Action Hero Smackdown : Lara Croft versus The Man With No Name
ACTION SMACKDOWN!
This week, The Tomb Raiding Lara Croft takes on The Man With No Name, who sports the most annoying character trait of all our combatants.
The rules are simple, and can be found HERE.
TBinns was ill this week, and as neither he nor Admin_Rock were able to post anything, (I can’t believe we’re saying this) Intern Benji is sitting in this week.
Intern Benji
Are you fucking kidding me with this?
Hey, I like a great rack as much as the next guy, and unlike you geeks I’ve actually had my hands on a few, but unless making out with your brother or adopting black kids is a superpower ain’t no way some limey bitch from a fucking VIDEOGAME is going to beat CLINT MOTHERFUCKING EASTWOOD IN HIS PRIME. The guy would probably kick her ass NOW, in his eighties.
The Man with No Name is an icon. Lara Croft is the product of a boardroom meeting where some horny game developer thought Indiana Jones with tits would be a good idea
You looking for the arena scenario? Fine. Buzzer goes, Croft tries to bunji up and over to the weapons or some shit, The Man with No Name whips his gun out from under his poncho and shoots her, causing her to spin around in her harness like the Zipper ride on the fucking Stampede Midway. Fight over.
Don’t bitch to me about your precious little geek rules, either. He’s not legally obligated to obey them, he can’t sign a contract, he’s got no name. Think you are gonna search him for weapons? Go ahead and try…see what happens. Dyin ain’t much of a livin, boy.
So put a fistful of dollars on it, and then put a few dollars more, because the good, bad and ugly news is The Man with No Name will Million Dollar Baby this pop culture footnote in three seconds flat.
There’s a reason the character’s name starts with “The Man”. It’s because he fucking IS the man.
Eat it, nerds.
Winner: The Man with No Name
Loser: People who jerk off to videogame characters
RobbieRobTown:
Here’s one of our precious rules, Benji: We’re not supposed to read each other’s entries beforehand. I broke that rule.
The second rule I’m going to break is my rule against agreeing with you.
I agree with you, please resign. We will make sure you get your college credit.
I know video games get all kinds of character development these days, in terms of narrative anyway, but Lara Croft is irksomely implausibly written. I know what you are thinking, Dearest Reader:
Dearest Reader: Aren’t Bruce Wayne or Indiana Jones equally implausible to Lara Croft?
RRT: Yes, except Batman and Indy are awesome.
Dearest Reader: Doesn’t it follow that Lara Croft is equally awesome to some?
RRT: No.
Dearest Reader: Aren’t you being a little immature?
RRT: NO!
Dearest Reader: Do you need a little time out?
RRT: (pooping on your desk)
Dearest Reader: (trying not to puke) Oh! Oh, come one! Oh, oh God, Jesus, what the hell man? What the hell?
Also, I would like to take out a patent on network technology called the BatWAN, because that’s a typo I just made, but I digress. Contact me if you you need the BatWAN. Motto: Tell your friends. (Alternate motto: It’s the goddamn BatWAN)
So, Lara Croft versus the Man With No Name. Yeah, so, in honour of the MWWN, I’m going to take another small departure from our fight today to discuss the topic of a Mexican standoff. I have been teaching teenagers some drama/film stuff recently, and they are constantly getting my attention to tell me what a Mexican standoff is. They are trying, at least, but what is actually happening is that they are constantly stopping me to tell me what a Mexican standoff is NOT.
A Mexican standoff is not a showdown. A showdown involves 2 people, and 2 guns.
A Mexican standoff is not 3 people and 2 guns. It is not 3 people with 4 guns, and it is not 3 people with 2 guns each.
A Mexican standoff, as most of us who are grownups or who have ever seen a western, ever, is three people with three guns , one gun each, and equal motivation to kill the others. Thus, if I turn to shoot Moe, Larry will turn to kill me. Oh, in this scenario, I am Curly. Or Shemp. Also, I don’t think the Three Stooges are that funny either, but I am sick to death of rom coms telling me how much men adore the stooges. I adore the 3 stooges about as much as Manswers. The point is, in a Mexican standoff, you are at risk of shooting first and still dying. It is called a Mexican standoff because the Fender corporation was looking for a way to sell Fender Standoff series guitars to a market that could not afford the American made models. The pick-ups are somewhat lacklustre, but the quality control can be very, very good.
Anyway, in this fight, I can think of any number of ways that Lara Croft would, true to her character, overcomplicate matters.
LC: I hate to have to see a good man go down… or actually I don’t mind.
MWNN: (shoots her because she wasted time talking)
LC: Ack!
MWNN: …
Winner: The Man With No Name
Loser: The appeal of breast implants.
Cub Reporter Keith
This is movie Lara Croft we’re talking about here. So this is a clash between gravel-voice Eastwood and horrible-fake-British accent Jolie. Since that wasn’t the only fake thing about Jolie’s film persona, TMWNN is ahead slightly on presentation.
Hey, did you know The Good, The Bad & The Ugly is considered a prequel? It takes place during the Civil War instead of after it and TMWNN gets his poncho during the film. Weird huh? And people complain about prequels now. Where were you on this one Twitter? Thought so.
The Man With No Name is nick-named Joe in one of the films. I’ll call him Joe.
… and another thing, movie so-called purists whine and whine about remakes. Well Fistful of Dollars is a remake of Yojimbo. And both movies are awesome. Stop complaining and just watch movies that don’t stink. There have always been remakes and some are good and some are bad and some are ugly (see what I did there? genius).
Joe stands in the arena. He lights a cheroot and straightens his poncho.
Lara Croft … ya, she does some of this stuff for a bit.
It’s quite awesome.
In the centre of the arena on the pedestal are a single-action revolver and a … I don’t know much about guns. I shot a Beretta last summer. Make it one of those.
Joe saunter, Croft walks with a smug confidence. Then Croft breaks into a run. Joe saunters slightly faster. Croft leaps and grabs her gun in a move that in the video game would require me to press 87 buttons in a specific order and I would swear at the tv for 20 minutes trying to make it work. Croft lands in a crouch and fires, hitting Joe centre mass. A perfect heart shot. Joe goes down.
Croft holsters her gun and heads to her exit, continuing to be smug. There is a close up, kind of like this one:
And then a shot rings out. Lara falls to the ground. Joe pulls his poncho back to unhook that metal plate armor that he used that one time.
Winner: The Man With No Name
Loser: Haters of TBinnsing
Cub Reporter Keith, a master of self-promotion, co-hosts the award-chasing podcast We Talk Comics. Stream or download at http://wetalkcomics.podomatic.com/
Follow him on Twitter at CubReporterK
Decision: Man With No Name
So, a rare 3-0 sweep in the Smackdown this week. Tune in next Friday for the last match of the first round, where John Rambo will take on Beatrix Kiddo. Complaints below!
