Superteam Smackdown Week 3: Avengers vs Alpha Flight
Time for some Superteam Smackdown, live from the The Correctness’s new Herodome, located in sunny downtown Newville. The tailgates are up, the beer is cold, the snacks are carby, it’s time for some smackdown! We have 8 classic superhero teams fighting it out to see who can claim the title.
This week, we have The Mighty Avengers, taking on Canada’s own Alpha Flight.
RULES:
-The two day prep, fight in an arena still applies.
-No outside interference from people who are NOT on your team. Ie: No stunts from Franklin and Professor X. Your team is your team and that’s who you’ve got.
-Heroes with Multiple team affiliations can only fight for 1 team
– Only 5 members max per team. Current lineups are based on our choices, as we are awesome.
-Remember, this speculation is based on the TEAM MEMBERS we have assembled. Yes, the results would have been very different if Professor X was on the Team, or Green Lantern, or Martian Manhunter or whomever. But they aren’t, so the results are based on who we’ve got.
The full bracket can be seen here
On to Week 3:
TEAMS
The Avengers (Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, Hawkeye, Wasp)
versus
Alpha Flight (Guardian, Puck, Sasquatch, Shaman, Snowbird)
NB: Last minute lineup change from Giant Man to Wasp. Impact on you the reader: Nary the slightest.
admin_rock:
The 5 player limit is really hurting Alpha Flight here. See, Alpha Flight proper had 7 members (8 with Marina, but she’s terrible, and we’ll stop discussing her right now). That means either we bring in Northstar and Aurora, which means we have to toss out 2 other members, and frankly, that’s tricky. The goal here isn’t to just load up the strongest possible team, but rather to choose one that embodies that team, that is recognizable as that team. So they have to go, as to bring one isn’t true to their nature, or Alpha Flight.
Now, I’m a big fan of the the first 28 issues of Alpha Flight, because they were written and drawn by John Byrne. Byrne was my favorite writer back in the day, and he also is responsible for my affection for the Fantastic Four. After he left Alpha Flight, things got a little stupid. Then a LOT stupid. Then a new level of stupid we’ll just call “Marvel in the 90’s”.
Here’s what I love about Alpha Flight: They’re Canadian. And by that, I mean that not only are they from locations within Canada, places I recognize and know, but they are also the embodiment of Canada as a nation. There’s an idealistic man with ideas and drive, there’s two Quebecois characters with fiery tempers and a love for their province. There’s a medicine men from the First Peoples who struggles with the ways of the old vs the advancement of science and society. There’s a mystical being who is able to call upon the Great Beasts of Canadian mythology. Oh, and Sasquatch, ffs.
Yes, the later issues turned the whole thing in to a big pile of crap, but if there is one thing Byrne does well, (and Claremont ONCE did well, and I’ll save my rant about him for another day, but he really needs to go back and read, say, New Mutants #1 and remember that he used to write stories about his characters, and those characters used to have desires and drives, and issues to tackle, and they didn’t just slowly turn into fucking Wolverine. ooops. Sorry.) it’s creating characters that have stories, and lives, and interest.
Okay, Alpha Flight love fest over.
So, sadly, after all that, they’re WAAAAAAY out of their league here. While they might have had a shot against the X-men, or even the Defenders on any given day, there’s just simply no way they’re going to beat Marvel’s beloved Avengers.
I’m tempted to get in to a lengthy rant about how much I dislike the Avengers, or even one about how they’re this decade’s X-Men with their 54 separate titles (all featuring Wolverine), but I won’t, as I’ve used up my ranting allotment for the week.
So the fight:
Guardian takes to the air, to order his troops about, but is taken down by Iron Man, who hacks into his suit and shuts it down. Hudson is good, but he’s no Tony Stark.
Puck begins tumbling towards Hawkeye, who gets off a couple of arrows, paralyzing Puck’s limbs with ease. However, Puck’s momentum bowls him into Hawkeye and knocks him out.
Wasp flies up and starts attacking Snowbird, who turns herself into a swarm of mosquitos, who drop Wasp like a bad habit.
Sasquatch lumbers over to Thor, and goes a few rounds with him. (Before you scoff, remember that Sasq once went toe to toe with the Hulk, just for kicks.)
Captain America faces off against Shaman, who opens his bag and calls forth some freaky colored (Byrne is color-blind btw) mystical thing that grabs Iron Man out of the air. However, Cap tosses his shield, knocking Shaman over. Shaman scrambles to grab his bag and control the powers within. By the time he does so, he looks up to see Sasquatch with a Mjolnir-shaped lump on his head, out of the fight. Thor spins his hammer and defeats the mystical bag creature.
Thor squares off against Snowbird, god against embodiment of many gods. An epic battle ensues, with Cap and Iron Man pitching in, which Shaman watches, muttering some First Nations type omens. Snowbird is powerful, no doubt, but she can’t take the combined power of the Avengers. She is overwhelmed. Shaman looks at his defeated team, and sits cross legged in the centre of the arena, surrendering to the Avengers.
Winner: Avengers, John Byrne
RobbieRobTown
Ah, yes, Avengers versus the enigmatic Alpha Flight. An All American team of heavies versus a Canadian team that nearly 4 Canadians are familiar with. You guys know me by now, and you know that I had read a ton of Alpha Flight to get ready for this event. I came ready to complain, but Alpha Flight was written and drawn by John Byrne during his best years, and I swear to Christ, I actually liked the first 8 issues of Alpha Flight.
