8 Simple Rules for Making a Superman Movie
an Open Letter to Zack Snyder
Dear Zack
You would think it would be the easiest thing in the world to get right, but no one has made a decent Superman movie since the early 80’s. (It’s a fact of SCIENCE!!) Everyone knows what Superman does. Everyone knows what he’s like. And yet, no one seems to be able to get it right. Well The Correctness is here to help, so pay attention …
1. Get the Character Right:
Superman is the most powerful being on earth, but that’s not what makes him a hero. What makes him a hero is what he does with these powers. I know a lot of people prefer the Batman/Wolverine style of anti-hero, but the landscape is so littered with these Eastwood wanna be’s that the real straight arrows like Captain America and Superman are the exception rather than the rule. In a way…it’s almost reversed, and now Superman breaks the mold and is, in effect an Anti-hero. This is a man who respects his elders, doesn’t lie, doesn’t curse. There is a reason why they call him “The Big Blue Boyscout” Don’t re-invent him, and try and make him darker or hipper. I got news for you NOBODY from a small town in Kansas is hip. Don’t make him an angsty teen, don’t make him a serial stalker with an illegitimate child. What makes him awesome is that a man who could easily crush mankind underfoot spends at least some of his time pulling cats out of trees, and helping old ladies cross the street. He has enough angst just being THAT guy, you don’t need a new angle on it.
2. More Action Please
Superman the Motion Picture was one of the first movies to take a comic book character at least somewhat seriously and made a movie on an epic scale. Which is great, but unfortunately that included a rather stately pace that Superman Returns took a lot of cues from. I think there is room in a Superman movie for at least three big action set pieces, and a couple of smaller ones (I say one big “ rescue Lois” sequence, and two big “Fight” Sequences, punctuated by catching a couple regular crooks along the way). I don’t mean that Michael Bay should direct a Superman movie, but we could certainly kick it up a notch
3. We Don’t Need No Stinkin Origin Story
This isn’t Thor or Iron man, this is an icon. Everyone knows the story. Let’s not waste precious time on Krypton, and teen years, or ANY of that stuff. Get a good story and dive right in.
4. Let Lex Sit This One Out
By all means IMPLY that he’s behind all of the shenanigans, hell you could even mention him by name, but build him up and save him for the sequel. Make him a real threat, establish a presence before you actually see him. He is Superman’s greatest enemy…stop making him into a clown. Ever heard of a guy called Braniac? I think he would do nicely, don’t you?
5. Superman Needs to Fight Something HUGE at the End
I cannot stress this enough. Not only does he have to fight this giant thing, he has to get his ass handed to him. He has to dig deep and outsmart whatever this thing is, and save lives by using the skills the Kent’s taught him instead of what the Sun gives him. This should be balls out, jaw dropping mega fight. We have the technology to do it, so why have we not seen this yet?
6. Put Her In It Somewhere
Even if it’s just for a few minutes. Make it happen.
7. DO. NOT. CHANGE. THE. SUIT!!!
For fucks sake. Nobody wants to see THIS!
or THIS
Edward Superhands
Take the original design and find a way to make it work. Hollywood is full of talented costume people, it’s not that hard. Red cape. Blue Tights. Logo on the front.
Jesus.
8. Use Comic Relief Wisely and Sparingly
I am totally okay with Jimmy Olsen being used for OCCASIONAL comic relief. The odd quip from Perry White would be just fine. Hell, I’d even enjoy Lois cracking wise. But do NOT make Luthor your comic relief. Nor should you saddle him with sidekicks to provide the comedy. No Gay Robots, no Otis, no whatever the hell Parker Posey was. If you have to create a character for the specific purposes of lightening things up…chances are you don’t need that character.
So there you go. 8 Simple Rules. Oh wait… No Nicholas Cage. At All. Ever. 9 simple rules. OH and cut down on the slow motion shit. 10 simple rules. You know what Zack, why don’t you just call me and we’ll straighten this whole thing out, Okay?
Great.
You are welcome.
