Super Heroine Smackdown- Week 2: Wonder Woman vs. Jean Grey
This week, Wonder Woman takes on Jean Grey. (Note: We’re using the most current, non-Phoenix version.)
Let’s get it on like Howie Long. Rules are here. The bracket is here.
Admin_Rock
This Smackdown is much tougher, so far the matchups are very interesting. This week is Wonder Woman, a member of DC’s “Big Three”, against Jean Grey, the un-killable heart of the X-Men. Tough one. We have strength, limited flight, and warrior training on Wonder Woman’s side, with Telekinesis and Telepathy on Jean’s side. Plus Danger Room training, of course.
The ladies enter the arena, and square off. When the klaxon sounds, Jean reaches out with her mind and grabs the giant wooden post holding the sword and shield of Wonder Woman, and rips it from the ground, swinging it around and nailing WW with it. WW is slammed to the ground. before Jean can bring it back down for a second shot, WW is up and dodging. She rolls to her sword and shield, using the sword to cleave the post into two.
Jean smiles and nods, impressed with this. The two clash together, Jean using her TK to hold the sword back while they grapple. Diana is much stronger, and she throws Jean to the ground hard. Jean realizes she’s in for a fight, and uses her power to bore in to WW’s mind. WW stands straight up, motionless. Jean regains her feet, and takes the sword from WW. She pulls it back to deliver a head-severing cut. Suddenly, Wonder Woman winks, and punches Jean in the face, shattering her nose. While Jean is recovering from this, WW grabs her sword, pulls Jean to her feet and says “Seriously? Mind control? I’ve taken on the best of them.” and puts the sword through Jean, fatally wounding her.
As she lays on the ground, bleeding out, Cyclops rushes to her side, proclaiming his undying love for her. This, in itself, is almost reason enough for her to welcome death, but Wolverine appears, also telling her how much he loves her. As the two begin fighting one another, she pushes herself further on the sword, eager to not have to be a member of this love triangle a moment long.
WINNER: Wonder Woman.
RobbieRobTown
My associate, Admin_Rock would have you believe that we aren’t using Jean Grey’s Phoenix powers. He’d have you believe America doesn’t need jobs. He has voted against “good old fashioned values” in the Senate every year since 1503. For over 900 years, he’s been saying “No!” to Freedom. I, RobbieRobTown, on the other hand, have been in support of Proposition 412 since its inception- In fact, since the movie Inception. Today, America has a choice. You can either stand up for what you believe is right, or let the terrorists win, baby Jesus cry, and Rock n’ Roll retailers suicide their teen ice-cream farms. It’s up to you. I’m RobbieRobTown, and I approve of this message.
Current Marvel continuity is a big weird mess. I have tried on a number of occasions to determine what the hell the X -Men are up to. I’m pretty sure Cyclops is in charge with Emma Frost, and I’m pretty sure Archie and the gang got wild at Pop’s Malt Shop, only to see it levelled by Sentinels (See: Dark-Betty Saga, Correctness issue 131), Killing Nightcrawler and The Fonz in the process. Many times we have joked about how everyone has healing factor, and how everyone is an Avenger now. I have a hunch if her life were on the line, the Phoenix Force would be back too.
Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice, DC has ret-conned their entire universe. This is helpful, because things were getting even weirder than they were back in the Marvel universe. I believe current continuity has done away with the invisible jet, and the lasso of truth, and replaced the with a sword. As well, I think the Wonder Twins were said to have been killed in a horrible concert accident along with Gleek and Justin Bieber.
Here’s how this goes down:
[Wonder Woman and Jean Grey enter the ring]
WW: Jean, If I kill you, you’ll just come back.
Jean: We’ll see about that, you Amazonian wanna-be.
[Wonder Woman stabs her. Jean dies]
Jean: Gasp! I’m back.
WW: (Unimpressed) You’re back. Yay. (KIlls her again)
Jean: Gaaaaasp! I’m back! And this time, full of the wrath of-
[Wonder Woman interrupts Jean Grey by wiggling her sword around inside of Jean, because it was still there from the first and second fatal stabbing, seconds ago.]
Jean: Gaaaasp! Stop that!
Wonder Woman: UGGGGH! (re-rekills her)
Jean: (Particularly Phoenixy this time) NOW THE BLACK SOUL OF THE DARKEST STAR SHALL-
[Wonder woman thoroughly wiggles her sword around inside her again, the dices Jean into a fine paste. This is time consuming. She spends hours blending, and then segmenting Jean’s corpse. Exhausted, she has a seat on her invisible foot stool]
WW: Okay, do I win now?
[The Judges award the fight to Wonder Woman. Jean comes back to life during the ceremony]
Jean: I’m back! Only now I’m a good guy again!
Judges: You technically died 3 time- sorry? Oh, five times. You technically died 5 times. The fight goes to Wonder Woman! Also, were were super wrong about Kitty Kelley winning, because we never learned to read! Or see! Or have good think-things!
Winner: Wonder Woman by technicality.
Tbinns
One COULD argue that even if we are De-Phoenixing Jean, that telepathy could be used as a kind of “Spider Sense” Ie: She reads Wonder Woman’s mind and is therefore always one step ahead of her in combat. One could also argue that Admin Rock has great taste in music. Both arguments would be fundamentally flawed. An Amazon warrior would have almost an instinctive fighting style. From thought to action in less than a heartbeat. By the time Jean realizes what is happening, Wonder Woman has already done it twice. And Admin Rock is one Cure album away from cutting himself recreationally. That leaves us with telepathy. Throwing shit at Wonder Woman Darth Vader style. This would succeed only in pissing off someone who already has a temper. The only thing Jean CAN do is play keep away with the sword and shield. OH but here’s a tricky notion IF we are assuming that Wonder Woman is prone to the tying up weakness,Jean could telekinetically bind her and the fight is over, right?
No. Because I’m pretty sure even without superpowers, a warrior of Diana’s calibre could kick Jean’s ass. Even with her hands literally tied behind her back. Binding her with steel bands? Maybe, but allow me to put it to you another way…
Now who thus far has been the king of these Smackdowns…the unbeatable Lord of Deus Ex Machina whose mere name is the final word in the argument as to why he’d win?
“But How did he…”
“Because he’s BATMAN!!!”
Yep. Batman. Unbeatable. Completely un….
Ooops.
Unless that’s something that WW and Bats get up to on the weekends when things are slow on the satellite, I’m guessing someone just got his ass handed to him.
So the mere suggestion that an Un-Phoenixed Jean Grey is going to beat the woman who put Batman underfoot and made Superman bleed is, alas, absurd.
My vote is Wonder Woman.
And so it is unanimous. Wonder Woman moves on and Jean Grey is dead. But that’s never really stopped her before. We suspect the rematch is going to be a touch more interesting.
Thoughts? Do share them. No, really, do!
