The Other Gift of the Magi
By Tbinns
(The scene is just a few feet away from the manger in Bethlehem. The three Wisemen, Balthazar, Melchior and Gaspar., are waiting for their turn to see the infant. Balthazar has a small chest that is apparently quite heavy. Melchior has a large swinging ornamental piece chock a block with some fragrant scent bringing substances.. Gaspar has a giant Teddy bear. The barn is small, and already crowded with Shepherds, so the Wise men are waiting in an orderly line up. Gaspar, on the very end strikes up some conversation)
GAS: Soooo…. What did everybody get the little tyke?
BAL: I have gold.
GAS: Ha ha, No seriously, what’s in the box?
(Balthazar shows him)
GAS: Wow…that’s uhh…that’s great. Amazing. It’s uhh…a little over the top though, I mean, it’s a baby shower. (Pause) In a barn, I’m just saying. What did YOU bring?
MEL: Frankincense.
GAS: Oh…well that makes a little more sense, it can’t smell too good in there. The shepherds alone would be eye watering never mind the animals, right? Still, I mean that stuff is pretty expensive…how much did you…? (He has a look) That is a TON. Wow.
(There is an awkward pause. Gaspar is starting to feel a bit uncomfortable with his choice of gift. He feels the need to justify it)
GAS: Still, a kid is a kid right? No point in over thinking it.( He shakes the big teddy)
BAL: This is no ordinary child.
GAS: Oh really? Oh that’s too bad. Too many toes or…?
MEL: This is the child we have been waiting for, he will lead us out of the darkness!
BAL: This is the most important child in the history of mankind!
GAS: Really?
BAL: Yes, the astrology has foretold his coming
MEL: Didn’t you follow the star ?
GAS: I just followed you guys, you were dressed up I figured we were all going to the same place. This is Mary’s baby shower right?
MEL: Yes, and the Child is the Blessed son of God.
GAS: (Pause) You’d think that would be the sort of thing they might mention on an invitation. Hey maybe you should stand at the back that way we can sort of build up to the gold…
(Balthazar nods in the direction of the Manger)
BAL: I’m up next, wish me luck!!! (He exits)
GAS: He doesn’t need luck he’s got gold. (He looks at his Teddy bear again) Oh Godddammit! (he throws it down and exits , frantically left)
(Melchior straightens his clothes, checks his breath. Balthasar re-enters in a huff)
MEL: That was fast!
BAL: Unbelievable.
MEL: What happened?
BAL: I just carried 10 pounds of gold for miles across the desert. I braved bandits, sandstorms, not to mention the extra weight. I lay a box of PURE GOLD at this woman’s feet, and what do I get? WHAT DO I GET?
MEL: What?
BAL: “Thanks. OOOOHHH Look that little boy is going to play the drum!!! Look everyone, he’s playing the drum!!”
MEL: Man. If they didn’t like the gold , what chance do I have?
BAL: YOU SUCK, KID!
MEL: Hey, hey take it easy, take it easy!
BAL: You’re up…
MEL: Aww crap.
(He exits off. There is a small pause. Then he comes back and grabs the discarded teddy bear, and takes that as well. Gaspar reenters, out of breath)
BAL: Hey.
GAS: Hey.
BAL: Where did you go?
GAS: I went uh…you know, get something else.
BAL: What did you get.
GAS: I got this jar of myrrh.
BAL: Myrrh? That’s embalming oil.
GAS: Yeah, but it’s the really high end stuff.
BAL: You are giving embalming fluid to an infant?
GAS: Well, It’s all I could find! It’s Christmas, everything is closed!
(Mel reenters still holding his gifts, speaking off)
MEL: No it’s fine, really, I kept the receipt. It’s no problem!
BAL: What happened?
MEL: Allergies.
GAS: Hey that Teddy Bear was MINE!
MEL: Went over like a lead camel. Trust me I did you a favour.
BAL: You’re up slugger. Good luck with the embalming fluid.
MEL: Enbalm..?
GAS: It’s Myrrh! Myrrh dammit. Besides, it’s the thought that counts. (He storms off)
BAL: I remembered now why I never go to these things.
MEL: Could be worse, they could start playing those dumb ass parlor games.
BAL: True enough, but I just came 800 miles on a camel to give them a pile of gold, would it kill them to put out a sandwich tray?
MEL: Forget the sandwich, I’d be happy with a cup of coffee for crying out loud.
(Gaspar re enters looking defeated)
BAL: What happened?
GAS: She seemed pretty happy until she found out what it was. Then Joseph said “Uhhh, thanks for coming, we’ve got a lot of people to see so…”
MEL: Where do these people get off? You have one kid and they treat him like he was Lord God Almigh…oh..yeah. Well, you see my point anyway.
BAL: Well, I don’t know about you boys, but that Star looks like it’s settling in over the tavern there.
MEL: Yes it is. Coming Gaspar?
GAS: Uh Huh. (As they exit) This is typical of how commercial baby showers are nowadays.
BAL: Amen!