Enough has been said about Captain America, and regular visitors to our site know I don’t find him boring in the slightest, as long as by “not boring in the slightest” you are clear that what I really mean is “immensely boring”
Depending on who you ask, Thor is either the god of thunder, or a garden variety schizophrenic street Viking. Get out of my garbage, street Vikings! Let’s say he the son of Odin. Thor is one of 3 Norse gods who get to have a day of the week named after them, so that’s pretty sweet, and Loki didn’t get a day. Although, Odin gets “hump day”, so good on him. Too bad Thor’s day is in between Odin and his wife, calendar wise. I know what you are about to ask, and I think this discussion COULD POSSIBLY affect the outcome of this fight.
Lots of the other Avengers are “interesting”, but before moving on, I would like to ask what the hell kind of last name “Pym” is, and I’m curious to find out why a guy would choose to be tiny first, and only later huge. I ask for because a friend wants to know how a tiny guy can be compelling… narratively…friend…. I’m worried about my penis size.
Guardian, formerly “Vindicator”, has no powers, really, so he’s not so different from Hawkeye, except Hawkeye sucks. What Guardian does have is a suit that gives him powers like Magneto, and he also has a hot redhead wife, so he should automatically have the support of TBinns.
Defeating Aurora may prove tricky. If you’ve met any French Canadian women, they are typically large eyed, pouty lipped creatures that know EXACTLY how to dress for their body type. That combined with the fiery Gallic temperament and the disarming lower class French accent, and you’ve got your hands full…of boobs… If you’ll excuse me, I’m booking a vacation to Montreal.
Shaman got some bad news about his dying wife at the Chinook Medical Centre in my hometown, and I shop at the mall that has grown up around that building, so I feel connected to that dude. Every time I buy a V neck sweater at the Gap, I think I might have mystical powers.
Oh, and talking head to head, Snowbird is also the child of a god, so she and Thor might actually be an interesting match.
The way I see this fight going down is like this: By weight.
Nobody reads either of these books. Calculating the mass of unsold issues of both Alpha Flight and The Avengers, and creating a ratio based on their intended audience, uh, some mathy stuff, and I think the Avengers probably had a smaller intended per capita audience and similar distribution, so they survive based on being low impact.
Of course, by declaring the Avengers the winner, I’m going to have to read fucking all the early Avengers. Yay.
Tbinns
Very exciting! I’ve been waiting for this one…
So Alpha Flight shows up 10 minutes late because they stopped at Tim Hortons…The Avengers are tense, waiting for them to finish their double doubles, and wondering why they haven’t been offered a Timbit, (“I though Canadians were supposed to be polite” Iron Man mutters) when suddenly, Guardian flies up into the air, Tony Stark flies up to meet him and….
Uh….
No.
No, I can’t do it.
I have been very good so far. I always take the fights reasonably seriously. Try and weigh the pros and cons the best I can, try not to get into off topic rants, do my Wiki based research on anyone I am not to familiar with.
But I cannot and will not give a flying fuck about Alpha Flight, and you can’t make me.
Here in Canada, we have something called Canadian content laws…they apply to television and radio. It allows Canadian artists to not be overshadowed by their better funded rivals to the south by guaranteeing them a certain percentage of airtime regardless of quality. In the case of Rush, the Tragically Hip and the Trews, this is a good thing. In the case of Trooper, Anne Murray and Nickleback…not so much.
Alpha Flight is like Trooper. People liked them for a time in the early 80’s but now they are kind of a punchline. (Wolverine = Rush btw. That’s right. Rush. I said it. I stand by it.Both are Canadian, full of awesomesauce and geeks love them) I refuse to like Nickleback JUST because they are from Alberta, and I refuse to pretend to like Alpha Flight just because they are Canadian.
On the one side of the stadium you have Thor , Cap, Iron Man, Hawkeye and Wasp that is at least a three to two ratio of awesome. And they are taking on a dwarf bouncer, a Native Canadian Dr. Strange rip off, The Wondertwins, and Guardian. Hey Guardian, I didn’t like Captain Canuck the first time. He gets his powers from his tights? Really? What are you the Greatest Canadian Hero? And Sasquatch. Great. Fresh off the set of the Six Million Dollar man remake, I’m guessing.
Anyway back to the fight. I guess.
Guardian flies up, Iron Man flies up to meet him.
“Timbit?” says Guardian
“About time” says Iron Man.
They hover and munch and make polite chit chat… At the end of it, Iron Man says “You know we are going to pound you into a fine paste.”
“Not so my friend” chortles Guardian. That’s right, he’s so lame he actually “chortles” on a regular basis. “Our little conflict here reminds me of the War of 1812. I need not remind you that in that little skirmish, we did, in fact burn down the White house. And your many attempts to invade were consistently repelled by the forces of his Majesty, Now, lest we forget, at the time our fair land was actually two separate colonies, Upper and Lower Canada, the whole thing is quite facina…
Repulsor blast to the face. Crowd cheers.
The only one who doesn’t COMPLETELY get his ass kicked is Sasquatch, who fights so valiantly, the Avengers ask to take a picture with him after the fight, but for some reason it turns out blurry.
Winner: Avengers
Loser: My National Pride
DECISION: The Avengers
It’s a clean sweep for the Avengers…somewhere in Hollywood, Joss Whedon is smiling and doesn’t quite know why. Curious about X-men vs. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen? Me too. I guess you’ll just have to come back next Friday to find out. In the meantime the talkbacks are below. Let em rip.
“What can men do against such reckless hate?”
-Theoden, The Two Towers
