5 Reasons Why I Won’t Write for Cracked
Okay, so I’ve been busy.
Like, “let some guy write 12 articles about the Chipmunks Christmas album and just let that shit slide,” busy. And by busy of course I mean lazy. Horribly horribly lazy. So I confess I have been spending more and more time on Cracked lately. (Cracked…with an “ed” on the end, let’s make that perfectly clear.) I even registered, with the intent of submitting an article, but then I stopped myself. “Wait just a cotton pickin minute” I said to myself, making sure there were no black people around who might take offense to a remark that I realized too late might be racist. “I already HAVE a website… I’m not writing for these clowns while the Correctness lies in ashes.”
I then spent 20 minutes talking into a glass trying to sound like Bane saying “When the Correctness is in ashes, you have my permission to write for Cracked.” But right after THAT I determined NEVER to write for Cracked. And here in their own highly templated style is why…
5. They Have a Highly Templated Style
I refuse to bow down to your list of things format. It completely stifles creativity. Also it requires research, so fuck that. Or rather “4 Fascinating Ways in Which you Can Totally Fuck That.”
4. Twelve Articles. About the Chipmunks. TWELVE OF THEM.
No, I can no longer sit idly by. Shit needs doing on this site. Writing for another website while my beloved Correctness becomes a footnote is not going to happen. Not while I still draw short, heavy, wheezy breath. Maybe I’m not as hilarious and nerdy as Michael Swaim and Dan O Brien.
"Oh I know this one, I'm hilarious and Dan here is the nerd, right?"
Maybe AdminRock is not as handsome and suave as a Soren Bowie.
"Oh, you collect Legos? How quaint."
But lemme tell you something Miss Katie Willert…
"What? Hey, how did I get dragged into this thing?"
We already have an adorable hipster on this site who deliberately pretends not to get pop culture references, his name is ROBBIEROBTOWN. And don’t ask for him either, because HE WRITES FOR THE CORRECTNESS, GODAMMIT!!!
Granted, he doesn’t inspire people to say “fap fap fap” in the comment section. But I’m pretty sure that’s a good thing.
3. They Probably Won’t Let Me.
That one is just in the interest of full disclosure. They are frequently funnier than me. I’m okay with that. But you know what we have that they don’t?
TBINNSING!!
I would wreck her like the Edmund Fitzgerald. And by that I mean like the gales of November, I would come early.
And ADMINROCKING!!!
And ROBBIEROBTOWNING!!!
2. You are Ripping Us Off.
Well Cracked, your video on why Gandalf is a terrible wizard was hilarious. It was particularly funny when AdminRock did it 6 months earlier. And it got on the front page of FARK. So don’t be all “Oh we never saw that, it was a coincidence, everybody has a blog post like that, We’ve never even heard of the Correctness, Someone must have dumped the body here, I’ve never seen that guy in my life, I have no idea how a necklace made of human fingers ended up in my desk, this is bullshit, where’s my lawyer I want my phone call.” You know what you did. Face up to it like a real website. We would like an apology. And a signed picture of Soren Bowie.
God damn…That is one handsome son of a bitch, right there.
1.Because I Love this Piece of Shit Website.
Whether we are getting a shitstorm of abuse for daring to make a joke about Green Lantern’s origins, or being blithely ignored because nobody has bothered to update the site in months, it doesn’t matter. It’s the Correctness, and if anybody is going to enjoy my hackneyed comedic non list stylings it’s OUR loyal readers, not yours! So here’s to Tomass, (Smaller) and SpcMike with his detailed accounts of ungulate pleasuring that are just a little too detailed, if you know what I mean. Here’s to Maberso (Stats Porn), and the M-Daddy, Uncle Soondead and every single one of you who stuck with us, even if it was just to abuse us.
So forget it Cracked, you can take your little “write for us” tab and and stick it where the sun don’t shine. Namely, basements where millions of people read your website as opposed to the ten or so that still reads ours.
But it doesn’t matter that only a few people will read this manifesto. We are the elite, we happy few.
The Proud.
The Emotionally Stunted.
The Perpetually Adolescent
The Correct.
This is my website, and you will take it from me when you pry it from my cold, dead hands. Or when I don’t feel like paying for it anymore. So Cry HAVOC and let slip the dogs of Smackdown!!!
Oh, and actress/singer/comedian/sometimes Cracked contributor Rachel Bloom?
TBINNSED! BOOYEAH! (Look it up. It’s a thing.)
