one?
Tbinns: No, fuck off.
The Internet: Awwww…what’s the matter little buddy?
Tbinns: Nothing. Nothing at all. I’m certainly not upset because the Defenders got knocked out, after I SPECIFICALLY put them in the tournament so Superman could get completely fucked up the ass on both a magical and sub atomic level. Why would I be upset that the Hulk, one of my personal favourites was dismissed completely because SOMEBODY that writes for this site is uncomfortable with the fact that he has fantasies about putting Namor’s ankle wings behind his ears and doing a little submarining of his own. So he writes about how much he hates him, dismisses the Defenders completely, then overcompensates by writing superheroine lesbian erotica.
The Internet: Ooooookaaaayyyy….so you’re not going to post anything?
Tbinns: No, if I do, you’ll just complain anyway, and my Defenders are out, so what’s the point?
The Internet: So, we’ll just put you down for the Justice League then, and move on?
Tbinns: Uhhhh…no.
The Internet: No? You are voting for the X-men? So we were right all along, and you don’t know anything about comics AT ALL? And you are a douche bag and you aren’t funny or entertaining and we can sardonically refer to you as a “writer” in quotes, and call you a cocksmoker because Fark doesn’t greenlight our blog and we deeply resent you?
Tbinns: Well, IF I were writing today I would have to point out that the whole thing depends on taking out The X factor. In this case, Batman and the “Batman has a plan for that.” argument. Admin Rock will tell you all about it, if he takes his lips off of Bruce Wayne’s ass long enough to.
The Internet: Boy you ARE in a pissy mood.
Tbinns: Observe carefully people.
Before the bell goes and the fight officially begins, Wolverine lights up a stoagie and strides to the centre of the Arena. He holds his hand in the air. Slowly a microphone comes down from the ceiling.
WOLVERINE: Listen up candy asses. As of right now, I’m only interested in ONE of you. Two if you count the Amazon broad, but we’ll save that one for later. Right now, I just want to go one on one with your best.
Superman takes a step forward…
WOLVERINE: Not so fast Boyscout, I ain’t talking to you. Batman. I’m calling your ass OUT.
The crowd goes apeshit. Wolvie smiles.
Because the Batman does have a weakness. Pride. Time and time again he tries to go toe to toe with physically superior foes, only to get his ass kicked. Then he comes back later to defeat his enemy using smarts rather than brawn. (See the Mutant Leader in Dark Knight, also Bane)But his instinct is to punish, to beat them down physically. There is no way on God’s green earth Batman will back down from this. Any plans he may have had, any elaborate schemes he’s been plotting just went out the window.
SUPERMAN: Bruce, we are a team…don’t let him goad you into anything stupid…
But Batman shoots him that look. It’s too late. Damage has been done. Batman walks out to the middle of the arena.
Snikt.
“Let’s see what you got, bub.”
Crowd goes wild, and it’s a blur of claws and cape…
The two go toe to toe for several minutes back and forth, when the buzzer sounds.
Flash disappears, looking to help Batman and take Wolvie out, but he is stopped, he hits the ground at Wolverines feet, taken out with a football style tackle.
Because Pietro gave Rogue a nice, long good luck hug before the match. And now she’s giving him the very same hug. A good long, draining hug. Flash is on the floor dizzy, and weak when Rogue knocks him out.
Superman flies straight up, only to grip his head and drop back down to the floor. Jean is in there good and she is fucking him up.
Cyc blasts away at Aquaman, while Colossus makes a beeline for Wonder Woman. He knows he’s not going to beat her, he just has to keep her busy, which he does admirably.
Rogue now has the Flash’s powers, she is zipping around doing all kinds of damage. She takes out Aquaman. Ties up Wonder Woman at super sonic speed. Then she zips up to Superman and gives him a gentle touch as well.
The Wolverine Batman brawl has spilled out into the crowd, the lobby, the street…
Superman finally manages to shake off Jean. He is drained, weakened, disoriented, and facing Rogue, who now has his powers, Colossus, and a continuing onslaught of psychic attacks from Jean. That’s when Cyc adjusts his visor to the new modification that Beast gave him. The one that focuses the beams through kryptonite.
“Let’s finish it up” He says.
And THAT is how the X-men beat the Justice League.
So IF I was writing an article this week that’s how it would go. So put me down for the X-men, and fuck off.
But if you are going out, I could use another package of Mallow cookies.
P.S. Somewhere in the distant hills, Batman and Wolverine are still fighting it out.
Winner: The X-Men
Decision: The X-Men
And so, the The X-Men defy the odds and move on to face the Avengers in what will assuredly not be a repeat of the terrible mini series of decades past, nor the equally terrible Utopia of only a few years past.
Comments are welcome below.
