Live “Accurate” Election Coverage! Smackdown Undercard Style!
Good news Correctness Fans!
While our American friends are busy watching the same 45 seconds of footage of a bloody mattress in Pakistan tonight, I am dedicating myself to bring you live Canadian election coverage. I’m ready, I bought a bunch of snacks n’ shit. You can get all of your news right here at the TheCorrectness.com. I assure you, great pains will be taken to be as accurate as I always am. I am legendarily accurate. Lots of people know me as the accurate source of the Green Lantern origin story, and now you can all get to know me as a trusted news source. A lot of you followed my gripping updates on Valentine’s Day, and I can only hope to keep you just as engaged as I did then…
I will update as polling information comes directly to my office, which has access to this information because I applied to Elections Canada as a news agency. They turned me down, but I get cable, and I am probably just going to use my Marvel cards to gather important personal data. And I might stop the coverage to watch Doctor Who for a while.
4:22 Mountain Daylight Time:
I am declaring a winner. Batman. It doesn’t matter whether or not I think Batman deserves to win, we all have to admit that he is popular, and has a grassroots voter base. If I were an election scrutineer of some kind, I would look into Wayne Enterprises and see how the Batman campaign is being funded.
4:26 The news lady is asking if Canadians are ready for minority government again. This is a stupid question, because almost everywhere in the world with a party-based government system has had minority governments. Some example include, uh, Sweden, I guess, and, uh, R’Lyeh.
I cast my vote before lunch, and I wish I’d held off because it was probably a good place to meet girls.
The incumbent in my riding is a conservative guy. He’s apparently a nice guy. I voted for someone else anyway. Here he is on a horse:
That’s not meant to be a commentary, most people from my neck of the woods have photos of themselves on horses. Anyway, like I said, he’s the well supported incumbent, and I doubt my vote will make him lose his job.
4:41 LIke hell I will watch American Idol ever again. Why is America so excited about failure? Also, the polls aren’t closed yet, so I’m just sort of venting here…
4:47: Oh my merciful Christ, I have always been embarrassed of the “youth” who are supposed to represent me on the news. Where do they dig up these weirdos? Do people who watch the news really wonder what “the young folk” are thinking? Are there no young folks who watch the news? Are the young people all watching American Idol?
5:04 Just a little Bin Laden break here: I notice that they always find the bad guys in compounds. I have a suggestion: Why not just skip over the houses and apartments in future, and only check the compounds?
5:07 Is “Button-Holing” a cute euphemism for anal sex?
5:10: Is the whole CBC Calgary staff attractive women? I’m looking at you, Alana Cole, but there are others… Smart girls are so awesome.
5:35 Polls have closed on the east coast, but I actually won’t be able to get results yet, because of Canadian legislation introduced to reduce western voter apathy. Also, I guess I can’t technically post results here until 8pm local, so that polls are closed on the west coast. That’s okay, I have already called it for Batman.
7:07: The polls close in about 20 minutes, which means I still have time to order a pizza. You can follow my detailed criticism of the moment to moment results here:
http://twitter.com/#!/robbierobtown
7:14: Okay, I’ve changed into my Steve Jobs mock-turtleneck. What the hell does a turtleneck think it is to mock anyone?
7:18: My friend @RogerKinkade is the guy who is following social media on local TV here. It’s weird knowing that I could get in touch with the media with my hilarious “jokes”.
7:20 Global TV has this digital House of Commons, and it is creepy as fuck. I feel like I took the blue pill.
7:22 Is CBC using the election preshow to promote new shows? THEY ARE! Wow, our national broadcaster might as well just set up a blog and talk about what happened at Junior High today.
7:32 Where the hell is the riding of Madawaska-Restigouche? New Brunswick. I”m going to start saying “restigouche” frequently.
7:45 With 1% of polls reporting, Global has called the government and the official opposition. With 1% of polls reporting, girls love me.
7:57: Dennis Nedry from Jurassic Park is scheming on Global local right now.
8:10: Steinke is kind of a funny last name.
8:31 I am distressed by the idea of a Conservative majority. I like minority governments. I like minorities! Do you hear me? I like minorities!
8:41: Is someone rewinding an analogue tape of Revolution 9 right now? Who’s doing the switching on this broadcast?
9:03: Okay, Well, it looks like our Prime Minister is still the Prime Minister, and now he has his fancy majority. Here are some facts about him: Stephen Harper was once considered to be the most powerful of the Green Lantern Corps. As time has passed, Stephen Harper allied himself with Parallax, and now represents the power of fear.
9:11: For our American fans, a big thing has happened in Quebec. There used to be a blah blah blah, and blah blah blah Bloc Quebecois, blah blah, and that is part of the reason that Titanic was not able to announce it was the most popular film in North America. Actually, that’s a true story- Titanic was #1 all over North America, except in Quebec, where the number 1 film was “Le Boys 2”, a sequel about a rag-tag hockey team. Quebec has always gone it’s own way, but the removal of a separatist threat means that the impossibly beautiful French girls in Montreal are going to remain aloof and unavailable to anglos like me. Mmmmm, Montreal girls…
9:17: A lot of porn stars are from Montreal… I’ve heard… a friend told me…
9:29: People keep talking about parties “going down.” HA! I’d attend that party!
9:29:30: Wait, I mean, I’d attend if the party was going down on me, not if I was joining the- screw it, i’d attend, I’m very lonely.
9:37: Hey, Global TV, who dropped your camera before the Saskatoon broadcast? The back-focus is so off it’s art.
9:44: Incumbent handily wins riding: Filthiest election euphemism ever!
9:53: 3 way splits!
10:10: We also have elected a Green Party Candidate, who I will not make a Green Lantern joke about.
10:25: Okay, fuck this, I’m going to bed. And by “bed”, I mean “visiting friends from Montreal online”. Bed in 6 minutes…
10:27: Sorry, CBC, are we seriously talking about what kind of speech the official leader of the opposition should make? We are discussing the hypothetical content of a speech.
10:28: Oh, and apparently the NDP had a lot of teachers running for their party. Good news for me, teaching jobs are impossible to find in Canada right now.
11:09: Jesus H Christ, would you look at all the balding white men at the Conservative headquarters! There is less hair in that room than something metaphor something!
