12 Days of Chipmunks: A Correction
I apologize for yesterday’s bizarre article. It would appear my new contact here at The Correctness doesn’t know the difference between a fairy tale and a song review. So if you’re reading this, Mr. Sullenger, know that you’re fired. It’s bad enough that you had to call the Waltons while I was staying at their house—while they were on vacation! They’d never notice I was there!—and get me thrown in jail, but if you’re not even going to post the right article, I don’t know why I even pay you. Don’t come back to the abandoned Lloyd’s Skating Rink. I rather like having my new office there, and I don’t want your incompetence ruining that too.
Again, my apologies. I don’t know what Sullenger did with the actual review for “Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer”, but it certainly wasn’t “upload it to The Correctness like anyone with a shred of adequacy would”. And for security reasons, I myself can’t remember the intricate details of the article itself. I don’t want to leave you empty-handed, though, so reprinted here (with his permission of course) is my associate Wilberforce Jay’s interpretation of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”.
DEATH AND SNOWSTORMS
(CHRISTMAS WITH THE CHIPMUNKS, TRACK 10: “RUDOLPH, THE RED-NOSED REINDEER”)
Prof. Wilberforce Jay
Okay, so, like, remember how Dave had all like realized that he made a mistake? Like, that the Chipmunks weren’t supposed to—that they shouldn’t have been—uh, that he had made a mistake? Alvin’s still a greedy little snot, Theodore’s pulling out his own teeth, and I dunno what Simon’s doing but it’s probably not something good. Right? So Dave’s wondering how he’s gonna fix all this, and he kinda slowly realizes that there’s no way to turn the Chipmunks back into chipmunks. ‘Cause Dave was trying to make them into chipmunks that acted like humans, but now they’re more like humans that act like chipmunks. Whoa. Okay, what’s happening now? I gotta read this again.
Right. So it kinda slowly dawns on Dave that the only way to rid the world of these abominations is to kill them. ‘Cause they’re gonna kill him if he doesn’t. At least, Alvin is. Theodore actually seems pretty nice, in a disgusting creepy awful way. I still don’t know what Simon’s doing. But Dave has to kill all of ’em because if he just kills one, the others’ll turn on him, right? It’s what I’d do. I think. I’ve never been in that kind of situation. But then Dave’s wondering, how’s he even gonna do it? How do you kill three man-chipmunks? Do they even have a weakness? So Dave thinks back on it, and he remembers that trip they took to his Dad’s house. You know? The one where the Chipmunks were all freezing cold because they were supposed to be hibernating? And Dave’s like, “Cold! That’s their weakness!” But he doesn’t say it out loud, ’cause then the Chipmunks’ll know he’s up to something. Oh, shoot, I should probably put in a link to the song, shouldn’t I?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tf_oy5TKkk
So Dave promises the Chipmunks a surprise. He knows they’ll want to see it right away, ’cause they’re impulsive like that, but Dave’s just like “Nope, you gotta follow me. It’s at the North Pole”. ‘Cause Dave knows the Chipmunks love Christmas, and they’ll follow him literally to the ends of the earth to come closer to it. So they follow Dave, and they walk and walk, further and further north, until they’re literally at the North Pole. And the Chipmunks still think the surprise is somewhere there, so they keep following Dave around for two days, and they’re cold, and tired, and—
Oh, wait! Dude! I totally forgot, like, the most important part of this song! Okay, so, you know how Ross always has metaphors and stuff in his songs? Well, in this one—hold on. I gotta make sure I get this right, ’cause it’s mind-blowing. In this one, the “Dave” you hear in the song represents the Chipmunks, and the “Chipmunks” represent Dave. So the Chipmunks are the ones who are completely exhausted and probably on the verge of hypothermia, and Dave’s the one who’s all excited to see Rudolph. Oh, and Rudolph is the Angel of Death: the final “surprise” Dave wanted the Chipmunks to see. Yikes.
So anyway, Dave basically lets the Chipmunks die in the frozen wasteland (1:35), and he celebrates for a bit, and then the Angel of Death asks him why he did it, what his reasoning was, what he wanted. And this is the part where it’s like the end of a horror movie, where you find out the monster’s still alive in some form or another, ’cause Dave tells the Angel of Death he wants a go-kart, a pony, and a hula-hoop. So, like, the Chipmunks’ greed has already rubbed off on Dave. And, y’know, he was already kinda greedy, considering he valued his life over those of the three Chipmunks. So maybe there’s a little chipmunk inside us all, y’know?
