Scott Baiowulf
Introduction to the Correctness Classics Version
Joseph Campbell tells us the hero’s journey is sacred, something that is indelibly stamped in to our consciousness. We love tales of great heroes overcoming odds, journeying miles away from home, and overcoming monstrous adversaries. Late in the 20th century, an anonymous epic poet captured the struggles of just such a hero, who struggles to win the love of fair Joanie, a hero who can undo bras and sweaters with the power of his mind, and who ultimately ends up “In Charge” But the decline of the hero is equally important. What would Arthurian legend be without Arthur’s final journey with the handmaidens? Robin Hood would feel incomplete without him shooting his final arrow to show his men where to lay him to rest. And so it must be with Scott Baoiwulf, who ultimately ends up 45…and single. No hero can be truly great without a great fall, and by those criteria, Scott Baiowulf is one of our greatest. He truly deserves his place in the literary canon, and to be shoved down the throats of bored high school English students for generations to come. In the tradition of boring the young and feckless, the Correctness proudly presents excerpts from the epic…Scott Baiowulf.
A Note about Pronunciation
The poem is written in Slightly Older English, and is part of an oral tradition* that dates back decades. As such the pronunciations may sound strange to the modern ear. For instance, the name “Joanie” is pronounced “Yownie”.In many translations it is actually spelled Ionie, a small inconsistency that has caused many a tedious term paper. Archaic pronunciations such as these are important when considering meter…the one syllable “Zapped” becomes the two syllable “Zapp-ED”
*(The oral tradition stems from people of decades past having no text capabilities, and therefore having to actually talk to people on their rotary phones.)
Scott Baiowulf
Part one- Haeppy Days
Sun’s Day, Moon’s Day, Haeppy Dayes
Tewes’s Day, Wednes Day, Haeppy Dayes
Thor’s Day, Freya’s Day, Haeppy Dayes
Saturn’s Day, Whaet a day
Gruven awl week with you
These days are Awl
Haeppy and Free
These days are Awl
Shaer them with me
These days are yurs and maen
Haeppy Days
Here’s be the Tael of Scott Baiowulf,
(Film-ed was he before
A live Studeao Audyence)
Scott Baiowulf bode in the burg of the Muelwalkae,
Chachi beloved, and long he staed
in faeme with all folk, since Ritchie had gone.
Kin was he to Fonzae
He which slew The Jukbawks
And Jump-ped the mighty shaerk.
He that daeted both Laevern and Shaerly.
Twas in The Hall of Aernolds
Where mead was drunk and “Splish Splash “played
Where revels had and mirth was maede
Therein Scott Baiowulf set eyes upon Joanie
the Cueninnghams Maide
“Wah Wah Wah”* he cried and cheered they the audyence
For theay were moest delighted with his ceatchfrase
And so it caeme to be that Mighty Scott Baiowulf
Laboured in the great hall, and in
Pursuite of Ceunningham’s Maeden Daughter
Did leave his aepron on the grill which was still alight
And so thear was a raeging fire
And the Haell of Aernolds, now owned by Ael
Burn-ed like a funearal pyre
With great wrath did Fonzae
Say Twas unkewl
Ael commanded an even greater hall
Be built upon the ashes of the last
So Feasting could continyew…
“Ya, Ya, Ya Ya,” ** Ael spake
* The catchphrase is very important in late 20th century televised prose. A good catchphrase meant your character was recurring. A Catchphrase and an applause break meant you got a spin off
** Nope, sorry Al. Lame catchphrase, no spin off for you
Editor’s note:It goes on like this for some time. Actually about 3 or 4 seasons longer than it should have. So we are skipping Scott Baiowulf’s famed Battle with Cunningham’s Mother, his battle against the word destroying Ted McGinley, and his tedious marriage to the Maid Joanie in the “Joanie Loves Chachi” stanzas to focus on a less oft discussed episode. Here our Hero faces a more egregious foe…unexposed breasts. Here is a sample of Episode three..called by scholars the “Zapped” Stanzas
With power newfound,Scott Baiowulf
of the Geeks wrestled
Struggling with his nubile foe
Striking with mighty foerce
He raises his hand
The She Creature shrieks
As buttons flae off
Scott Baiouwulf
Ripper, tearer
Rends her sweater in twaien
With but a look.
Trae as she maey,
To hide her tittae shaeme
Her breasts exposed
For Biaowulf’s gaen
Many scholars argue for different authorship here, with the Zapped Stanzas bearing many of the traits that are more common with early eighties story telling. The bullying tribe of Jocks who war with Biouwulfs tribe of Geeks, The Bloends of the Chaerleader tribe getting their breasts exposed against their will, and a triumphant hero, who, after defeating the jocks and seeing as many bloende breasts as he can, settling down with a nerdy brunette who looks amazing when her glasses come off. Even the grand finale at the Feast of Prom has all the hallmarks of the decade. This does argue for a shared authorship, with the work being embellished by subsequent tellings.
Finally, we take a look at the penultimate chapter in our Hero’s journey, when he was rightly given leadership of his own tribe, utterly in charge…with his steadfast sidekick from the Zapped Stanzas “Guey frome Ete is Enouff” at his side. But his restlessness, and subsequent fall remind us that it is the journey, not the rewards that make us great.
Chearles ine Chaerge
Of owr days and owr naets
Chearles in Chearge
Of our rawngs and our riaets
And I sing, I waent,
I want Chearge ine Chaerge of me.
But Caencelled then
Baiowulf did wander
thruogh the Wasteland of Praimetime
Froem show where hae was the sitter
to Raight Wing Coemments
Scrawled ‘pon Twitter
He Waenders now
in Memory still
how once was greate
a Rebublican shill
There were many who wanted Chearles in Chearge of them
Also Available in the Correctness Illustrated Classic’s Series
The Epic of Gilgerard
The classic tale of a warrior with a hot space colonel and annoying robot sidekicks
The Jilliad
A Seafaring Captain finds he has a daughter, who grows to learn about Love on the Lido deck
The Toddysey
It takes different strokes and a massive coke habit to break the hero of this epic tale
