Dear AvX: You suck.
Marvel’s big summer event “AvX” (Avengers vs X-Men) concluded recently, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t offer up some insight in the true Correctness fashion. Spoilers abound.
The basic premise of the event is that the Phoenix Force is heading for Earth, and bringing destruction with it!!!!! Everyone does the math quickly, and determines that it is coming to inhabit the body of Hope Summers. Hope is the obviously named only mutant baby born after the “House of M” event, in which the Scarlet Witch changed the course of history by declaring “No More Mutants”.
Because she’s tied up with the X-Men, Hope can’t possibly have a normal childhood, and is taken in to the future by Cable, and raised there. If you’re keeping track, and really, no one is, Cyclops now has 2 kids, Rachel, who is from an alternate timeline, and Nathan (Cable), who was raised in the future, and now raising Hope in a similar fashion. Hope isn’t related, but is named Summers to confuse us further.
Okay, so, where were we… Oh, so the Phoenix Force is coming to Earth, and the Avengers decide that Hope will become a threat, and head to Utopia (Mutant Sovereign island off the coast of San Francisco) to get her. The X-men, and Cyclops in particular, are not pleased. The Avengers essentially invade Utopia, and try to take Hope. This is to prevent her from taking the Phoenix Force. Remember that last sentence, k?
Because this thing needs to drag out for a dozen issues, and because we need to have lots of Avengers fighting X-Men, she escapes. Also, the Phoenix Force is fractured in to five parts, inhabiting Cyclops, Namor, Emma Frost, Colossus, and Magik. They are the “Phoenix Force Five”. Seriously, I’m not making this crap up. The PFF declare “No More Avengers”, which we know won’t happen, due to the gushing money funnel from the film this year.
So we spend a half dozen issues fucking around in various parts of the world, fighting. Oh, there’s also a side book which features NOTHING but fights between various heroes. Because we’re over the age 10, we do not care about that book. Yes, I do realize the inherent irony of that last sentence.
The Avengers are being imprisoned in a volcano, but somehow manage to defeat members of the PFF, which has the effect of transferring their power to remaining PFF. So, it’s basically Highlander at this point, but much, much crappier. Oh, and Professor Xavier returns from.. Wait, he’s basically been MIA for years now, showing up now and then to chat for a panel or two, but doing nothing. So he shows up because the story requires him to.
As the event draws to a close, we’re introduced to an 11th hour concept that Wanda’s “probability” magic thingie, and Hope’s charm and good looks can be combined to defeat the Phoenix. They arrive to fight Cyclops, who is now the remaining holder of the Phoenix Force. Professor X tries to talk him out of being omnipotent. For his trouble, he gets Phoenixed to death. Hope and Scarlet Witch combine their keen fashion sense and colored lights to force the Phoenix out of Cyclops. Whew. Crisis averted.
But wait, Hope, with the full support of the Avengers, takes the Phoenix Force into her, and uses it to stop the destruction previously unleashed. That’s right, the plan is now to do exactly the opposite of what they started with. (Remember that sentence above? Go check it out, I’ll wait). Okay, so, just when it seems like Hope might also go all Dark Phoenix on us (like Cyclops did a few pages ago, who the hell is plotting this thing, blech), Wanda says “Hey, Don’t!”, and they say “No More Phoenix”. The Phoenix force breaks up, causing a bunch of people to mutate, and there are once again Mutants (other than all of the ones we care about) in the world again.
We have an epilogue, in which Captain America is all “You killed Xavier! and you’re bad!”. Cyclops is all “Mutants are back, oh, and I was right the entire time!” and Cap is all “I’m an Avenger, so I’m right, and it’s your fault!!!” or some other crap.
Our story ends there, except for a couple of other books like “AvX: Consequences!!” and “AvX:Shut Up and Buy This Too”. Oh, and Cap decides to add some filthy mutants to the Avengers, making pretty much every hero in Marvel now an Avenger.
AvX Winner: Marvel, for selling a lot of books
AvX Loser: Me, for reading it
