Your Stupid Face: A multi-purpose list of complaints
Dearest Readers:
You know, if you’re just generally angry at everything like I am, especially at Fox “news”, then you are often at a loss, in the moment, to specify what is bothering you about someone or their infuriating statements. How many times have you been enraged but incapable of explaining, at the time, what has enraged you? It happens to me constantly. Once I’ve had a few days to determine what conceptually profane or illogical propaganda disgusts me, I’m too far out of the offending conversation (or news item) to fix things. Climate change doesn’t exist! There is no such thing as poverty! The Bible says you can’t have asian friends! What? None of that makes sense, but I think I’ve heard all of that. Thus, I present to you, a list of multi-purpose complaints that can be printed and kept in your pocket for just such an occasion. You will not have to recall a single detail of the troublesome stupidity you encountered, simply read this statement, and claim your right to be logical later.
Hey you.
Your face is stupid, for one thing. I mean, I understand that your stupid face was trying to say or do something that is stupid, but you only did it because you were born stupid, and your face is so stupid you can’t live any other way. It’s a tragedy of our modern times that we can identify the genetic markers which make your face so stupid, but we can’t do anything to help you medically. We can only prescribe medications to the people around you who are forced to tolerate your stupid face. Your stupid face is a death sentence for both you and your dreams. Your dead dreams. Your dreams and ambitions are so stupid that they can die, probably just like a chicken that is too stupid to remove it’s own head from a drinking trough, slowly suffocating itself. I’m sure that chickens don’t even do this, because no animal, no matter how inbred and incapable of surviving, would have a face quite so stupid as yours, which is alarmingly stupid.
Secondly, If I may depart from my first point somewhat, your face is so goddamn stupid that it nullifies each and every statement you have ever made on every topic, ever. I know you and your face are too stupid to recall what you were just saying, and/or doing, but I assure you that upon further examination, the evidence that you and your stupid face were doing something monumentally stupid will be overwhelming. It will be an orgy of evidence, forcing the investigators who document your stupid face to wonder if you can actually be this stupid, or if somehow someone has planted additional evidence at the scene of your stupidity to incriminate your stupid face more completely. They will be awed by the grim realization that your stupid face is actually so stupid that it’s stupider than they imagined. In the whole of human history, your stupid face will become an infamous beacon of stupidity, a cautionary tale about the depths of stupidity to which one human can sink.
Finally, or thirdly if you are having trouble keeping track of my paragraph structure, your face is so stupid that I have begun to jet blood from my rectum. That, since I know you don’t know, is a bad thing. Your brand of stupidity is so abrasive and toxic that it is turning my bowels inside out. I am having such an existential reaction to your words and/or actions that the contents of my intestines, as well as the lining of my intestines, are liquifying dangerously, posing a serious risk of hospitalization for me, and more likely the risk of swift death. You’ll note that I did not use the word “literally”, but rest assured that I mean that the sheer epic narrative nature of your stupid face is actually, really, making me poop my insides out. To further clarify, when I say “epic” I do not simply mean “significant”, I mean that your stupid face is a hero’s journey to be taught great skills from a wise man, meet a trickster, and kill the evil version of his father. This hero is predestined to fail, because your stupid face is archetype shattering. If your face were an an epic tale, you would be The Matrix trilogy, and not in fact, The Lord of the Rings, or Star Wars in the slightest. Your story is a tedious grim march towards an vague and fuzzy ending which may never arrive. Your stupid face is a goddamn Robert Kirkman graphic novel, abandoned because it was too long and stupid for even him to complete.
I am going home now, where I will think extensively about the stupidity of your stupid face. If you return here, to this exact location tomorrow (and why would you leave, because you have not been given instructions to do anything just yet) I will happily give you and your stupid face a more reasoned argument about the specific stupidities you issued from your talking-hole, which is an orifice located approximately 6 inches below your bellybutton on your dorsal side. I will, given time, refute each and every syllable you have tortured my ears and my soul with, and then if God exists, he will strike you down where you stand, erasing your stupid face from existence.
Sincerely,
(your name here)
