Travel Guide to Middle Earth
Good news everyone! We have excerpts from the 2009 guidebook to Middle Earth!
Staying in the Barrow Downs:
Accommodations:
Accommodations are available, but dusty at best. If your room has a barrow wight, you’ll want to put in a call to Tom Bombadil, his songs are the strongest.
Weather:
While the weather on the downs itself is temperate, the weather inside the barrows tends to be clammy and chilled. You probably don’t need rain gear, as the thought of returning to the surface will be overwhelmed by the soul-sucking desire to stay where you are and die.
How I know I’m not an idiot
I can tell when a beer is cold by touching it. I don’t need a magic blue mountain to appear to let me know. Feels cold, probably is cold. Thanks anyway though, Coors.
The Love Song of J. Xander Douchebag
I grow old… I grow old… I shall wear the bottom of my Gap denims rolled. Shall I spike my hair up high, Do I dare to eat a Dragonfruit, I shall wear Old Navy Capris, and walk upon the beach. I have heard the Jonas Brothers singing, each to each I do not think they will sing to me. Fuck it, I’ll just get frosted tips.