Superhero Smackdown: week 4 Hulk vs Hellboy
Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? It’s a 16 superhero smackdown to find one final winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome.
Hulk Versus Hellboy
Rob: Why I agree to go first is beyond me. This time I’m coming right out in the open- That’s right, I’m coming out of the nerd closet. I only know The Hulk because of the TV show, and I know Hellboy because I saw the sequel- that’s right, the sequel- ONLY the sequel. At the time I was missing Conner Oberst at the folk fest when I saw the Hellboy movie, and I was in a pissy mood, and I’m in a pissy mood this week anyways, and all I really want to do is be a dancer but you people are holding me back YOU ARE ALL HOLDING ME BACK! I hope you can tell that I am storming off into my virtual room, and slamming the virtual door, and listening to the Smiths, or whatever the fuck, like, I dunno, the Dashboard Confessionals, or whatever. In fact, I’m probably virtually listening to Weezer’s Pinkerton because I’m in such a virtual iMood, which, at least compared to the Dashboard Confessional Booths or whatever they are, is an enjoyable album. I am graceful! DANCER!
I happen to know for a fact that all Lou Ferrigno wanted to be was a dancer, and all Bill Bixby wanted to be was Lou Ferrigno. And you know what? The Incredible Hulk was on TV before the A Team on some channel in Regina, Saskatchewan in the 80’s , and I spent every episode building ziplines and mountains for a bunch of plastic army guys using scotch tape, and string, and blankets. Furthermore, I remember the clock radio was pink, and I thought it was cool, and if that makes me gay then screw it, I’m a big gay pink clock radio lover. Why wasn’t I out in the backyard, or at Wascana Park? No idea, I wasted my life. Don’t even get me started on the Ang Lee movie, I couldn’t even bring myself to rent it. Oh, and before I get even more off topic, I always thought Lou Ferrigno and Bill Bixby were the same guy, I was young enough to buy the stupid illusion, it never occurred to me they weren’t the same size, and sometimes when my cotton shirts are old, i tear them off in front of my mirror. I’ve even done that with some threadbare boxer shorts to weird effect.
Okay, Hellboy wins, because Hulk is retarded, and Hellboy is only kinda dumb. Hellboy would be able to use some kinda dumb strategy, and Hulk would just smash stuff. I know you are going to tell me Hulk isn’t dumb now, and I don’t even care, though, I do care about the fact that Guillermo del Toro is a great director, so that’s another reason for him to win.
Runner up: The A Team
Winner: Hellboy
Dave: On the surface, this one seems like it could be close. Two incredibly strong behemoths, known for raw strength and stamina. One a wise-cracking sawhorned Beast of the Apocalypse, the other a brilliant scientist with a traumatic childhood.
Hellboy’s Pros: Hellboy is capable of extreme cunning, and might be able to figure out a situation that would be to his advantage, to lure the Hulk into a trap of some kind. He does possess a healing factor, and that massive hand. He has some big guns.
Hulk’s Pros: He’s the god-damned Hulk. He has almost limitless strength, insane stamina, and the angrier he gets, the stronger he gets. He doesn’t even seem to have any real weaknesses (a la Kryptonite).
Hulk takes this one without question. I cannot imagine a situation that would result in a win for Hellboy.
Winner: Hulk
Tony:
Hellboy: Hey, Banner! (pulls out the Samaritan) I got some anger management for ya! (Shoots Hulk. Bounces off him like the bullets were circus peanuts)
Hulk: Red man try to hurt HULK? HULK WILL SMASH THE RED MAN!!!!!!!!!!!
Hellboy: Awww crap.
So begins this earth shattering clash of otherworldly bruisers. But before I engage in my speculation, how about a round of applause for Rob everyone? Give him your derision. Apparently he’s begging for it. Also, lets set up a few parameters here. In setting the scene, lets assume (for my purposes anyway) that the police have evacuated about 10 city blocks and sent Hellboy in to deal with the rampaging Hulk. That means cars will be thrown, buildings will crumble, Hellboy has places to hide, rest, plan attacks if he needs to. I should also point out who exactly we are dealing with here.
Hulk has had more colours than Rainbow Bright, and various levels of intelligence, and levels of malevolence. For my purposes I’m dealing with classic Green “Hulk Smash”, dumb ass, savage, madder he gets stronger he gets Hulk. As for Hellboy, he is going in alone, sans team, but armed. And by armed I mean fire arms, not some ancient Babylonian Relic of a God named Deus Ex Machina that has the power to knock the Hulk unconscious, or magic bullets that will calm him down etc. I came for a fight and God dammit I’m going to get one!!!
Now Hellboy is used to dealing with things that are bigger than he is. No matter how badass he is, somehow he’s always the underdog. And there is some part of him that likes it that way. And no matter what happens it usually comes down to him wading in and throwing that big stone fist around.
I think he would ring the Hulks bell quite a few times. He may even manage to knock him off his feet once or twice. But he better enjoy it, because the more he succeeds in knocking the Hulk around, the madder the Hulk will get, the stronger he will get. In fact, I’d be willing to say that if it went on long enough, the Hulk, who once threw Thor’s hammer, which he is NOT supposed to be able to do AT ALL might even crack/shatter the right hand of doom itself. Hellboy would get a nice up close view of the surrounding buildings as he was thrown through several of them, and perhaps had one thrown on top of him.Tough as he is, Hellboy is going to run out of juice before the Hulk is
Sorrry Hellboy. We are giving this one to the Hulk
THE WINNER: The Incredible Hulk
THE LOSER: Hellboy and the surrounding 10 city blocks.
So Hulk smashes his way to a win by a 2 to 1 margin. as you can see , we have dropped Aquaman from Wolvies bracket in favour of Spawn, and those two will face off next week. Also we’ve had quite a bit of feedback urging us to drop Robin. We are willing to do that, so please feel free to leave a suggestion for a replacement vs. Kitty Pryde.
Thanks for joining us. Let your righteous indignation be heard below.
