Superhero Smackdown Quarter Finals: Kitty Pryde vs. Wolverine
- Superhero Smackdown!
Friday Night Fight!
Here at The Correctness SportsishNetwerkkz, we offer our be-all-end-all absolutely correct answers on which superheroes would win in a fight. Marvel? DC? Watchmen as distributed by DC? Spongebob Squarepants? We’re in the second of four quarterfinal matches to determine the winner! The playoffs continue this week in the Pengrowth Deathdrome. Our thirst for blood is growing like a daisy that grows on blood.
QuarterFinal: Wolverine vs Shadowcat
(ED: For the Quarterfinals and beyond, we assume the combatants have some knowledge of the others existence and powers. We assume they have about 2 days notice of the impending battle.)
DAVE
The hardest of the fights so far, student vs mentor. Kitty spent a lot of time under Logan’s wing, and knows a lot about how he operates. She’s an extremely intelligent woman, and a skilled fighter. She was trained in the ways of the ninja and can hold her own in a fight. She’s a great tactician, and has a fire breathing dragon for a pet. Oh, and she can walk through walls and make things incorporeal.
Wolverine is the embodiment of fierceness and aggression. He’s been in more scraps than most (way more), and has seen a lot of things in his day. With the near-unbreakable skeleton and the healing factor, he’s very difficult to stop. He doesn’t quit, he has tons of stamina, and claws that can cut through pretty much anything.
here’s how this plays out:
Kitty walks out into the middle of an abandoned lot, kneels on the ground and waits. Logan walks up.
LOGAN: Heya kiddo. How ya keeping.
KITTY: I’m good Logan. You?
LOGAN: Can’t complain. Look, I don’t like this any more than you, but this is the way it has to go down. I’m sorry darlin’, I love you. (pops claws) Snikt.
KITTY: No Logan. You’re wrong. That’s not how it’s going down.
LOGAN: Look kid, you know and I know there’s no way that you can hurt me, and you can’t phase through me without hurting yourself.
KITTY: You know Logan, you’re the best fighter I know, and you’re right, there is no way I can phase through you, or outfight you. That’s why I brought this. (Opens hand, showing a small cylinder with a red button on the top).
LOGAN: You’re gonna blow us up?
KITTY: (with a tear in her eye). Nope. CLICK
Kitty presses the button and phases underground. At the same time, a tremendous thrumming noise is heard, and part of a nearby wall crumbles away, revealing a 2 story high supermagnet. Logan looks, confused, then his eyes widen and he is launched through the air, slamming into the magnet, where he remains, immobile.
Kitty reappears, walks over to the magnet, and smiles at Logan.
KITTY: I have this sword made of Antarctic Vibranium, which we both know can liquify your adamantium skeleton. But we also both know I’m not going to use it. In fact, in order for me to win this battle, I’d have to hurt you, which we both know I’m not going to do. So here it is: I yield.
LOGAN: What? But, you have me where you want me.
KITTY: Logan, that magnet can’t hold you forever. In fact, it’s drawing so much power, the neighborhood is already starting to brown out. Like everyone, you underestimated me. My plan was never to beat you. It was to make sure you didn’t beat me. I don’t really want to die.
LOGAN: So you’re giving up?
KITTY: Listen, when I heard we had to fight, I did some research. The website was ridiculously easy to break in to, and I saw the previous decisions, and the upcoming bracket. I’ve seen what’s coming, and if anyone has a chance from our universe, it’s you. By virtue of that, and the fact that I can’t actually win, I give up.
The magnet stops, Logan falls to the ground.
LOGAN: So what now?
KITTY: You have to win. By the rules, you have to incapacitate me. You just needed a little reminder of what could have happened if you ever piss me off.
Logan smiles
LOGAN: You’re one hell of a woman, kiddo.
KITTY: I had a great teacher. No bruises on the face, please.
Logan cuffs Kitty across the back of the head. She slumps down, unconscious.
Winner: Wolverine
ROB:
Oh my holy-fuck-in-a-bucket, Dave, that was the gayest thing you have ever penned. Like, I know you wrote “Admin_Rock’s Guide to the Gayest Shit You’ll Ever Hear In Your Life” but that limited run self publication was not even 1/4 as gay as this. And I don’t mean schoolyard gay, I mean homosexual. And, just to be perfectly clear, I know, and am friends with many homosexual individuals, and that traipse through the daisies you shat upon our website was stereotype-reinforcing gay. The kind of gay that Broadway wishes it wasn’t sometimes so that people wouldn’t criticize them for being too gay.
