“Why I Hate the Batman” by Bane
The Correctness has obtained an exclusive piece of viral marketing for the upcoming “Dark Knght Rises” Here is a transcript of a recording that Bane made and broadcasts at a vital point in the movie. WARNING! SPOILERS!!
Open Letter to a Customer and a Clerk at Best Buy, and to The Deutsche Grammophon Company
Dear Customer:
I am writing to apologize. While you too were spending your Friday night at the Best Buy perusing BluRay discs, you at least were in the company of two openly nerdy friends, whereas I was alone, and listening in. Also, I was gassy, so if you detected a smell coming from A-D, I was having a reaction to Aeon Flux.
When your two openly nerdy friends (A nerd couple! A rarity!) asked if anyone had seen THX 1138 you described it as weird. This description was apt, and totally fair. I am apologizing because of my unnecessary commentary. Without looking up at any of you, I added, simplistically: “I am forced to agree. It is super weird.”
Open Letter from Che Guevera to Future Generations
Dear Future generations,
I am flattered and deeply honored that young people, and people of many ages have come to afford me a somewhat iconic status. I do not wish to appear ungrateful, and I am glad I have been chosen as the unofficial face of revolutionary politics.
However, I feel I must tell you that I did not bust my ass fighting government forces in the stinking hot Cuban countryside so my face could be worn on the chest of every douchebag who heard a Rage Against the Machine album.
Two Open Letters of Complaint
1:
Dear Kellogg’s:
You are no doubt aware that you are the manufacturer of Frosted Flakes. If you are not aware of this fact, you should be. I am going to presume you are, indeed, aware. Of this fact. You guys make Frosted Flakes. Your “Frosted Flakes”, which are puffed corn of some variety or another, have the unlikely mascot of an anthropomorphic tiger, who wears a scarf for some reason. This he does, and I can only surmise, because Tony is a gang member, or possibly a barnstormer.
An open letter to Jim Carrey in regards to Emma Stone, who, as yet, has not entered the contest to win a date with me.
Jim:
A while back here on my comedy website thing, which is highly regarded by my mom, I invited Emma Stone to enter the “Win a Date with RobbieRobTown” contest. She did not enter then, nor has she submitted an entry since I reopened the contest earlier this summer. To be fair, Emma Stone hasn’t the foggiest idea who I am, or if I am charming, homicidal, or both. So, to preface this letter without any further speculation, I am not writing this to tell you to keep your mitts offa my lady, as such a statement would be untrue, sexist, and incalculably fucktarded.
An Open Letter from God to Harold Camping
Memo from: God Almighty
To: Harold Camping
Re: The Rapture
Dear Harold,
Do I go to your crappy radio station and start telling you how to do your job? Then why, Harold, do you insist on telling me how to do mine?