Supervillain Smackdown 4: Venom vs Dr. Doom
(Note: This is a repost)
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which supervillains would win in a fight. Lex Luthor has bankrolled the competition.Which of the 8 will come out on top? The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. It’s brutal, ugly, violent, and soul rending…and that’s just the comment section!!!
The Rules, and the Bracket were laid out in advance, in this post. Two days of prep, battle is held in the stadium, and it’s to the death. Game on.
This week Dr. Doom vs. Venom! For our purposes, we are all about classic non ultimate Doom and Eddie Brock Venom
Rob:
One of the things I find funniest about this process is that it forces us to quantify the skills of super types. These things should be inherently unquantifiable- Who would win in a fight, a grizzly bear, or a tiger? Who cares? I’ll take 4 tickets, please. Now, I know the controversy we generate is based entirely by the idea of comparing fictional villains, and that’s all the fun of what we do here, but we do it for giggles. Nonetheless, it always irked me as a kid when comparisons were drawn between heroes for non-comedic reasons. I always feel like the mathematical and statistical comparisons made my heroes less heroic. Hockey Cards used to do this. In 1989, I could tell you for sure that hometown hero Lanny McDonald was the greatest hockey player of all time, but a quick look at any of the Upper-Deck hockey cards from that era confirms that Gretzky was a pretty good player, actually. I bring this all up because I was bummed out when my 1990 set of Marvel Cards listed every piece of information about all the heroes and villains, and broke them down to sports statistics, compared them to each other, reduced them to , uh, countable stuff.
As such, I thought I should take this battle straight out of the charts-n’-graphs Marvel universe, and run this purely on the numbers! My data can’t be disputed!
Venom, at 6′3″ and 260 lbs, is 1″ taller than Doom, and outweighs him by 35 pounds! If that isn’t a whole weight division or two, I don’t know what is. I really don’t know what is, I am much too nerdy for boxing or mixed martial arts. As an aside, MMA fighting seems a touch too huggy and cuddly to me- you know, lots of rolling on the floor and being sweaty, like a combination of junior high wrestling class and what I imagine sex to be like, if I ever have sex. As of 1990, Doom had a 32% win ratio, whereas Venom has a 36% win ratio. In the Good Doctor’s favour, he has fought 393 battles, and Venom only 115.
Other Factors: Doc Doom has a metal mask, and Venom is a discarded space-unitard.
Despite the various intricacies, I still think heavyweight Venom is going to take this one, because anyone that outweighed me by 35 pounds and smelled like Peter Parker’s sweaty crotch would be a force to be reckoned with. I think Doc Doom probably smells pretty good, he’s European. well, Eastern European, so maybe he smells like sausage. Still, anyone who has ever worn workout clothing knows crotch smells worse than sausage.
Winner: Venom
Loser: Sausage Sales
DAVE
This is a tricky fight, mostly because I’m on vacation this week, and had a lot of trouble finding somewhere to write my post. Thus, it will be short, sweet, and not at all noteworthy.
On the one hand, we have Venom, who is an alien symbiote. I’m assuming whomever wrote the preamble to this week’s smackdown had the sense to define Venom as the Eddie Brock version, because that’s the only one I give a crap about. Venom is a terrible character. He was invented as a way to keep the cool black Spider-Man costume, but he’s a terrible, terrible character. Don’t even get me started on Carnage, et al. Anyone who thinks the next Spider-Man movie should be the Maximum Carnage storyline, you should stop reading this, go to your local comic book store, and ask the owner to introduce you to some ACTUAL quality stories.
Doctor Doom, on the other hand, is pure awesome. The main villain from the Fantastic Four, which served as my introduction to comics, back in the John Byrne days. He’s smart, evil, and encased in metal. Also, he’s awesome. Wait, I said that already.
So, the fat kid in the the Aeropostale shirt is glaring at me, either he needs to use this computer, or he’s a Carnage fan. Short, sweet.
No matter how badass Venom thinks he is, Doom has already thought of 12 ways to defeat him. Venom charges in,Doom pulls out a sonic disruptor, and sonics the crap out of the symbiote until it oozes away. Then he offers Eddie Brock a job. After Brock accepts, Doom blasts him anyway. Evil.
Winner: Dr. Doom
Tony
The problem with a bracket type set up is that invariably there will be some mismatches in which someone gets their ass handed to them. Someone gets utterly humiliated, owned, washed, dried, folded neatly, put away, pulled out again, gang fucked, and then donated to the Salvation Army.
In this particular instance it is a certain alien symbiote you will see hanging next to a 5 dollar tweed jacket. What I’m trying to say here is that Dr. Doom wouldn’t even break a sweat kicking Eddie’s ass. And considering he’s wearing full armor under warm stadium lights that is saying something. He is used to taking on 4 different superpowers at once, with both technology and magic. Venom is, as the kids say, screwed. So instead of my usual scenario based description of the ownage, I present to you a list of ways in which Venom would lose horribly.
Enjoy.
1) Sonics emanate from the armour. Symbiote screams and melts away like Ice cream. Doom strolls over, puts the symbiote in a jar, and punches Eddy in the face with a gauntlet
2) Doom clones Squirrel Girl. Rodent hijinks ensue
3) Venom lunges at Doom, only to run smack into a portal back to the symbiotes home planet. Doom seals the portal, and enjoys a bag of mini donuts while waving at the crowd.
4) Hundreds of doombots reprogrammed to look and behave like Spider-man descend on Venom, who promptly freaks the fuck out
5) Venom hits Doom with a web, and drags his ass across where he can get in close, He takes Doom’s head off with 1 stroke. Nothing but sparks and wires. Doom’s laughter echoes throughout the arena. 500 Dr. Dooms enter…which one is the real one? By the time Venom finds out, he’s dead.
6) Doom pulls a Dr. Strange and summons a demon to keep Brock busy. Even if he lives after that, he’s in no shape to face Doom
7) Doom watches Eddy throw himself uselessly against his force field. Eventually he gets bored and electrocutes him.
8) Doom hits his remote control and Nickleback starts playing from the speakers. Venom runs away in horror, conceding defeat. Yes, Doom would sink that low. He has no scruples.
The combo of genius, technology and the occult is just too much to take for Spider-man on roids. There can be no question that this one goes to Dr. Doom.
Winner :Victor Von Doom
Decision: Victor Von Doom
Next week: Joker vs. Magneto. Come on, admit it, you are intrigued!
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