Now, on to my highly relevant stats from my 1990 Marvel cards:
Kitty Pryde, AKA Shadowcat, is 5’4″, which is an inch taller than Logan is. That’s right Marvel says so. Advantage, Kitty.
Logan, apparently weighs only 195 pounds, which means adamantium is an unusually light metal, and possibly an alkali metal, and possible reactive when exposed to water, or his own innards. Logically, Wolverine can’t exist because of the incontrovertible scientific evidence that adamantium is just like cesium. . I know what you are thinking, how come adamantium is unrealistic, but a teenage babe turned young adult heroin who can become incorporeal is okay? Because, that’s why. Advantage, Kitty
As of 1990, Kitty had a 57% win ratio, whereas Wolvie had a 64% win ratio in battles. Wolvie usually fights Marvel’s most sinister bad guys, and they never face the really tough guys off against Kitty. Logicaly, they never make Kitty Pryde fight the awesomest super villains because she would kick too much ass. Advantage, Kitty.
Here is how this goes down.
1. Kitty and Wolverine fight, even though they have no reason to.
2. Kitty phases Logan’s adamantium-bone-free penis right off his body.
3. A suddenly wangless Wolverine must painfully attempt to re-heal his doodle, using his XXX healing factor.
Plus, I’ve been saying you can’t hit something that isn’t there. Sure, adamantium might be troubling for Kitty, and cause her great pain, but she is fighting to the totally non-gay death (Admin Rock?) and some short term pain would still allow her to phase Wolvie into the centre of the earth, which is seriously magnetic, and short on oxygen.
Also, adamantium would surely melt at centre-of-the-earth, because they left adamantium in a open topped forge in the Wolverine prequel, so it must melt at just over room temperature, or with common household or industrial heating devices. In fact, based on the science of the recent Wolverine flick, Kitty could just point her hair dryer at Logan, and his adamantium skeleton would melt- Otherwise, he would have evaporated that whole tank of water they built him in, right? I mean, it HAS to have a melting point below the boiling point of water. Healing factor aside, if something gets hotter than the boiling point of water, it makes the water heat up and boil. No?
Finally, at no point was Ellen Page cast to play Wolverine, and that is where my real alliance is.
Winner: By Belief in the Great Radioactive Lantern: Kitty “Shadowcat” Pryde.
Loser: The writers of the Wolverine prequel.
- TONY
The real question here is, how do we get these two to fight? We didn’t come here to watch these two catch up on old times, then team up to beat the rest of the brackets. (Or did we…? That might actually be more fun) No dammit we came here for a fight!
So maybe Wolverine makes fun of Twilight which engenders rage in many young women , or Kitty makes fun of the opening number in the Oscars and makes a few gay jokes. Maybe mind control, or some such thing, it doesn’t matter. For our purposes we need them to fight and they are going to, so spare us the “They would never fight each other” shtick.
There has been some mention of Kitty being unable to phase when she’s wet. This opens up a bunch of opportunities for plenty of inappropriate jokes (I guess she couldn’t phase during a Jonas Brother’s concert, for instance) and it would also be a very short fight if Aquaman was still in the bracket. But my research didn’t really turn anything up about her losing her abilities in water. I did read something in the comments section about Sentinels dousing her with heavy water, which even if it didn’t stop her phasing would definitely do her in. 10 years later, but still, pretty insidious. I also read that she has trouble phasing through adamantium
Aha!
Now one of the ways Wolverine can die is suffocation, so grab and phase into the earth… Boom,! Wolvie all done. BUT IF she has trouble phasing adamantium, she would have trouble phasing his entire skeletal structure. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, and saying she could phase him, she can only go down into the earth as long as she could hold her breath. And adamantium claws are pretty good for digging your way out of tight spots I should think. Plus if they are both phased, one assumes he can hit her which is what I was saying back at the Deadpool fight.
Bottom line, if adamantium causes her pain when she phases through it, We can assume that the claws will do some damage,(Although not as much as someone who couldn’t phase out) while she has no real way to hurt someone with such a MASSIVE healing factor.
And besides, I don’t even think she won the last fight. Come to think of it, I voted for Spawn to beat Wolverine in the last bracket too. Shows you what I know. And also that nobody around here listens to me.
I’m definitely giving this to Wolverine.
Winner: Wolverine
DECISION: WOLVERINE
So Wolverine moves on to the next round, as the last best hope for the Marvel Universe. Tune in next week to see whether he takes on Superman or Wonder Woman.
