Super Heroine Smackdown Semi- Final 1 : Robin Versus Wond…
This week, Wonder Woman vs Robin:
Let’s get it on like a wool knit thong (it’s been cold up here lately.) Rules are here. The bracket is here.
Admin_Rock
So, I was mulling in my head this week’s match-up, spend a decent amount of time doing so. Then I logged in to write my post, and noticed that TBinns had already posted his. But for some reason he decided to grab the top half of the bracket, rather than the left half. I will let this slide, as Tbinns is clearly not a sports fan of any kind (ED: of course this is the week he actually used a football reference, but one that even a chimp would have know, so we can discount this). So rather than insight you with the tangle that would have been Robin vs Storm (and given you WW vs Kitty Pryde next week), we’ll sort out Robin vs. Wonder Woman.
Ouch, this one is over before it starts. Though I love the moxie and derring-do of Carrie Kelley, there’s pretty much no scenario in which she defeats the toughest lady in comics. Robin has some decent training, an inventive mind, and gumption to spare. Diana has kickass weapons forged by Hephaestus himself, Amazon warrior training, can fly, can take Superman out on a really good day. Robin is simply outclassed in this one.
Bell rings, Wonder Woman moves towards Robin. Robin begins acrobatic flips and kicks, trying to get a shot in. She manages a few, but nothing that comes close to hurting WW.
Finally WW grabs robin’s ankle, and smashes her in to the ground. Robin stops moving…and living.
WW claims the victory and leaves the arena.
Winner: Wonder Woman
(after the crowd has cleared, a dark figure creeps in to the arena, and lifts Robin’s body from the floor. Once back in a secret undisclosed location, the body is placed on a table, and hooked up to a large machine. Robin awakes with a start, wild eyed and looking around. She sees an aging Bruce Wayne standing over her. She breaks in to tears, and grabs her bruised shoulder. “That’s a brave soldier”, Wayne mumbles, and the two descend in to a large shadow-filled cave.)
RobbieRobTown
Thanks to my insane associates at The Correctness, we have a new canonical rule for all smackdowns: The person who has made the most physical contact with Batman is therefore the winner, due to quantum entanglement or training or role modelling, or some bullshit.
“RRT,” You might ask, “why is such a dumb rule in place?”. “Because TBinns and Admin_Rock are the offspring of a half ape, half goat, half steaming shit in the street, making them each, in total, 300% apegoatstreetshits.”, I would answer in a cavalier fashion belying my seething and continuous rage over the Crappy-Robin v Ramona Flowers fight.
When I designed the first bracket, I spent ages obsessing over the first round being fair in terms of power levels. It’s like the weight-class system in your winter luge sportsmen. I thought the Robin/Ramona fight would be a fun debate, but I forgot to futureremember that the boys would retroremind me that Robin had walked into the Batcave one time, and was therefore superior to anyone, including the actual fucking Batman. In fact, the only person who, according to our hard and fast canonical rules, could defeat Carrie Kelley is Dick Grayson’s sex-stained leotard from the sixties. Now, If Batman’s favourite chair entered this fight, it could go to the chair, but for now…
Winner: Carrie Kelley
Loser: Me for founding this website.
Tbinns
BA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!! Oh, Oh, I’m sorry I can’t even say it with a straight face. Ok, no okay, let’s do this. (Hmmf. Snerk.) Wonder Woman versus (Titter Giggle) ROBIN BA HA HA HA HA!!
I am not even going to dignify this with a combat scenario. This is like a fight between an avocado and a food processor, and the remaining gushy left over pulp would have much the same consistency as the Robin paste that would be left on the stadium floor. This more one sided than a Fox News story. This is a bigger mismatch than Billy Joel and Christie Brinkley. Robin will beat Wonder Woman when I have abs. Robin would have a better chance of beating third stage heart cancer. It will have taken Wonder Woman more effort to corral her breasts into her top than it would take to beat Robin.
Do you see this?
That is the world’s biggest squash, which coincidentally is exactly how I would describe this match up. It will take a team of drilling experts three full days, at full union pay to remove Wonder Woman’s boot from Carrie’s ass. And you better believe Batman is going to get the cleaning bill. And I’ll tell you something else.
He will pay it. Courteously. Promptly. And send a Thank you card.
Even hung over, with Invisible Jet Lag and the stomach flu, Wonder Woman would beat Robin so badly Chris Brown would run out on the field and say “Okay That’s enough” at which point she would pick up Chris Brown and beat what’s left of Carrie to death with him.
Perhaps you are thinking this will be a David and Goliath scenario, where Wonder Woman’s arrogance will lead to being defeated by a snot nosed kid with a sling shot. Well if David and Goliath ended with Goliath squashing David with enough time left over to go have a nap and dream of large women, you’d be right. But it isn’t. So you are not.
This is Superbowl Seattle Seahawks versus Denver Broncos, if the Broncos didn’t manage to score AT ALL.
Although I can’t give you an accurate visual of how this fight would look, please enjoy this as a very loose approximation.
Wonder Woman’s nickname for Carrie was Special K, because she is gonna eat her for breakfast.
Carrie is going to devoutly wish for the comparatively tender caresses of the Joker’s crowbar, and on her gravestone it will say “Fucked with the wrong Amazon.”
so yeah, after giving it some thought, I think I’m giving this one to WONDER WOMAN
